A cat known as Miley Cyrus has been charged with violating Switzerland’s animal abuse and cruelty ordinance. The cat is alleged to have committed acts of aggression against another cat, Ms. Cyrus’s companion, known as Hannah Montana.
As you’re sitting in your office/cubicle right now, I am in Orlando, Florida — traipsing around Disney World trying to find Ariel in her stupid Grotto. What the hell is a Grotto, anyway? I had to google that shit so when I actually arrived on the “Disney Campus,” I sounded like I knew what I was talking about when I asked where to find that red-headed bimbo. I actually Wikipedia’d that shit so a bunch of wanna-be actors in costumes with over-sized craniums wouldn’t think that I was an idiot. So sad.
Flying is now officially more dangerous than playing with killer whales. A child directed traffic at JFK airport on February 17th, because the kid had a day off from school and dad thought it would be fun to have his kid give instructions to planes about when and where they could land and take off. Yeah, dad was right there, telling the kid what to say, so maybe everything was still as safe as usual. Probably the real reason everything was safe as usual is Sully was still in the air, somewhere, maybe thousands of miles away, maybe even on the ground that day, but still a commerical pilot. He kept us safe while that kid directed air traffic, somehow, because he’s Sully. It’s what he does. But today it was announced that hero pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger has retired. We might have survived the kids playing at air-traffic controller with Sully in the skies keeping us safe. But with Sully moving on to knitting classes, or fishing, or whatever he’s going to do in retirement, the flying public doesn’t stand a chance. Why have you forsaken us, oh great Sully? What have we done to displease you?
It is a noble thing to dedicate your life to educating the young, even if our society doesn’t value teachers the way it should. And yet at the same time, teaching can also provide a shelter for all manner of time-servers, frauds, phoneys, creeps and even perverts. [Read more →]
Shocking news from Russia: a man claiming to be a member of the Romanov dynasty recently tracked down and beat to death an 82 year old ex-KGB officer for his part in the murder of Tsar Nikolai II and his family. [Read more →]
As we draw closer to that special time of year — readying ourselves for parades from Peoria to Paris, why don’t we take a closer look at the real scope of influence that emanates from this Celtic island about the size of Maine . . .
5. Ever wonder why so many kids have Irish surnames as their first names? I personally know multiple Logans, Ryans, Shannons, Dylans, Kennedys, Finns, Connors, MacKenzies, Barretts, and even Rowans. They’re everywhere. Why? Why are those names umpteen times better than Hans or Neville or Snur? How come nobody wants to cuddle a little Vlad? Sad little Vlad.
Once you start keeping an eye out for Satan, he seems to pop up everywhere. Thanks to HP Lovecraft I now have a link to an English language report on the Satanists arrested in Yaroslavl in 2008. And here’s even more info on Russia’s cannibal Satanists. Foul stuff, indeed.
Meanwhile I was sent this video of some Black Metal enthusiasts performing a Satanic show and tell for their classmates which has to be seen to be believed. I’m a bit late on this one as it’s had over a hundred thousand hits. But better late than never: [Read more →]
Following yesterday’s entirely speculative post related to the possibility of Black Metal fans burning down churches in Texas, news reaches us from deepest Russia of an actual, full-on Satanic cult engaged in foul deeds:
Investigators say that the Saransk-based Nobilis Ordo Diaboli group recruited young people from across the region between 2003 and 2009. The cult’s founding members, 24-year-old Belarus national Alexander Kazakov and 23-year-old local Denis Danishin, face a number of charges, ranging from the sexual abuse of minors to battery. [Read more →]
This is a joke, right? Some kind of hoax? Did a hacker get into their system and post a fake story? This can’t be real. Oh, wait, it’s France. Never mind.
November 2009 — It is Sunday here in Africa. The sun is pretty strong for it being a “Dark Continent” and all. Regardless, the weather is predictably hot but not near as bad as what I call “The Devil’s Breath” or what others might call Kuwait. Wait… let me back up…
…I flew up to Cleveland, Ohio to meet with the small group of guys that were picked for this unique mission. I wonder what I can say about the mission, as most of what I specifically do is classified. Please don’t mistake that for actually being cool. I just simply can’t talk about it. If I did tell you, you most likely wouldn’t think it was all that cool. Real secrets aren’t like in the movies. They are, in actuality, pretty boring. [Read more →]
Extreme is easy; after all, it’s all downhill. And being extreme in Iran — well, who wouldn’t? It’s one of those perfect petri dishes for the reactionary way of life and thought.
Like Ireland and Israel and Serbia and Darfur and too many others, Iran is a place where it is historically easy for revenge to be permanently affixed to a lot of darn good reasons and then acted out ad infinitum. Saddle up your fatwa to a dogma and go blow shit up.
