Recently I have had nothing but grave news. Two weeks ago I was describing to friends how it was our hour of need as the Norskies defended the peak of the gold medal mountain in the new Cold War, in Vancouver. Then it was just last week that my clarion call was sounded regarding the now 7-year-war against wild animals (10/03/2003 — Never Forget) [1]. These two very serious issues were weighing on me heavily. And then I heard that the Earth’s day is now shorter.
The earthquake in Chile changed the axis and sped up the Earth?! [2] What? I’m sorry, come again? Why hasn’t there been much gnashing of teeth and such? The fifth most feasible way to destroy the Earth [3] is to overspin it until it tears itself apart! Think of this as spinning a basketball on your finger. Of course you would have to paint it like the globe because the Earth doesn’t have an NBA logo on it… yet. Anyway, you’re spinning it on your finger and you flick it with your other hand to speed it up. Well, where you hit it is where the earthquake was. Japan and Haiti were just the next places where God spun the ball painted like a globe and flicked it. Each time we get flicked we spin a bit faster… and faster… and faster… until we reach critical mass (speed) and cannot stop the Earth from flying apart.
In light of some of the more terrible recent events: Hurricane Katrina; Earthquakes in Haiti, Japan and Chile; the rise of Miley Cyrus; I made some preliminary calculations… mainly using my fingers, but like I said, they were preliminary. I figured that we will reach critical speed on or about 21 December of the year 2012. Now I wasn’t saying the Earth will end on that day… simply that the Earth will start inexorably destroying itself on that day. On that day it will become unstoppable.
So you can imagine how troubling this was for me all week. We were fighting two wars. One in the North against Norway and the other a counterinsurgency against all the wild animals of the world [1]. Things were looking pretty bleak. And then, as I sat ruminating in my own darkening thoughts, I heard what could only have been the voice of God saying to me, “I close my eyes – Only for a moment and the moment’s gone – All my dreams – Pass before my eyes with curiosity.” I was transfixed with rapt awe.
As I struggled to understand the grandeur and meaning of what was being said, the following words filled my heart with comfort and light: “Now don’t hang on – Nothin’ lasts forever but the Earth and Sky.” I know! I felt exactly the same way! With tears of joy filling my eyes it all clicked into place. God was speaking to me through Kansas’ hit single “Dust in the Wind,” which peaked at number six on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1978.
Well, of course, my mind was racing with the meaning of all of this. The Earth and Sky will last forever… so sayeth Kansas/God? Then that means the Earth cannot be destroyed in 2012… or any other date for that matter. And Kansas is the geographic center of the contiguous (or conterminous) United States/Earth, as was proven scientifically by balancing on a point a cardboard cutout shaped like the U.S. [4] And we have made great strides in the new Cold War by finishing the latest battle with a record number of medals [5]. And I still eat meat, so wild animals are on the run [6].
My reservoir was renewed. Instead of doom and gloom it was all peace, love and good happiness stuff. All of my fretting and worrying was blown away like so much dust in the wind.
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Jeffrey Maryak [9]
Latest posts by Jeffrey Maryak (Posts [10])
- What Independence Day means, and needs [11] - July 4, 2010
- Mother’s Day is a great day [12] - May 9, 2010
- A solution to the problem of illegal immigration [13] - May 2, 2010
- Get well, Bret Michaels — we need you [14] - April 25, 2010
- Comparing the President to Hitler — Pot, meet Kettle [15] - March 25, 2010