Last night I dreamt of you, Abbie Hoffman peddling your books, I gave five bucks to you, the other kids just gave you dirty looks.
I said “I’m sorry it didn’t work out quite the way you planned.”
You said, “That’s silly boy, the revolution is at
Last night I dreamt of you, Pepe Lopez strung out on a stage, It don’t even look like you, smiling like sawed-off twenty gauge.
I still remember the
Telecaster down around your knees,
It’s late November and I think I smell tequila on the
And if you got the Cuervo honey, I got the lime,
These are desperate,
And if you got the shotgun honey, I got the crime,
desperate, desperate times.–Rhett Miller
I’ve been too busy dealing with family issues to write or think or do anything really coherent of late. [Read more →]
10. When you call in sick, it doesn’t involve nearly as much playacting
9. You can get drunk on NyQuil even if you’re underage
8. When members of the opposite sex avoid you like the plague, you can blame the flu
7. You can catch up on your daytime soaps
6. The show “Working It” almost seems kinda funny when you’re delirious with a fever
5. When you’re rude and obnoxious, you have a good excuse
4. You like it when people say you’re hot, even if they’re only feeling your forehead
3. When you call into work, it’s nice to tell the truth for a change
2. You get such a kick, secretly licking the dinner plate of people you hate
1. You can lay around in your jammies all day and not look like a lazy slob
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Events have disappointed Massachusetts Mitt but not fatally. On the Monday before the Tuesday there were Rep Est douchebot gunslingers out on the airwaves openly speculating that if Romney couldn’t put Santorum away in Michigan!? Well, the muckies would have to entertain a late term abortion, drawing Romney out like a bi-racial bastard and replacing him, Torch-style… with whom? Jeb Bush seemed to be warming up but he did so by taking the contempt and revulsion Romney has for those who think the problem with the nation is excessive socialism, and doubling down. How this could be done, legally or even within existing Party rules is not discussed. As with the government proper, in the penumbras of Leviathan like the Party machinery there is not a disdain for the law, precedent or simple fairness. Rather these are alien concepts; really alinguist exhalations like the moan of a ghost to the bi-partisan, multi-racial and gender mixed claque of face-smilers and back-stabbers. Their enthusiasm for Jeb, the Chris Christie of the Dynastic Bushes, should be enough to cool the ignorant approbation his name and mug commands. But while Romney did NOT put away Rick, neither was he put away himself. It cost him some four times as much to earn his 41% as Santorum expended to get his 38% but what the hell? To Mitt, it’s only money. [Read more →]
From Change we can believe in to It was like that when I got here. It’s not so great a leap, really. Who thought the ocean’s level was rising disastrously in June of 2008? Who believed that Obama’s seeing off the Hillary juggernaut would stop it? No one and no one. We have simply gone from optimistic nonsense to a fatalistic nonsense. Now, instead of a Bright New Tomorrow we are offered a Bleak Repetitive Today.
If you’re willing to put in the work, the idea is that you should be able to raise a family and own a home; not go bankrupt because you got sick, because you’ve got some health insurance that helps you deal with those difficult times; that you can send your kids to college; that you can put some money away for retirement.
Let’s discuss the etymology of fascism. Fasces, to the Romans were a collection of sticks. The word means no more than bundle or sheaf but a particular bundle was relevant to their daily lives. The fasces were carried as a symbol of office by Roman bigwigs and when they walked through the streets or were carried on litters their bodyguards, called lictors, carried fasces to beat a path through the crowd. The city of Rome was supposedly disarmed by law so the fasces were not considered to be weapons except when the central stick in the bundle was a bronze ax. This symbolized MORE power, in effect the right to chop a lesser citizen into bits. The idea was that state power, as held in the fasces, was to be used coercively but lightly. At first. Stubborn resistors would be beaten. And beaten. And then beaten harder. Finally, reluctantly, sadly… the ax would be employed. [Read more →]
Kudos to the city council and mayor of Los Angeles, California for exhibiting rare leadership by mandating that pornographic film actors wear condoms when they make their films within the LA city limits.