But, it’s not happening that way with the anti-government protestors in Iran, the Green Movement. They seem to be thinking carefully and tactically and even brilliantly about who they are and what they want the world to know about them. Under a vicious crackdown, they are coming up with new and devastatingly human ways to reach into the heart of a world that has moved on.
The latest? Iranian men are wearing headscarves.
Having spent just about a full semester now studying in the United Kingdom, I’ve reflected a lot on my home country, the United States of America. I’ve learned new Scottish, Irish and English English expressions, and seen my own American English expressions greeted with stares of confusion. I’ve been nearly run over hundreds of times, misjudging traffic on account of the Brits driving on the wrong side of the road. I’ve noticed CCTV cameras just about everywhere, seen a National Health Service physician for a checkup, and been questioned sternly by immigration officials when exiting and re-entering the country (despite my possessing a perfectly valid student visa) — all of this reminding me that as big as government has gotten under Bush and Obama, it ain’t as big as the UK’s. [Read more →]
I feel more than a little sympathy for President Barack Obama when it comes to the criticism he has received over ‘the bow’ and what it represents to a new generation of virtual, international Miss Manners out there. [Read more →]
10. Visit more cities than you ever expected!
9. We’ll make sure you have time to watch the whole in-flight movie!
8. Up, up, and a way over there!
7. We go the extra distance for you!
6. Some people just know how to fly! Then there’s our pilots!
5. Who knows which flight will turn out to be our Secret Mystery Flight?!
4. Fly the distracted skies of Northwest!
3. Northwest Airlines: We love to overfly, and it shows!
2. Earn extra frequent flier miles!
1. Our planes are so comfy, even the pilots can’t stay awake!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
As a writer for a mix of magazines, I receive a fair amount of invites for press tours. I usually accept or decline based on one strict journalistic principle: is this something I like? For instance, when I received an offer to go on a trip to Bavaria with Sam Adams’ representatives, I signed on because:
1. I like Sam Adams beer.
2. I like German beer.
3. I like beer in general. [Read more →]
Is it just me, or has 2009 been exceptionally rich in the deaths of legendary figures? In August, Ted Kennedy was finally reunited in heaven with Mary Jo Kopechne. In July a much more interesting man, Harry Patch, the last veteran of World War I, died aged 111. [Read more →]
As readers may recall, a month or so back I named Georgia’s Mikheil Saakashvili as the craziest world leader of them all. Well because you certainly won’t have heard this if you watch the evening news, and probably not even if you read the newspapers, I just thought I’d deliver an update on the continuing deterioration of his already fragile mental state. [Read more →]
10. That travel agent you went to drunk turned out to be an Army recruiter.
9. The only summer job you could find was as a deer tick tweezerer.
8. Your boss wouldn’t even give you time off for good behavior.
7. Your summer highlight: watching reruns of “The Iron Chef.”
6. First name “Bernard.” Last name “Madoff.”
5. The only nice meal you’ve had out all summer included a two-hour presentation on timeshares.
4. Your sunburn is so bad, drivers stop at you and wait for you to change.
3. The B&B you stayed at has nothing but lumpy Bs and tasteless Bs.
2. The only action you got at the beach was some kelp in your trunks.
1. Due to hard-of-hearing travel agent, instead of Cancun you’ve wound up in Camden.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The camp motto was: Parents must pay up front.
9. His archery instructor’s hero was William Tell.
8. “Movie Night” consisted of slides of the owner’s vacation in Detroit.
7. The cook’s dishes all began with the word ‘Blackened’ — and he isn’t Cajun.
6. Lacking proper wood, during Arts & Crafts the kids were encouraged to whittle on each other.
5. For some reason, instead of campfire songs, the only songs the counselors knew were show tunes.
4. He sent you a note that he was making a break for it, and to meet him at the north gate at midnight.
3. His cabin mate’s favorite pastime: Tying him to the bedpost and covering him with honey.
2. Inspired by Slumdog Millionaire, every other night the counselors drove the kids into town and made them beg for money.
1. Recreational activities included waterboarding.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. When they say “ocean view,” that includes “on television.”
