Entries Tagged as 'mostly kidding by Matt Scottoline'

‘Tis the season!

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Autumn is upon us, dear readers, and there is no season which I like better. The reasons for my unwavering love for the falls are simple ones, yet they remain worth sharing. Perhaps seeing some of my favorite activities will help you make the most of your season.  [Read more →]

I am the guy seriously considering the purchase of the Barack Obama mask in the Halloween store

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Oh my God. This is it. Jim, have you seen this thing? It looks just like him! Can you run this Dr. Evil costume back to the rack? I don’t need it anymore. This is the one. I’ll go as Obama!

You know who this guy is, right? Yeah, the President… black guy…yeah you get it. Can you imagine? Should I wear a suit with it? No…no…not a suit. I’ll wear a Hawaiian shirt. Oh man, that would be too good. Obama in a Hawaiian shirt, just hanging out. So funny. [Read more →]

I am a tropical storm

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Seldom in life, a man is given an experience that sticks with him forever. His wedding day, for one.  Maybe his Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps his Catholic Bar Mitzvah*. [Read more →]

Bed Bugs: Not So Bad!

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If you’re anything like my mother, you’ve been reading a lot about this impending Bed Bug “pandemic.” Heck, it’s even on TV. There doesn’t seem to be any getting around it.

“We are all going to die.” — Anderson Cooper

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Tips for beating jet lag

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1) Go to bed whenever you feel sleepy. I know. It’s only 3:00 PM. But your eyes hurt! Just go for it. I promise you won’t wake up until a decent hour in the morning. A nice early night. How refreshing!

2) When you wake up at 2:00 AM and are unable to go back to sleep, the solution is simple: turn on all the lights in your house! Your body will think it’s daytime, and you can just have a really long day. It’s like the summer solstice! Seize it! [Read more →]

Rejected titles for the TV show Man v. Food

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Man v. Dignity

Audience v. Stomach

Man v. Reputation

[Read more →]

Moments from famous films I would have ruined had I been the star

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Forrest Gump — 1994

“My mom always told me life was like chocolate. Chocolate box. Wait…no, that wasn’t it. What the heck did she say? It was a box… chocolate… uhm… hang on, let me call my mom.”

The Wizard Of Oz — 1939

“Toto… where the heck are we?”

Frankenstein — 1931

“Whoa… hang on… hey Igor… is that thing… wait… is that thing alive? That is so weird. [Read more →]

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