Going parental: The (blind) play date

In keeping with tradition, here’s a nugget of information about me: I don’t wanna have a play date. I am formally announcing my withdrawal from this hideous tradition. Now it’s one thing to get together with my friends and let our kids kill each other while we suck down Bellini’s and talk about college and all the dumb shit we did. But it is an entirely different situation when I’m expected to go into a play date completely blind because my daughter went ahead and made friends at school. Why should I have to suffer for her social achievements? Obviously all the kids in her class like her and want to play with her. She’s cool, she’s funny, and she shares. What’s not to love?

I get it, she has friends, it’s an important part of development. Put a sock in it, babycenter. I have had it with your incessant badgering. I’m not interested in my three-year-old’s timeline ^[1], “my life now” or your stupid member comments. Just mind your own business already.

How awkward to be asked to set up a play date by a complete stranger. These are three-year-olds. They’re going to play together for like 10 minutes, fight over a toy, get yelled at and then decide to just play by themselves anyway. It’s what they do. Let them do it at school, not at my house. Let’s be real here: I’m not going to drop my kid off at a stranger’s house. I don’t care if she does know their kid, it’s not happening. And on the flip side, I don’t want them dropping their kid off at my house. We all know that after about 30 minutes I’m going to want to club the kid like a baby seal. I don’t like your kids, people. I’ve been nothing but honest about this. Why won’t anyone believe me?

So where does that leave us? That leaves us getting together so our kids can have a play date. I’m sure Shannon’s mom is a sweetheart and in some alternate universe we might have something in common but the reality is, my immediate instinct tells me that we won’t. I trust my gut and generally go with it. It has served me well. Besides, I don’t want to sit awkwardly over tea (wishing it was a cocktail) while our children fight over a tutu, and then worry about whether I’m allowed to discipline them both, or just my kid or smack her kid or whatever. And at what point is it appropriate to say, “OK honey, time to leave.” And do I have to make up a reason as to why we’re leaving so quickly? It’s like being on a date with no attraction to the other person, no alcohol and no happy ending whatsoever.

There are too many variables here and I’m not comfortable. Why anyone would want to subject themselves to this torture is beyond me. I just want it all to go away. I had to go and have the social kid. God forbid I had the shy kid that plays quietly in the corner. Nope, not me. I gave birth to the social networking queen of the pre-school. Awesome.

Going Parental appears every Thursday. For play dates you can contact me via email. Just so there’s full disclosure: My daughter has a scorching case of Coxsackie. No seriously, she does.