Lauren likes TV: Jillian chugs along to 5

All aboard! The Bachelorette hit the tracks last night and made me want to punch a ticket for a ride. That was certainly the coolest set of dates put together “in Bachelorette history.” The breathtaking views, the first-class service, the private train cars… funny how the NYC subway looks nothing like that, especially when you’re the last one to squeeze on and the only view you have is of some woman from Queens’ hairy armpit (no offense Michael).

Robby’s one-on-one came to a screeching halt when she realized that he was truly a 25-year-old bartender with no vocabulary. Robby… you’re cute, you’re attractive, but you need to get it together. You’re right… love doesn’t have an age or a job, but you do and they don’t really fit together. There’s nothing wrong with being a bartender, but professional bartenders eventually own a bar and make a life out of it. And if anything, you could’ve ridden the coattails of Jillian, the restaurant designer! You weren’t smart enough to think of that, so the train left without you.

Wes is a user. And he may be more than using just Jillian. He might be a meth user. With his beady eyes, obsessive behavior and diarrhea of the mouth, I’m almost certain he’s a meth addict ^[1]. Another reason for Jillian to leave him out in the cold. I guess there’s no such thing as bad press, but I’d rather never hear music again than listen to his album.

Tanner is just f*cking weird. Does he really wear those undies? Because I know someone who would appreciate them and his name is Matt. I can’t believe we had to put up with him for this long.

Reid, you poor Jew. Bad news… it won’t be Christmas morning with Jillian every day for you. I’m pulling for you, but you’re too nerdy and neurotic. Scared of fondue? Did you not want to mix meat with cheese? Despite the rose, you’ve got one more week. Maybe your family will win her over for you.

“Gosh Jillian, I like you a lot.” Aww shucks. Jake has clearly heard but never listened to the phrase “nice guys finish last.” He’s good looking, charming, and is a catch. Which means he never had a chance at winning Jillian’s heart. I can not wait until next week when he “mans” up and returns, with his pilot wings and all, to tell on Wes.

Top suitors… Kiptyn, Jesse (though he’s become a bit pompous, no?), and Wes (until Jake tells her what a tool he is because she clearly can’t see it for herself).