9. It’s a time-share, and you only get it alternate Tuesdays.
8. There’s a security camera in the shower.
7. The “backyard pool” is only there during high tide.
6. The beach in front of the house is “bring your own sand.”
5. It’s in Nebraska.
4. The lease states that “this agreement includes free nightly massages…for the property owner.”
3. It’s in a newly opened development called Rancho Guantanamo.
2. You’re contractually obligated to ignore the shackled person in the basement.
1. The large number of cobwebs are the only thing keeping the place standing upright.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. A David Frostie
9. Limburger Cheese Float
8. Rape on the Beach
7. Iguana Juice
6. A Crap Frappe
5. Khalid Shake Mohammed
4. A Screaming Sarcasm
3. Lemon & Lyme Disease
2. Dingleberry Smoothie
1. Swine Coolers
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Who is the world’s craziest leader? I’d assume that most people would think of a select handful of America’s more outspoken enemies, with North Korean tyrant and cineaste Kim Jong Il at the top of the list. He’s always reminding us how whacked out he really is — why, just last week he successfully humiliated former president Bill Clinton by forcing him to do a funny little dance in exchange for the release of two American journalists. Then there’s the election-stealing messianic loon Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who leaves a seat vacant at cabinet meetings for the 12th Imam, the Shiite messiah who disappeared as a ten year old boy in the 9th century AD and who Ahmadinejad believes is coming back to conquer the world any day now. However I think that when it comes to crazy these two leaders, although extremely unpleasant, pale into insignificance before America’s ally and good friend, Mikheil Saakashvili, the president of Georgia.
10. He asks you what the word ‘itinerary’ means.
9. He recommends insurance naming him as the beneficiary.
8. He gets you a special deal on a Somali cruise.
7. He is skeptical that so-called “air travel” is even scientifically possible.
6. He wonders how you feel about traveling in the cargo hold.
5. For the second leg of your journey, from London to Amsterdam, he’s just penciled in “Any way you can get there.”
4. He brags that the very first flight he ever booked was for Buddy Holly.
3. The “meals included” at the Brussels hotel are just the mints on your pillow.
2. He asks if he can pack your luggage for you, but only if you promise to keep it a secret.
1. He hopes you won’t mind dropping him and his family off at the airport.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. His above-seat air blower was busted and he felt really really warm.
9. He’d accidently put on his X-Ray Specs that morning, then got confused about what was acceptable.
8. He felt inspired by the in-flight movie: The Full Monty.
7. He’d been smacked in the shins by the food cart so many times, he thought this was the best way to get really noticed.
6. He heard airline stewardesses were “easy.”
5. He’d had six pre-flight cocktails too many.
4. He’s so hairy, he thought people would just think he was wearing a brown suit.
3. He’d read about that new Homeland Security camera that can see through clothes, and he thought he’d save them the trouble.
2. The PA system was so bad, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to “return to its full upright and locked position.”
1. When the sign said it was okay to unbuckle his seat belt, he did, and then just got carried away.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
I mentioned last week that I was on my way to Disney with my family. We spent the whole week down there, and returned Sunday evening. I really didn’t get to follow much in the way of sports, aside from a bit of fantasy baseball. The only TVs I encountered seemed to have nothing but Michael Jackson coverage. So the only sports I can discuss this week involve the challenging task of not being injured by the omnipresent strollers and motorized carts that you find all over Walt Disney World. [Read more →]
I’m packing my bags for a vacation. This trip is different from others I’ve taken in recent years because this time, I’m vacationing with my entire family. That’s right, the whole clan: the parents, the siblings, and their families. Ten personalities trying to peacefully coexist under one roof, for one week. My father has decided that the theme of the week is “tolerance.” I’ve decided that the theme of the week is “homicide.” [Read more →]
This week’s BSGS is going to be brief, as I am on the road, on my way to Disney with my family. To start with, driving from Philadelphia to Savannah in one day could be considered a sport in and of itself. My wife and I shared the driving, with her taking the first stretch from Philly to Emporia, Virginia, and then I took over from Emporia to Savannah. We’ll go the rest of the way to Orlando tomorrow. The sport aspect comes from trying to dodge drivers all along the way (especially once you get south of D.C.) who are driving in the left lane at 60 miles per hour, while you are trying to stick at a steady 80. [Read more →]
10. If you’re drunk enough, slides of past vacations might seem like the real thing.
9. Instead of Fourth of July fireworks, have everyone in your family try closing their eyes and rubbing them.
8. Take your kids for “A Day at the Zoo”; PetSmart doesn’t charge admission.
7. If your local high school athletic field has sand in its pole vault pit, you and your family can set up beach chairs.
6. Instead of Disneyland, take your kids to Dizzyland. The admission is a lot cheaper, their Tea Cups Ride spins a lot faster, and your kids won’t feel like eating a bunch of expensive snacks.
5. With the right mindset, ferry boats are just miniature cruise ships.
4. If your kids have their hearts set on summer camp, there are a number of religious cults willing to take them in for free.
3. Swimming pool? Bathtub? I mean, water is water!
2. Dinner at Taco Bell is like a trip to Mexico – without the drug cartels or dysentery!
1. Eat baked beans before getting into the wading pool and – voila! – you’ve got your own Jacuzzi!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
I was on a road trip last weekend. One of the stops on our wondrous and fulfilling journey was The World’s Largest Baseball Bat. When I arrived I felt like I had been swindled by Barnum.
[Read more →]
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