Tilikum, killer whale, kills — time for America to strike back!

I suppose you have heard of Tilikum the killer whale who killed ^[1]. I’m in Africa. If I’ve heard of Tilikum, you have, too. He’s a 22-foot, 12,000-pound orca that last week killed Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old veteran killer whale trainer. One could look at the tragedy of such an event. In fact, I’m sure most will look at it as just that… but not me. I see it for what it really is… an act of war. That’s right. War. And what’s worse is that we have been at war since October 3, 2003. What happened on that date?

On October 3, 2003, Montecore (a 380-pound tiger) attacked Roy ^[2] of Siegfried and Roy, the gay tiger trainers and performers. Roy was not killed but was severely injured. And what happened to Montecore? Nothing. 

Emboldened by the lack of consequences for this act, last year a chimp attacked a woman and severely mauled her ^[3]. While the chimp was shot and killed at the scene, the woman suffered life-changing injuries ^[4].

Now the war has finally resulted in a death (sure the Crocodile Hunter was cruelly cut down by a merciless stingray ^[5], but he was Australian and doesn’t count in our statistics). Hopefully, this death is enough to wake us up. We are at war with wild animals. They have used their charms and affections to lure us into a false sense of security. We have been lulled to sleep, people.

We need to strike back… and hard. You could say that each state should start systematically, hands-across-America style, drawing these animals out and hunting them down like the wild dogs or cats or whatever they are. But I say no. The animals will be expecting that. We could be walking into a trap. They are wild and unpredictable. We must embrace the unpredictable ways of our enemies. I suggest each state is randomly assigned a different state to clear out. For example Rhode Island gets Texas. Rhode Island then descends on Texas, thoroughly clearing it of all wild animals. We cannot, nay, MUST not stop until the enemy is purged from our lands!

As my buddy Rob said in a rousing discussion about this war the other night, “The time has come. Animals can smell fear and as a species we stink of fear. No more. Our house pets will judge us by our actions. As the smell of fear is replaced with the smell of bloodshed, our dogs and cats will know we mean business and they will fall in line. For the time being, plant life will be spared… for the time being. But they better watch their step. You plants out there better photosynthesize, provide ample amounts of shade and keep your mouths shut if you hope to escape our wrath.”

Hear, hear, Rob. Hear, hear.

And I don’t want to hear any naysayers out there complaining about upsetting the natural balance of things. “Ehhh, we need animals. They keep the ecosystem in check.” Blah, blah. “Circle of life and all that.” Quit your whining. We all need to buck up if were gonna make it out of this mess. If you want to make an omelette you have to break some eggs. Any chef will tell you that.

 Never Forget!