Entries Tagged as 'animals'

animalscreative writing

Grizzly bear stories: the Quiet Car

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Sometimes I buy expensive versions of things without understanding why. Some stuff’s just weird like that I guess — like toasters. I know I could have gotten a perfectly functional version without cracking a twenty. Yet somehow, if only through the existence of a luxury version of it, I found myself needing it as if it would magically fix me crab cakes for breakfast out of two pieces of bread. It doesn’t. Damn thing cost me three hundred bucks and I still burn my toast.

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animals

Don’t bother — they weren’t convinced by watching their dogs eat their own crap

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Apparently, some people actually like kissing their dog on the mouth. Just as apparently, it turns out it may not be the health boost you expected.

 

Dog kiss = not ideal

animalsart & entertainment

Deep goes the rabbit hole

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Recently I watched Sexy Beast for the zillionth time and got to thinking:

Creepy Rabbit People are effective tropes.

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animals

My dog nobly shepherds me through the icy waters of life’s sh#t basin

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My dog is my favorite non-human animal on earth.

Whenever we arrive at the dog park, we are barbarians at the gates, restless to permeate the membranes of these verdant cocoons.

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animalsdiatribes

Why I’ve stopped eating animals

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This is my first summer without hamburgers; no hot dogs on my grill, no chicken or shrimp on my shish kabob. I’ve quit eating meat. Now, before you stop reading and dismiss this as yet another victory for the tenderhearted but unrealistic vegetarians, the healthy but wimpy hippies– hear me out. [Read more →]

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten horses least likely to win the Kentucky Derby

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10. Man o’ Peace

9. It’s A Grand Old Nag

8. No Way José

7. Artificial Hip

6. Save-Your-Money

5. Mucilage

4. Stumblebum

3. Tripod

2. Chris Christie

1. Wrong Way Corrigan
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Following the recent report that over half the dogs in the U.S. are overweight, top ten ways to tell if your dog is too fat

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10. He doesn’t chase cats so much as amble in their general direction

9. Instead of “Lassie” you’ve decided to call her “Assy”

8. Whenever he plays dead, he can’t get up again

7. He has to eat Lipitor-enhanced Friskies

6. His chew toy is a 12-pound ham

5. You finally realized he isn’t barking “Ruff Ruff Ruff” but “Stuffed Crust Pizza”

4. He spends half his time stuck in the doggie door

3. He answers to the name “Chris Christie”

2. Instead of a GPS chip, you just use Google Earth

1. In the evening, you don’t take your dog for a walk; you take him for a roll
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalspolitics & government

The Keynesian mating call

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animalsenvironment & nature

Extraordinary Snowbirds

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Here, in Texas, we have an annual influx of ‘snowbirds’ … large masses of gente norteña fleeing the winter weather ‘up north’ to enjoy a season of clear skies and milder temperatures ‘down south.’ It’s a long and time-honored tradition … for many years, my great-grand-aunt and uncle made their own annual migration from Leisuretown, New Jersey down to the sun and surf of Florida. And it’s also a tremendous economic boon to parts of Texas that enjoy an annual influx of cash in return for all things leisure – goods, services, opportunities, you name it.

Not all snowbirds travel to Texas by R.V. … and it is THEY who provide US an opportunity, a chance to observe something not-often-seen in these parts of the U.S. Here’s a shot I took of two extraordinary snowbirds in Llano County, Texas, this past week. Regular visitors in the process of raising a brood of future snowbirds.

animalstrusted media & news

Climbing inside the horse, or: the uses of animals

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So anyway, yesterday I was driving down a country road when I spotted a decapitated stag lying in a ditch. The strange thing was that its head had been cleaved neatly from the body, leaving a perfect anatomical cross-section-type view of the interior of the neck. A car accident doesn’t do that – and even if it did, I’d still expect to see the head nearby, surrounded by turkey vultures pecking at the soft parts.