With just a few strokes of his pen, the mayor has saved literally dozens of lives, probably. Actually, it’s probably millions of lives, because now not only will the performers in pornographic films be completely protected from uncovered penises, but the people who watch pornographic films will be reminded of how great condoms are, and they will emulate their pornographic film performer heroes and put them on when they engage in their own coitus. [Read more →]
Rick Perry seems to be adjusting his meds with some success. After sleeping through a couple debates and partying through a couple more his native cunning produced a good, if limited result, assuming the goal was to let some air out of Mitt Romney. Maybe there is real benefit to these bi-weekly debates since there is only ever one or two highlights that make it out into the wider world. The Massachusetts Princeling is wishing he had skipped this one after boldly betting Rick Perry ten thousand dollars that his book says one thing and not another. [Read more →]
10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out
9. Your belly button, formerly an innie, is now an outie
8. People kept saying, “Happy Thanksgiving, Gov. Christie!”
7. NASA is considering one more mission to photograph the other side of you
6. A policeman came up to you and ordered you to disperse
5. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma
4. You’ve gotten inquiries from the Guinness World Records people
3. Old Country Buffet just issued a lifetime ban
2. Your relatives took a picture of you in your Pilgrim outfit, and it’s still printing
1. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 67 years to live
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You saw the nurse filling the syringe with Diet Snapple
9. It makes you so delirious, you seriously start considering voting for Michele Bachmann
8. It has a 100 percent guarantee from Dr. Kevorkian
7. It’s FDA approval is from the Florida Dental Association
6. After injecting you, the doctor offers to sell you the antidote for another hundred bucks
5. The “clinic” is in the backseat of a ’54 Chevy
4. You notice the diploma on the doctor’s office wall is from Hamburger U.
3. Right after getting it, you start shaking like Rick Perry at an NAACP rally
2. You got the shot from a door-to-door grifter
1. The label claims it’s also effective against Cooties
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
A friend of mine has recently gone from being a very healthy guy to deciding he wants to be the healthiest man ever. Suddenly his calendar is filled with triathlons and, when not actually participating in triathlons, he is staying in shape for triathlons, because it’s not like you wake up one morning, grab a few Krispy Kremes for breakfast, and decide, “I feel like traveling a ridiculously long distance as fast as possible today without using my car.” I recently took a trip with him to Chicago to visit a mutual friend and, our first morning there, he popped in his daily workout DVD and then spent the next hour and 15 minutes exercising (the highlight: when the workout commanded him to do pullups he began scrambling around the apartment searching for structures to support his weight, while I noted that our hosts probably wouldn’t appreciate him ripping their shelves from the wall in his desperate attempt to ensure he maxed his workout benefits by ripping off 15 before his body started to cool down). [Read more →]
Dateline DC: This city of swamprats in custom suits is a limbo, a purgatory occassionally slipping into hell. It is the capitol and first city of the Wild East, edging out New York with baroque corruption more obscene than hundred dollar parking if only because the scales of loot and depravity are orders of magnitude larger. Why? For the same reason Willie Sutton robbed banks, rather than lemonade stands. It’s where the money is.
Cornell Jones is no villain, or at least not here. Lifetime criminal though he be, he is at least an honest one, hijacking his hoard with an iron fist and an open gun instead of a soothing word and a hidden dagger. Still, even he was not above getting his hands dirty in Washington politics, [Read more →]
Men’s Health and Yahoo! Health conspired to produce an hilariously misleading set of “9 Scariest Food Facts” that aren’t scary, and aren’t actually facts, either. The piece was written by a couple of assholes called “David Zinczenko with Matt Goulding,” apparently as a promotional tool for their pushy book with the yammering title Eat This, Not That! (has there ever been a book with an exclamation point in the title that wasn’t crap? I really don’t know; I’m not trying to be snide). The piece is almost worth reading as an example of the effective use of unsourced half truths and lies to promote an agenda.
The first “fact”?
1. Nutritious food costs 10 times more than junk food.
University of Washington researchers calculated the cost discrepancy between healthy food and junk foods and found that 2,000 calories of junk food rings up at a measly $3.52 a day. Yet for 2,000 calories of nutritious grub, the researchers plunked down $36.
