Sometimes I buy expensive versions of things without understanding why. Some stuff’s just weird like that I guess — like toasters. I know I could have gotten a perfectly functional version without cracking a twenty. Yet somehow, if only through the existence of a luxury version of it, I found myself needing it as if it would magically fix me crab cakes for breakfast out of two pieces of bread. It doesn’t. Damn thing cost me three hundred bucks and I still burn my toast.

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Tags: animals, creative writing by Ian Micir
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Apparently, some people actually like kissing their dog on the mouth. Just as apparently, it turns out it may not be the health boost you expected.

Dog kiss = not ideal

Tags: animals by Andrew Turner
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This is my first summer without hamburgers; no hot dogs on my grill, no chicken or shrimp on my shish kabob. I’ve quit eating meat. Now, before you stop reading and dismiss this as yet another victory for the tenderhearted but unrealistic vegetarians, the healthy but wimpy hippies– hear me out. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, diatribes by Tyler Samien
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10. Man o’ Peace

9. It’s A Grand Old Nag

8. No Way José

7. Artificial Hip

6. Save-Your-Money

5. Mucilage

4. Stumblebum

3. Tripod

2. Chris Christie

1. Wrong Way Corrigan
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, money, sports by Bob Sullivan
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10. He doesn’t chase cats so much as amble in their general direction

9. Instead of “Lassie” you’ve decided to call her “Assy”

8. Whenever he plays dead, he can’t get up again

7. He has to eat Lipitor-enhanced Friskies

6. His chew toy is a 12-pound ham

5. You finally realized he isn’t barking “Ruff Ruff Ruff” but “Stuffed Crust Pizza”

4. He spends half his time stuck in the doggie door

3. He answers to the name “Chris Christie”

2. Instead of a GPS chip, you just use Google Earth

1. In the evening, you don’t take your dog for a walk; you take him for a roll
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything by Bob Sullivan
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Tags: animals, politics & government by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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Here, in Texas, we have an annual influx of ‘snowbirds’ … large masses of gente norteña fleeing the winter weather ‘up north’ to enjoy a season of clear skies and milder temperatures ‘down south.’ It’s a long and time-honored tradition … for many years, my great-grand-aunt and uncle made their own annual migration from Leisuretown, New Jersey down to the sun and surf of Florida. And it’s also a tremendous economic boon to parts of Texas that enjoy an annual influx of cash in return for all things leisure – goods, services, opportunities, you name it.

Not all snowbirds travel to Texas by R.V. … and it is THEY who provide US an opportunity, a chance to observe something not-often-seen in these parts of the U.S. Here’s a shot I took of two extraordinary snowbirds in Llano County, Texas, this past week. Regular visitors in the process of raising a brood of future snowbirds.

Tags: animals, environment & nature by Jeff McDonald
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So anyway, yesterday I was driving down a country road when I spotted a decapitated stag lying in a ditch. The strange thing was that its head had been cleaved neatly from the body, leaving a perfect anatomical cross-section-type view of the interior of the neck. A car accident doesn’t do that – and even if it did, I’d still expect to see the head nearby, surrounded by turkey vultures pecking at the soft parts.

I briefly thought about vivisectionist aliens before settling on a redneck with a chainsaw as the likeliest explanation. No doubt he’d spotted the dead stag during the day then returned under cover of night to remove the “rack” for his collection. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, trusted media & news by Daniel Kalder
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10. As a youth, he was always having wet dreams

9. They were thrown together when he was out scuba diving one day and accidentally got caught up in a tuna net

8. After seeing the recent Morgan Freeman movie, he was inspired to go out and get some of that ‘dolphin tail’

7. He loves the ocean, but felt a non-mammal would be a bit too kinky

6. He was trying to make his goldfish jealous

5. In his teens, he completely flipped for Flipper

4. He thought a killer whale might be a bit too risky

3. He didn’t fall in love with her on porpoise

2. There was just something about her ‘come hither’ blowhole

1. He always heard Finnish girls were the best
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything by Bob Sullivan
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There is a dog room and a cat room. The dog room contains stalls and cages built into the walls along with large, wheeled fourplexes for the young and the small. Also in the dog room is an endless peal of barking, howling and scratching. The cat room is more like the section in the old Woolworth’s where they sold the goldfish and parakeets. Basically there are aquaria but with grillwork instead of glass and within the grillwork are tiny mewling bits of fluff, at this time all nameless. Little cards describe them briefly with a guess at their breed and a good estimate of their age which is given in weeks or months. In a dog cage in the cat room there was one enormous middle-aged creature who had already enjoyed a breadth of life far beyond what his cave-cat ancestors could have expected. His name was Arthur. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, getting older by Ken Watson
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10. Runs Like A Girl

