Going Parental: The Pacifier (no, not that gay Vin Diesel movie)

OK. I’m back. Crude, obnoxious, hating you, your kids and the way you parent. Happy? Fantastic. Clearly you weren’t digging my serious blog last week as I only received two comments. TWO comments. That’s a record low for me. Pathetic. Just goes to show you guys don’t want to hear about the ugly scary truths of life, but rather the senseless judgemental rants I have to offer. I am here to happily oblige. OK  — here’s my weekly admission: I (we) used a pacifier (or a NUK ^[1] as it was lovingly referred to in my house) until my daughter was 2 1/2. We stuck to the brand name. We didn’t end up with nicknames like passy, binkie, ba-ba, peace-a-higher or anything like that. We called it what it was. A NUK… A German, manufactured piece of plastic and latex that kept my kid happy, quiet and asleep. It was awesome. She took to it almost immediately, she didn’t need any coaxing like some babies do. It was a no-brainer. All of my sister’s kids used them and they turned out just fine. That was good enough for me.

The awesome people at Gerber ^[2] even give you a whole list of reasons why you should use a pacifier. They even throw in the word Orthodontic so it sounds super medical and like it’s something you almost have to give your kid. Genius. Check out some of the highlights of their list:

• The innovative nipple shape conforms to the baby’s mouth just like the mother’s breast during feeding, reinforcing correct tongue position. Really? No shit, that is so cool.
• Encourages natural oral development and promotes healthy teeth formation. I totally wanna do that.
• Pacifier use helps reduce the risk of SIDS. Now that’s a big one. Way to hit below the belt, right?  Now if you don’t use one, you’re a neglectful a-hole. Thanks Gerber.
• Soothes baby. Duh.

So why doesn’t everyone use these things? I get that some kids just don’t take to them and that’s cool, I mean hey, that’s their decision. If baby doesn’t want it, don’t force it down their throat. I’ve seen this happen. For real. It’s like dude  —  clearly the kid doesn’t want it, stop tapping it and give up. The kid’s happy without it.

Then there’s this whole other weird subculture of people who are <gasp> against pacifiers. Seriously. I’m not making this up. Recently I was in a bookstore with my daughter and I overheard a woman talking to her friend about the “evil pacifier” and why she refused to use it. “I want my baby to learn how to soothe herself, I don’t want her relying on a pacifier, I think it’s important that she soothe herself naturally. If she’s super fussy, I’ll usually just stick my finger in her mouth and help her calm down that way.” Earth to imbecile in bookstore  —  sticking your dirty finger in your baby’s mouth to calm her down is the same fucking thing as sticking a pacifier in her mouth! Really. People are this stupid. It’s mind blowing.

There are times when seeing a child with a pacifier in its mouth irritates me. Like when they’re 4 years old and walking around the mall with it in their mouth. That’s just stupid and basically points to a lazy parent or a parent who lacks the cajones to take the dam thing away. Everything in moderation, people. Nobody thinks a 4-year-old that takes the pacifier out to talk and whine and then pops the thing back in its mouth is cute or remotely acceptable. I think by age 3 the thing should be gone. Anything past that is just wrong. That’s my professional opinion.

We took my daughter’s away at 2 1/2. We wanted to take it away when she turned 2 but we kept finding reasons to let her hold onto it. Hey, we’re not perfect. But we finally picked a day, spoke to her about it for a few days in advance and told her that we were going to send her nuks to the nuk fairy and in return she would send her a big present. The kid bought it  —  hook, line and sinker. I found an old cigar box, we put all the nuks inside and then with a marker wrote on the outside of the box, “Dear Babies, Here are my nuks. Love, Jessie.” And then we found a big blue mailbox on a corner and we popped the box inside. If that’s illegal, then I’m just kidding. We didn’t really do that. A big princess castle appeared and the kid never mentioned the nuk again. We were lucky. The transition was smooth and perfect. What can I say, my kid is perfect. We know this.

So yeah  —  fussy baby with no pacifier vs. quiet, sleeping baby with pacifier  — you decide.

Going Parental appears every Thursday (usually at noon – today I’m late). With no pacifier, your baby will be appearing nightly, on an hourly basis, reminding you how stupid you are for not just giving them the damn thing.