Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question “How cold is it?”

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10. “It’s so cold, your car won’t start running and your nose won’t stop.”

9. “It’s so cold, I saw an oak tree with its nuts frozen off.”

8. “It’s so cold, throwing a snowball is legally classified as ‘assult with a deadly weapon’.”

7. “It’s so cold, you leave your refrigerator door open to keep your food even colder.”

6. “It’s so cold, you found five Eskimos huddled in your family room.”

5. “It’s so cold, Grandma’s teeth aren’t chattering because they’re frozen in the glass of water next to her bed.”

4. “It’s so cold, it would be colder than Donald Trump’s heart…if he had one.”

3. “It’s so cold, airport TSA agents are putting on mittens before fondling you.”

2. “It’s so cold, you can’t tell how cold it is because the mercury in the thermometer just froze.”

1. “It’s so cold, Martin Shkreli (that scumbag who raised the price of that AIDS drug from $13.50 a tablet to $750 per tablet) has asked that he be sent to Hell earlier than scheduled.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

sportsvirtual children by Scott Warnock

Drexel Football is an improv group, and that’s fine with me

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The Drexel Football Team is an improv group. And I like it that way. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten more jokes that are mental

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10. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

9. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

8. I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

7. “I’m having trouble finding myself,” Waldo said to his psychiatrist.

6. My uncle found a new cure for Tourette’s. He swears by it.

5. I was just hugged and then mauled by a bipolar bear.

4. The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem.

3. I’m not crazy, I’m a lover. That’s why I’m in a jacket that lets me hug myself.

2. Insanity means never having to say, “I’m guilty.”

1. I try not to limit my madness to March.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten jokes that are mental

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10. I have a mental disorder where I have to make everything sound mysterious….Or do I?

9. Do you suspect you have schizophrenia? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

8. I phoned the paranoia help line, but I had to hang up after 59 seconds because I’m sure they were trying to trace the call.

7. Schizophrenia – Together I can beat it!

6. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

5. I think I speak for everyone when I say I have multiple personality disorder.

4. We’ll be attending the National Schizophrenia Convention. Anybody who’s everybody will be there.

3. Nowadays, anger management courses are all the rage.

2. I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them all away.

1. I try to stay in touch with reality but, lately, it hasn’t been returning my calls.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

virtual children by Scott Warnock

Dear Palmyra Junior Wrestling families…

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This is my eighth year as head coach of Palmyra Jr. Wrestling. We have a great group of people who coach, administer, and care for the club. It’s a youth sport for 40 or so wrestlers, but it’s also a community of parents and friends. This position has been a big part of my life for nearly a decade. As I’ve written in this very space, much of youth coaching involves working with parents (and working with yourself). I take that seriously. Below is the 2015-16 version — slightly edited — of a letter I’ve sent out each year to our parents before our first match. It’s my effort to talk about what youth sports mean to me and how wrestling parents can help their young athletes. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Top ten worst selling children’s books

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10. Where the Wild Things Aren’t

9. The Sated Caterpillar

8. White and Yellow Eggs and Ham

7. The Cat in the Fur

6. The Little Engine that Couldn’t

5. Cloudy with a Chance of Rain

4. Alice’s Adventures in Bayonne

3. There’s Waldo

2. Alexander and the Average, Tolerable, Fairly Good, Not So Bad Day

1. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

My top ten new year’s resolutions

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10. I resolve to finally give up trying to lose weight, and instead will just grow six inches taller

9. I resolve to finally find Waldo

8. I resolve to become a doctor, and then change my last name to “Acula”

7. I resolve not to sit at my computer all day (I’m writing this standing up)

6. I resolve to think of another password for my computer besides ‘password’

5. I resolve to buy a t-shirt that says “LIFE” on it, then stand on a street corner and hand out lemons to passersby

4. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach

3. I resolve to finally bring an end to war

2. I resolve, this year, to keep all my resolutions to myself

1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten axioms to get your New Year off on the right foot

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10. No need to vaccinate all of your children, only the ones you want to keep.

9. The meaning of life is to find your gift, the purpose of life is to give it away.

8. I may be getting old, but I did get to hear all the cool bands.

7. Politics isn’t left vs. right, it’s top vs. bottom.

6. You are entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.

5. When we say “Women and children first,” we’re not talking about budget cuts.

4. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. Guns just make them go real fast.

3. How many armed psychopaths does it take to change a gun law?

2. All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

1. (And Number One for the second year in a row – for anyone in a relationship:)
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular holiday specials

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10. Don Knott’s It’s A Wonderful Fife!

9. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos

8. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners

7. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah

6. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special

5. Gift Wrapping with the Stars

4. The 83rd Annual Leaving of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Out On The Curb

3. Miracle Whip on 34th Street

2. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent

1. Donald Trump’s Me, the Son, and the Holy Ghost
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

virtual children by Scott Warnock

My version of the homemade gift

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For the holidays, a lot of us nowadays give gift cards, those serious plastic rectangles, packed with possibility. We give cash, which flutters out of the shaken, ignored greeting card, all beautiful and real. We Internet shop, where you never see and touch the thing itself. It just appears (soon, by drone!) on your step. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggames

Top ten most dangerous holiday toys

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10. Mr. Wizard’s Home Lobotomy Kit

9. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

8. Miss Piggy’s Big Bag O’ Pork

7. Black & Decker Silly Driller

6. Hello Kitty Tiki Torches

5. Easy Bake Microwave

4. Fontanelle Lawn Darts

3. Toddlers & Tiaras‘ Official You’re Never Too Young To Twerk Outfit

2. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

1. The Chris Christie Home Stomach-Stapler

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that Stephenie Meyer is reissuing Twilight with the sexes reversed (male mortal Beau now being seduced by the vampiress Edythe), top ten other sex-reversal entertainments in the works

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10. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Jeans

9. Twelve Angry Women

8. Julia Caesar

7. My Fair Lord

6. The Third Woman

5. The African King

4. Aunt Vanya

3. Arnie Hall

2. The Godmother

1. Seven Husbands for Seven Sisters

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

sportsvirtual children by Scott Warnock

Youth sports: Why are we doing this again?

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Before I get into this, I want to re-assert that you could only describe me as being avidly involved with youth sports. This is my eighth year as head coach of Palmyra Jr. Wrestling, and I have been coaching Pal-Riv soccer for 12 years. Each year, I spend hundreds of hours planning practices, attending meetings, conducting practices/training, coaching matches and games, and communicating with parents. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten signs you ate too much on Thanksgiving

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10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out

9. You had to let out your shower curtain

8. People kept saying, “Happy Thanksgiving, Governor Christie!”

7. After the football game, it took two EMT guys and the Jaws of Life to get you out of your Barcalounger

6. You’ve put on so much poundage, in one of the shots of earth in the film The Martian, you are clearly visible

5. You ate all the leftovers…before dessert!

4. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma

3. Your relatives took a picture of you in your Pilgrim outfit, and it’s still printing

2. After the meal, you had to loosen the band on your wristwatch

1. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 67 years to live

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

educationvirtual children by Scott Warnock

The hero who helped rid us of the SAT essay

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Students out there, if you are slogging away in preparation for yet another standardized test, yet another battle against the machines of education, hoping some caped crusader would fight for you, would champion your cause, you need look no further than former MIT writing professor Les Perelman. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things the Pilgrims would say if they were alive today

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10. “It seems the Indians here have their own ball team. Two if you count the Redskins!”

9. “This turkey tastes a little funny to me. What breed of turkey is ‘tofu’ exactly?”

8. “And if we wanted to spend the day with our Native Americanm brethren, why would we wish to visit the local gaming emporium?”

7. “Your ancestors came over on the Mayflower? Big deal!”

6. “And you say you can get advice on cooking your bird from yonder handheld talking machine?!”

5 “Of course, when we knew Betty White, she was still in pigtails.”

4. “There is no need to struggle. Why do you not just share the wishbone?”

3. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

2. “Celebrating this day with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why did we not think of that?!”

1. “I just ate so much turkey, I had to loosen the buckle on my hat!

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten questions for the Butterball Hotline

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10. “Why should I have to stuff a turkey if it’s not hollow to begin with?”

9. “If it says 450 degrees for six hours, would 900 degrees for three hours work as well?”

8. “How about 1,800 degrees for an hour and a half?”

7. “When I stuff a turkey, can I use any old stuff?”

6. “If the turkey is frozen, can I defrost it with a blowtorch?”

5. “How long do I have to microwave a 30-pound turkey?

4. “Can my electric carving knife cut through bone?”

3. “What about human bone?”

2. “If that little thing pops out on my turkey, does that mean it’s sexually aroused?”

1. “What if the turkey isn’t quite dead?”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentbooks & writing

Life after publication: Joshua V. Scher on the days after your debut novel

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(Disclaimer: I have known Joshua nearly two decades and like him and his work enough for us to collaborate regularly, so if ye seek impartiality, look elsewhere. Let’s begin.)

When Joshua Scher has the New York launch of his first novel Here & There at Brooklyn’s POWERHOUSE Arena this Wednesday November 18 at 7pm, it will have taken over two years… since he finished the initial draft: “So much time that I actually had to go back and examine the ‘dates modified’ log to figure it out.” During that period, he went through “the finding the agent thing”, the “rewriting the book based on my agent’s edits” phase, the “finding a publisher” stage, the “going through the publisher’s round of edits” chapter, and the “copy edits” episode, with everything culminating in the “all the prep work for going to market” stretch.

Now that it’s finally unleashed on the world, how is it?

“When I opened up the box full of the first advance copies… I couldn’t stop smiling. For days. DAYS.” [Read more →]

educationvirtual children by Scott Warnock

Making college a success? Meet people. Do things.

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So what kind of magical thing will happen to you at college? What mysterious formula will make it all worthwhile? [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingscience

Top ten statistics

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10. Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t happy

9. Fifty-one percent of Americans believe in love at first sight. The other forty-nine percent are men

8. Seven out of three Americans are bad with statistics

7. Nine out of ten dentists agree that that tenth dentist is an idiot

6. Three out of four Americans make up seventy-five percent of the population

5. Not a single person is in a relationship

4. Three and a half out of seven people overcomplicate things

3. Nine out of ten Americans agree that, out of ten Americans, one will always disagree with the other nine

2. In a recent survey of 100 respondents, sixty-five percent of people polled is water

1. Twenty out of ten schizophrenics love these Top Ten Lists

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.