A solution for the teabagging problem

The teabaggers have crossed the line.

Just as “free speech” doesn’t entitle someone to scream “fire” in a theater, it doesn’t entitle them to scream “socialism” by the Capitol. The effusive hatred displayed toward those brave legislators who seized America’s health care system must come to an end. For, left unchecked, it can destroy our nation and its newly-interpreted principles. Congress must act — as the vanguard of the people — to wipe out this vermin from our body politic. And it can best do this by reestablishing the House Committee on Un-American Activities (HCUA).

At first, these tea party protests were mildly quaint, even amusing. A bunch of false-consciousness-suffering yahoos from flyover country foolishly protesting against things they little understood. For only the truly advanced can comprehend the complexities of governance, such as the need for excessive and unfunded spending and the benefits of nationalization of capital and industry.

Unfortunately, the rabble just won’t go away. And their numbers keep growing. Who knows — if we don’t stop them now, perhaps the free market and individual responsibility will become the law of the land.

What would our founders think?

It’s not too late, though. Congress can eliminate this red-white-and-blue menace by exposing the traitors who hope to undermine our entire way of exercising authority.

Like the HCUA of old, the Committee would have the power to investigate and subpoena members of subversive groups, and hold public hearings, where these vile haters would be rooted out — whether they be teachers, businessmen, or even Hollywood producers.

Informal blacklists would soon spread across the country, forcing these dimestore revanchists back into their closets where they belong.

We even have among us a natural leader to head this committee: Representative Alan Grayson of Florida. A congressman with guts. How do we know this? His website says ^[1] so. In fact, he has so much guts that he tried to federally prosecute ^[2] a woman who dared parody his site.

And that’s exactly the kind of guts we need. Can’t you just hear Chairman Grayson utter these magic words?

“Are you now or have you ever been a member of a tea party?”

And can’t you just see the witnesses quake in response?

Shakespeare once wrote, “Fear not slander, censure rash.” But Shakespeare was never called before the HCUA.

Perhaps we can even get Keith Olbermann — that modern-day Walter Winchell — to live blog these wondrous tribunals.

And afterward — when we have finally expurgated this teabagging sickness from our collective soul — America will be safe.

For real Americans.