I briefly thought about vivisectionist aliens before settling on a redneck with a chainsaw as the likeliest explanation. No doubt he’d spotted the dead stag during the day then returned under cover of night to remove the “rack” for his collection. [Read more →]

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten excuses of Malcolm Brenner, who just wrote a book about his sexual relations with a dolphin

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10. As a youth, he was always having wet dreams

9. They were thrown together when he was out scuba diving one day and accidentally got caught up in a tuna net

8. After seeing the recent Morgan Freeman movie, he was inspired to go out and get some of that ‘dolphin tail’

7. He loves the ocean, but felt a non-mammal would be a bit too kinky

6. He was trying to make his goldfish jealous

5. In his teens, he completely flipped for Flipper

4. He thought a killer whale might be a bit too risky

3. He didn’t fall in love with her on porpoise

2. There was just something about her ‘come hither’ blowhole

1. He always heard Finnish girls were the best
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsrecipes & food

Barbecued snake and other delights

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A couple of my pals live in Vietnam. I want to visit them sometime soon, and one of the things I wish to see is the slaughter of live cobras at local restaurants. It happens, apparently. The Web site Matador Nights has the skinny:

“Munching on cobra parts is likely an adaptation of the Chinese medical belief that ingesting an animal will endow the eater with its positive attributes. This is why tiger penises are so expensive nowadays…

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animalsgetting older

Elegy for a fat-assed cat

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There is a dog room and a cat room. The dog room contains stalls and cages built into the walls along with large, wheeled fourplexes for the young and the small. Also in the dog room is an endless peal of barking, howling and scratching. The cat room is more like the section in the old Woolworth’s where they sold the goldfish and parakeets. Basically there are aquaria but with grillwork instead of glass and within the grillwork are tiny mewling bits of fluff, at this time all nameless. Little cards describe them briefly with a guess at their breed and a good estimate of their age which is given in weeks or months. In a dog cage in the cat room there was one enormous middle-aged creature who had already enjoyed a breadth of life far beyond what his cave-cat ancestors could have expected. His name was Arthur. [Read more →]

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten horses least likely to win the Kentucky Derby

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10. Runs Like A Girl

9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Nag

8. Lackluster

7. Sassy Sashay

6. Last Chance Harvey

5. Dances with Gluepots

4. Newt

3. Runs Sideways

2. Push ’Em Back! Shove ’Em Back! Swayback!

1. Limping Biscuit
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsfamily & parenting

Time to buy a leash…for my child

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A few months ago, I got pretty high and mighty about other people calling my son a dog. I was a little offended that another woman had the audacity to compare my child to her puppy. And now, I am heading out to buy him a child harness. Also known as a leash. Yes, dear reader, I’m buying my child a leash. Karma can be a real bitch, no?. [Read more →]

animalson the law

Jury Duty Cat: The Joke Writes Itself

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So, a cat in Boston has been summoned for jury duty and the court has ruled that he must attend.

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animalsmovies

Raising the bar on groin shots

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This week I am devoting my column to one amazing clip I saw from an upcoming movie.  Please allow me to explain.  Now that I am a dad, I am soon going to be suffering through movies made for kids.  And everyone knows the formula to a great kid’s movie- talking animals, dancing animals, sunglass-wearing animals, groin shots, and fart scenes.  This clip takes the beloved, always funny, always painful, and always crowd pleasing shot to the groin to a whole new level. [Read more →]

animalsmusic

Wild horses vs. Mick Jagger

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On Facebook, Olga Gardner Galvin recently asked the all-important question, “Why do people insist on writing songs about wild horses? What the hell do we know about wild horses anyway? Has anyone here ever seen one?”

She then noted some lyrics:

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away” — The Rolling Stones
“Who’s gonna ride your wild horses?” — U2
“All the wild horses / Tethered with tears in their eyes” — Ray Lamontagne
“Wild horses could not drag me away from you” — Gino Vanelli (whoever he is, he’s an original [expletive])
“Wild horses keep draggin’ me away” — Garth Brooks (at least they succeed here where the Stones’ and Vanelli’s wild horses failed)

Aside from the tired, lazy, copycat songwriting (one song has a bit about wild horses and then in subsequent years everyone has to write about wild horses any time they want to indicate how strong their love is), there are some logical problems here. [Read more →]

animalsart & entertainment

Top ten horses least likely to win the Kentucky Derby

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10. Lethargy

9. Yugo

8. Kirstie Alley

7. Elmer’s Extra Sticky

6. Cat Napper

5. One Horse of the Apocalypse

4. Tripod

3. My Little Pony

2. Lackadaisical

1. Snowball in Hell
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalstravel & foreign lands

Future headline: Cat facing charges in vicious attack

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A cat known as Miley Cyrus has been charged with violating Switzerland’s animal abuse and cruelty ordinance. The cat is alleged to have committed acts of aggression against another cat, Ms. Cyrus’s companion, known as Hannah Montana.

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