10. “Yes, that’s a snake in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you!”

9. “My lips aren’t the only things that are magically delicious.”

8. “You sure know how to turn a guy’s blue balls green!”

7. “My small statute makes some things appear much larger by contrast!”

6. “You sure know how to put the Irish spring in my step!”

5. “I’ll grant ye one wish – as long as it involves my pants.”

4. “In today’s market, do you have any idea what a pot o’ gold is worth?!”

3. “You sure are cute! Part of me is Dublin already!”

2. “Top of the mornin’ to ya! Or would you rather be on the bottom?”

1. “What to see my shillelagh?”
 

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10. When you call in sick, it doesn’t involve nearly as much playacting

9. You can get drunk on NyQuil even if you’re underage

8. When members of the opposite sex avoid you like the plague, you can blame the flu

7. You can catch up on your daytime soaps

6. The show “Working It” almost seems kinda funny when you’re delirious with a fever

5. When you’re rude and obnoxious, you have a good excuse

4. You like it when people say you’re hot, even if they’re only feeling your forehead

3. When you call into work, it’s nice to tell the truth for a change

2. You get such a kick, secretly licking the dinner plate of people you hate

1. You can lay around in your jammies all day and not look like a lazy slob
 

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10. “Billy Crystal’s hosting? What, was Letterman busy?”

9. “For Jack and Jill, I thought Adam Sandler would be nominated for Best Actor and Best Actress.”

8. “The Tree of Life is up for a new award: Most Cryptic.”

7. “Somebody told me the stars of The Artist actually know how to speak!”

6. “George Clooney and Brad Pitt? What category is this, Most Hunky?”

5. “I thought The Iron Lady was such a lame sequel to Iron Man!”

4. “I want to see Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese duke it out!”

3. “This thing is lasting longer than a Kardashian marriage.”

2. “I love the new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”

1. “I hear in their next film, Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are going to play each other!”
 

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10. George Washington never said “I cannot tell a lie” – though he did originate the phrase “gettin’ jiggy wit it”

9. President William Howard Taft was so fat, once, while entering the White House, he got stuck between two columns

8. During his Fireside Chats, FDR liked to roast marshmallows

7. Richard Nixon actually enjoyed lying to the American people

6. Bill Clinton was the recipient of more ‘Lewinskis’ than any other President

5. ‘Rough Rider’ was a nickname given to Teddy Roosevelt by his wife

4. George W. Bush was already reading at a third-grade level by the time he was nominated

3. Barack Obama has used the White House’s tanning salon less frequently than any other President

2. Abraham Lincoln was not gay – however, Mary Todd Lincoln was a man

1. Mitt Romney was unquestionably our worst President, irreparably destroying the country
 

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10. I Love you, Dearest, to the stars and back,

9. And cannot wait to see from in your eyes.

8. Today the world may seem a little black.

7. Tomorrow knows a brilliant sun will rise!

6. At last, our two halves will make up a whole!

5. Not merely soulmates, but we’ll be twin flames!

4. Through many lifetimes, this has been our goal!

3. Through many lifetimes, and through many names!

2. I cannot wait to see the end arise!

1. Then see the new beginning through your eyes!
 

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10. The television screen was so small, you had to take turns watching

9. Every five minutes, some old guy was yelling, “Where’s Knute Rockne?”

8. You missed most of the first half so the host could tell you all about Scientology

7. Somebody had already licked all the orange dust off the Cheetos

6. No New York Giants fans, no New England Patriots fans, just Beyoncé fans

5. There’s a big screen TV, but it’s stuck on a station showing “Matlock” reruns

4. The guacamole was moving

3. It was held on Saturday so no one would miss church

2. When the host ran out of beer, he started serving NyQuil

1. The only snacks were what you could find under the couch cushions
 

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10. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin

9. It’s so cold, you’re shivering like Rick Santorum at a Gay Pride parade

8. It’s so cold, when Wall Street investors jumping off buildings hit the sidewalk, they shatter into a million tiny pieces

7. It’s so cold, Osama bin Laden actually saw a snowball where he is

6. It’s so cold, Michele Bachmann’s husband is staying in the closet – for the coats

5. It’s so cold, nobody’s calling the fire department when their house catches on fire

4. It’s so cold, when police tell a robber to freeze, it’s redundant

3. It’s so cold, five rednecks have frozen off their truck nuts

2. It’s so cold, Anthony Weiner is Tweeting pictures of his mukluks

1. It’s so cold, you’re teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass

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10. It’s Larry the Cable Guy’s first dramatic turn

9. Your movie was the basis for the television show “Working It”

8. It stars either Smurfs, gnomes, or chipmunks

7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle

6. The jury at Cannes recommended the death penalty

5. It’s called Incredibly Quiet and Extremely Far Away

4. During its in-flight run, people kept walking out

3. Like The Artist, it’s a silent film, but only due to a technical error

2. Instead of Meryl Streep, it stars Merle Haggard

1. In his review, Roger Ebert said he wished he had more than two thumbs to put down
 
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10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on your mirror

9. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you

8. You recently invested all your money with some Italian guy named Ponzi

7. You’re Michele Bachmann

6. You accidentally watched that new TV show about two dudes in dresses

5. You just woke up from your 2010 New Year’s Eve party

4. You started the new year with ten fingers and toes – now, not so many

3. You can still hear that firecracker someone set off near your head on New Year’s Eve

2. Last year your company went paperless; this year they’re going peopleless

1. You’re still writing “2011” on all your death threats
 

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10. You’re a perfect 36: 12, 12, and 12

9. The judges make note of a suspicious bulge under your bathing suit

8. You can’t stop belching

7. Your evening gown is made out of pork rinds

6. You claim to be from East Virginia

5. During the interview portion, you say that the man you most admire is Satan

4. You spent all your preparation time polishing your tooth

3. The only thing you’ve ever won before is an Abe Vigoda Lookalike Contest

2. Your talent is standing erect

1. Instead of using adhesive spray to keep your swimsuit from riding up, you use duct tape
 

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