Doubt and the recovering Catholic

I am a recovering Catholic. I attended a Catholic grade school, high school and even a Catholic University for a while. To say that I was not amused would be an understatement. It really didn’t take me very long to realize that there were some glaring inconsistencies in church doctrine. Once I was old enough to start thinking on my own, what I call “The age of reason”, the hypocrisy became much too burdensome.

I was reminded of all of this because of a movie that I watched last night. The movie was Doubt… which in case you are not familiar, is a story set in 1960’s New York about a Catholic priest who is suspected of having an “inappropriate relationship” with a young boy. The movie itself was actually quite riveting. I’m not really a big Meryl Streep fan, but she played a great and comically dark role. Philip Seymour Hoffman was magnificent as usual and Amy Adams made me finally wanna do filthy things to a nun.

The movie utilizes some very stark visuals to elicit appropriate emotions from the viewer. The use of lighting and camera angles, in combination with some overly obvious symbolism (Dr. Eckleburg’s Eyes have nothing on some of these), truly immerse you into the palpable stress of the situation. It really brings to light the remarkable dilemma that faces believers regarding social morality versus loyalty to religious beliefs and authority. Encompassing the ideas of intolerance and subterfuge, it effectively showcases the question of the intent of the characters. It was a very fascinating story and very well acted and while I am certainly not a movie critic, it is definitely worth two hours of your life. But I digress…

Essentially, Catholicism (and all organized religion) is all about control through the use of guilt and ultimately, eternal punishment. Now I certainly understand the concept of upholding certain social mores for the over all benefit of society. But in my not so humble opinion, organized religion is the last bastion of the cowardly. It is not that I am specifically calling anyone a coward, but rather that humans in general are uncomfortable with the finality of their existence. The idea that we are not much different from plant life in regard to a simple life cycle, is not something that is easily digestible for most people. A nearly universal belief in some sort of afterlife is, therefore, obviously predictable.

As a person, I have many character flaws. If fact, I am really not a very good person. Self absorbed and manipulative at the very least, if there really is an afterlife and a Supreme Being… I am gonna have a bunch of explaining to do. There is one thing, however that I insist upon. All of my ships certainly must sail in the same direction.

I can not be pro-choice and anti-death penalty. Life is either precious or it isn’t. Pick a side.

I can’t champion animal rights and order my burger medium rare. Predator or prey. You decide.

And I certainly can’t bang the guy next door’s wife behind his back and then sit with them in the front row at Sunday mass. I’m not against smutting up his wife, I just can’t be sanctimonious about it.

I guess all of this is just the long way around the barn to say that I refuse to be a hypocrite.

Did you know that according to the Catholic church, you cannot achieve heaven with a mortal sin on your soul? Did you also realize that intentionally missing Sunday mass is a mortal sin?

More interestingly, did you know that you can achieve heaven even if you are not Catholic? If you believe in God and you lead a virtuous life as a good person, eternal life can be yours. Now please bear with me…

Apparently, a really nice guy from Zimbabwe with a bone in his nose is gonna end up having cocktails with St. Peter, while I can end up burning in the eternal fires of hades. Even though I went to mass every Sunday of my life, if I skipped it just one time and got taken out by a Septa bus right after, I’m gonna need asbestos boxers! Does that seem normal to anyone? What the hell did I sign up for here!?

How about this part… if I would have had the chance to go to confession prior to my encounter with Joe Septa, all is forgiven and I’m in again! In fact, even if I am a no-good scum-bag murderer, thief or pedophile… just as long as I confess my “sins” before I die, all is forgiven! Are you friggin kidding me?

Seriously, if these are the rules… I don’t want anything to do with it.

I see it this way. No life subscriptions of any sort for me. Frankly, the idea that there could be something that has no end is terrifying to me. I do actually try to treat others the way that I would want them to treat me. I’m not always successful, but I try. I am pragmatic about it. We are human after all. Chill.

If there is more to this, and I don’t believe that there is, I can only hope that being at least a decent person will at a minimum, get me a nice condo overlooking the lava pool in hell.

I am inclined to be excessively practical. Do we exist because of some great unseen hand that bestowed life upon us, or are we an incredible galactic accident? If the earth were to orbit a few hundred miles closer or further from the sun, we wouldn’t exist. Trillions of people have lived and died before me. They had their chance at life, this is mine. I intend to live my life to the fullest… without guilt.

Of course I believe that a collective morality must exist for our society to function even relatively normally, but the extreme paradox of organized religion is exasperating to me. If drinking scotch to excess and dating strippers is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. My moral compass might be bizarre, but it is unquestionably consistent.

Check out the movie if you haven’t yet. It is fascinating and well acted, but it really does display the insincere piety of the church, especially in regard to it’s place in a modern, progressive society.