The asshole authors, David Zinczenko with Matt Goulding, do not include a link to the study to which they are alluding. (They do, however, include a link to a promotional webpage for their fingerwaving screed Buy This, Not That! excuse me I mean Eat This, Not That!) So I had to google it for myself, because I don’t trust a couple of bluenosing jerks just because they say something alarming. And it turns out that the “study” in question does not say what the asshole authors, David Zinczenko with Matt Goulding, claim it does. In fact, it says nothing of the sort. [Read more →]
Let’s say that Barack Obama dons some gay apparel, something like a viking hat and chainmail, hoists Osama’s crab-nibbled melon over his own and runs out on the West Lawn crying out like Braveheart, “Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!” This has a predictable effect, rallying the entire country to the cause of Scottish nationalism, but also whatever other plans the President has cribbed on his ipad. The hottentots in the House and elsewhere fall in to line. The institutions of international finance are also well impressed by this display of leading from the side yard; they promise (and prove to have the ability) to buy up all the T-bills we can print at around 3%. For the most part there is no effect on the media, except that Fox is given over to the closest thing white people have to Obama, Mitt Romney, making it as tractable as a gelded pony. The Bush Era Tax Rates die of natural causes next year, engorging federal revenues while not harming economic activity in the least. Likewise FICA taxes rise to no complaints or ill effect. The regulations of the insurance industry have exactly the intended effect and no other leaving it exactly as prosperous and powerful as Obama wants. In short, let us make this titanic and diverse stipulation that is far, far better than any reasonable Best Case Scenario and still we can confidently predict that Obamacare (or whatever you would like to name it…. Husseincare? How’s that sound?) will fail utterly, catastrophically and grotesquely. And we can blame it on Charlie Sheen. [Read more →]
In an unkinder and less gentle age we might entertain ourselves with a good old fashioned octopus fight or a wrasslin’ match between siamese twins. Not between two pairs of twins mind you, but two conjoined bodies grabbing and spiraling around one another trying to get on top when, really, there is no top. If this wholesome spectacle isn’t a violation of federal civil rights codes it probably runs afoul of your local blue laws so instead let us examine closely the grunting, morbid struggle between Romney and Obama.
Mitt and Barack are, of course, joined at the healthcare. Once this was a happier state of affairs for the son of Michigan Mormons than it was for the grandson of Hawaiian commies. [Read more →]
“It is now time for those that have been helped by Sylvia or the philosophy that she has brought to this life to help her by donating to her church. On behalf of Sylvia and everyone at Novus Spiritus we thank you for whatever support you can provide during this time of extreme need.”
I will pass on this opportunity to provide aid to someone in her leather-faced and desperate hour of need. However, if you’re interested in lending a hand, all manner of credit cards are accepted.
I ask a simple question for the first guy that I met. And I said, ‘What about the eleventh year? You guys constructed this health care bill with six years of costs and ten years of revenue. What about the eleventh year?’ And the guy looks at me and says, ‘I’m eighty!’ Sam Zell
Yes, this is the fact of the matter by the admission of reformists themselves; six years of spending supported by ten years of revenue. Mr Zell is actually quite generous here as the fly in the ointment surfaces in the seventh year, not the eleventh. By the eleventh year, even on its own terms, the whole operation will be five years in arrears. And the anonymous Senator presumes he will then be dead and happily so. Well, we assume this is a fellow who knows his own worth. If he is happy we should be happy. But what if his date with eternity stands him up? What if death disappoints? [Read more →]
Healthcare is in peril. Whether it is from spiraling costs, the effort to curb same; a vicious program of exclusion or a dunderheaded attempt to baby-proof the globe we can all agree, the benefits of our current system and whatever medical promises held in the future all hang by a thread. Here agreement ends, however. The concept of polarization doesn’t begin to describe it. The Arctic and Antarctic have more in common than the warring factions that promote and oppose the thing we are not supposed to call Obamacare. [Read more →]