A brief lesson in english.

All of my life I’ve been told rule after rule by every snooty english teacher that the public school system, and all educational institutions beyond that could throw at me.  Periods this, commas that, apostrophe my butt.  We get it guys, writing is boring.

However, there has always been one rule that has irked me far more than any of the others.  So much so that I am now, right here on my column, going to rewrite the book.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, from this day forward, this rule shall now be known as:

“I before E, all of the time.”

Yeah! You heard me! All the time!

The answer to your inevitable “but why?” is simple.  Can you think of any word that has an “ei” after a “c?”  No, you can’t.  That’s because there aren’t any.

Don’t believe me?  Fine.  Watch this.

Cei…wait…ceilion…no…ceiliophoney.

See?

Okay, naysayers, I know what you’re going to ask next.  “What about words that don’t start with a ‘c,’ but still contain one with an “ei” after it?”  Well, if I must, here is another demonstration:

Tcei…Pcei…Oceila…Qceinodos…uhm…friceineary…

None exist!

Listen, I have no idea how we got nearly 100 years into the English language with nobody ever coming to this conclusion, but as you can see, it’s a very good thing that I did.

In closing, I’d like to remind everyone that I will not be charging any money for allowing you to read this new revelation.  In addition, I will not be trademarking this new phrase, so feel free to use it in any context or manner which you see fit.  Try it out at your next dinner party.  Maybe write your own column about the same subject*.

Just remember:  English teachers are jerks.  Books don’t know anything.  Use your head.  “Can’t learn that in any school.” – Abraham Lincoln.

*You better not.