Turning it off

My hands were shaking. My breath was coming in short gasps. I picked up the phone. Put it down. I wondered if I was being too hasty, if I would feel differently in the morning. Would I come to regret this on a lonely night when I was home with nothing to do? But I had to. It was the right thing to do. I picked up the phone, dialed the number and… canceled my cable service.

Call it a New Year’s Resolution, one month ahead of schedule: Turn off the TV. I’ve been spending way too much time on the couch watching TV when I could be doing a million other things. Like laundry or cooking, taking the dog for a walk, taking myself for a walk, teaching Callie how to short-sheet a bed. Anything. Almost any activity in the world would be more useful than sitting around watching TV.

The DVR is a blessing and a curse. When people ask me, “Hey, did you see that new commercial? The one with the guy… blah, blah, blah,” my answer is, “No, I haven’t.” Because with the DVR I don’t have to watch commercials anymore. I love being able to watch all of my favorite shows whenever I want. The problem is that when I do sit down for a session with my prerecorded list of non-commercially interrupted shows, I find it extremely hard to get back up again.

I’ve also realized that I used to use the commercial breaks to get stuff done. Like pay some bills, call my mom, whatever. There was time to kill. Without commercials, I want to watch every minute of the TV when it is on, so nothing else gets done during TV time. And it’s not like I can even totally enjoy crashing out in front of the TV. I’m hounded by guilt because I know there are a hundred million other things I could be doing that would serve me better. But I can’t turn it off.  It is truly addict behavior. I don’t even want to keep watching, but I can’t stop.

I think I can feel my brain cells actually dissolving when I sit through an episode of The Hills or, worse, Rock of Love, Charm School. After one of these shows, I feel a morning-after kind of shame and disgust. This is another part of the problem. The DVR gives me the ability to record at will. I don’t have to pick and choose, so I will record any piece of crap that comes on… just because I can. The DVR has seriously lowered my standards.

The other, more serious, problem that I have with TV is that my 4-year old daughter is also addicted. My fault. Her first words when she wakes up in the morning are, “Can I watch cartoons?” When I pick her up from school she immediately asks if she can watch TV when we get home. When she’s watching, she descends into a trance-like state and will barely respond when I talk to her. It worries me. It reminds me of someone… oh yeah — me. I don’t want my daughter to be a sedentary, TV kid. I want her to play outside and use her imagination.

I rarely sat around watching TV when I was young. My siblings and I played outside or made up other activities. It is true that a lot of the time those activities involved two of the three of us ganging up on the other one in some way, but, hey, even dreaming up ways to torture each other required using some imagination.

TV is a convenient babysitter for a single mom like myself and I admit that I’m guilty of relying on it. I cringe to even type it, but sometimes I’m so busy and tired that I crave the quietness that comes from Callie being absorbed with TV for a few hours. At the same time, I know I’m doing her a great disservice by letting her watch so much. That’s not the kind of mother I want to be.

So I turned the cable off. Maybe it will be a little harder when I’m in a rush to get us out the door in the morning and I have to answer the millions of questions that are par for the course when living with a four-year-old. But I like her questions. I like talking to her. And from what I hear, I might only have a few years left before she decides that I don’t know anything anyway, so I figure I should take advantage of it while it lasts. Maybe I will suffer a moment or two of separation anxiety when I realize that I’m going to miss the finale of Survivor. But I doubt it. I’m sure I’ll be so busy living my life that I won’t even notice.

I think turning off the TV is a great gift to give my daughter and myself. I am no longer going to pay upwards of $80 a month to contribute to making us both dumber, fatter and less productive. I can spend that money on music lessons or gymnastics class or I can save it for the college that she’ll eventually be able to get into because she hasn’t turned her mind into mush in front of the television.

I hope this New Year’s Resolution lasts longer than previous ones I’ve made. I’m looking forward to spending more quality time with my daughter and getting more stuff done. And if I have a weak moment and I just really need to find out what happens on Project Runway or something, I’m sure one of my friends will save it on their DVR for me. I already feel kind of liberated. One more vice crossed off the list. But I’m not giving up Diet Coke. Just back off. A girl can only handle so much at a time.