Helen Thomas’s new job

Dramatis Personae
Helen Thomas, former columnist
Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona
Reporters

BREWER: It’s with great honor that I introduce this woman — who, as I’m sure you all know — has been a victim of Washington PC gone amok. A woman who won’t have to worry about political correctness here in Arizona. Or any correctness. A woman, who, in the last few days, has shown herself to be an expert on immigration. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Arizona’s new immigration minister, Helen Thomas.

(APPLAUSE)

THOMAS: Thank you, Governor. And thank you, my former colleagues. I just have a few short remarks and then I’ll take some of your questions. . . . Mexicans, get the hell out of Arizona. This is not your land. Go back to Mexico, or Spain, or Portugal — or wherever.

REPORTER 1: How do you plan to tackle our state’s immigration problem?

THOMAS: I plan to use the tactics of Hamas and Hezbollah — whom I’ve always admired — and fire rockets indiscriminately into Mexican neighborhoods. That should get them moving.

REPORTER 2: What do you say to those who insist that the Mexicans are the original inhabitants of Arizona — that they were dispersed by the American invasion in the 19th century?

THOMAS: Are you Jewish? You certainly look Jewish. Next question.

REPORTER 3: What do you think about Maricopa Sheriff Joe Arpaio?

THOMAS: I don’t know much about the man, but I can tell you that he’s much revered by the Muslim Brotherhood. In fact, they see him as a role model.