Of course what children really want for Christmas is a list of commands, prohibitions, and threats. To this end I have compiled the following words of advice for young people. This is the wisdom I have painfully accrued over 33 years of stupidity, and I do not hesitate to pass it on to the next generation.
1. Don`t eat anything that’s blue. Especially not cheese. In fact, never eat cheese.
2. People who tell you they are your friend and only want to help you probably want to exploit you sexually and financially. “Trust me, I am your friend” is the first step on a path leading to a shallow grave in a wood. The only good news is that your organs will be sold to the Chinese and so you will in a sense continue to live on in others.
3. Assume that anything you write on a computer, even only for yourself, will eventually be published and so lead to your execution and, yes, a shallow grave in a wood. If you must write private thoughts, do so on the back of a bus ticket and then tear the ticket up into tiny pieces, and then eat them. But don`t write in blue ink because you can’t eat blue things.
4. You can trust dogs to some extent but just make sure you don`t leave food lying around or they may cast off their shackles and take the first step to self-emancipation and eventual overlordship of the planet. They will, however, do a better job of it than the human race so don’t worry if your dog does eat an unattended chicken sandwich — it will end well for the planet, if not for you.
5. Don`t use the word (or acronym) “MILF” in a job interview.
6. If you change your name don’t change it to “Boggs”.
7. Make a start on Henry James before the dogs revolt. After that you will find it hard to concentrate on James’ prose.
8. People who like Literary Theory are flawed.
9. Inflamed tendons can be worse than broken bones if not allowed to heal.
10. People without a sense of humour are a little ridiculous, and often a little dangerous.
11. Green tea is good for your teeth.
12. Be kind to crows.
13. Be patient.
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Walter Aske [3]
Latest posts by Walter Aske (Posts [4])
- Filthy flatmates [5] - March 1, 2010
- The working week [6] - January 12, 2010
- Advice for young people [7] - December 30, 2009
- On hating and not hating art [8] - August 17, 2009
- The pleasures of poverty [9] - July 12, 2009