9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Nag

8. Lackluster

7. Sassy Sashay

6. Last Chance Harvey

5. Dances with Gluepots

4. Newt

3. Runs Sideways

2. Push ’Em Back! Shove ’Em Back! Swayback!

1. Limping Biscuit
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, sports by Bob Sullivan
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A few months ago, I got pretty high and mighty about other people calling my son a dog. I was a little offended that another woman had the audacity to compare my child to her puppy. And now, I am heading out to buy him a child harness. Also known as a leash. Yes, dear reader, I’m buying my child a leash. Karma can be a real bitch, no?. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, family & parenting by Nancy DeGregorio
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So, a cat in Boston has been summoned for jury duty and the court has ruled that he must attend.

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Tags: animals, on the law by Dan Sterlace
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This week I am devoting my column to one amazing clip I saw from an upcoming movie.  Please allow me to explain.  Now that I am a dad, I am soon going to be suffering through movies made for kids.  And everyone knows the formula to a great kid’s movie- talking animals, dancing animals, sunglass-wearing animals, groin shots, and fart scenes.  This clip takes the beloved, always funny, always painful, and always crowd pleasing shot to the groin to a whole new level. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, movies by Marty O'Connor
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On Facebook, a friend recently asked the all-important question, “Why do people insist on writing songs about wild horses? What the hell do we know about wild horses anyway? Has anyone here ever seen one?”

She then noted some lyrics:

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away” — The Rolling Stones
“Who’s gonna ride your wild horses?” — U2
“All the wild horses / Tethered with tears in their eyes” — Ray Lamontagne
“Wild horses could not drag me away from you” — Gino Vanelli (whoever he is, he’s an original [expletive])
“Wild horses keep draggin’ me away” — Garth Brooks (at least they succeed here where the Stones’ and Vanelli’s wild horses failed)

Aside from the tired, lazy, copycat songwriting (one song has a bit about wild horses and then in subsequent years everyone has to write about wild horses any time they want to indicate how strong their love is), there are some logical problems here. [Read more →]

Tags: animals, music by Scott Stein
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10. Lethargy

9. Yugo

8. Kirstie Alley

7. Elmer’s Extra Sticky

6. Cat Napper

5. One Horse of the Apocalypse

4. Tripod

3. My Little Pony

2. Lackadaisical

1. Snowball in Hell
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, art & entertainment, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, sports by Bob Sullivan
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A cat known as Miley Cyrus has been charged with violating Switzerland’s animal abuse and cruelty ordinance. The cat is alleged to have committed acts of aggression against another cat, Ms. Cyrus’s companion, known as Hannah Montana.

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Tags: animals, travel & foreign lands by Ricky Sprague
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Tilikum the killer whale, I think, has put his employers in an awkward position.  I mean, a killer whale is not an employee that you can fire, or take away his quarterly bonus.  And there is, of course, the awkward press conference where you explain, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, that “in July 1999, security guards found a naked dead man draped across the orca’s back one morning.”  Sure, the guy sneaked past SeaWorld security and apparently died of hypothermia, but it’s awkward when one of your employees was found wearing a naked dead man as a hat.

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Tags: animals, environment & nature by Dooley Womack
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I suppose you have heard of Tilikum the killer whale who killed. I’m in Africa. If I’ve heard of Tilikum, you have, too. He’s a 22-foot, 12,000-pound orca that last week killed Dawn Brancheau, a 40-year-old veteran killer whale trainer. One could look at the tragedy of such an event. In fact, I’m sure most will look at it as just that… but not me. I see it for what it really is… an act of war. That’s right. War. And what’s worse is that we have been at war since October 3, 2003. What happened on that date?

On October 3, 2003, Montecore (a 380-pound tiger) attacked Roy of Siegfried and Roy, the gay tiger trainers and performers. Roy was not killed but was severely injured. And what happened to Montecore? Nothing. [Read more →]

Tags: animals by Jeffrey Maryak
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… at least this time it was a Scottie. Me? I prefer the larger breeds. But if one of the little guys has to win (and they do that A LOT at Westminster Kennel Club‘s annual show), then at least it’s a beloved breed from ‘Scotland the brave.’

Hoot, mon!

Tags: animals by Jeff McDonald
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