November 24, 2009
I dream I am finishing up a meal at a movie theater. I purchase supplementary cucumber slices, but Gail feels that they are starting to get slimy. We then notice that we are the last people there, so we get up to leave. The employees are happy to see us go, but then I realize that we didn’t pay for the cucumbers. I go back in to find that a large group of young people are gathered for a presentation. I ask what the presentation is about and I find that the subject is euthanizing the elderly. The process involves relaxing them in warm oil before killing them.

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June 26, 2010
I dream I am appearing in a burlesque show in a high school theater. Attendance is sparse and the show is not going well. It is time for my trained dog act, but the dog is not there. A dog I don’t know has shown up with his trainer, and they suggest I do the act with this strange dog. I say, “I’ve never worked with this dog.” They say, “Ah, just give it a try.” I say, “Hello, Doggie,” and the dog barks viciously. At first I am terrified but then the dog gets right up to my face, smiles, and says “Hello, Fred.” It becomes clear that this dog will be a sensation and I am already anticipating the accolades, but nearby a Metro North train is letting out and the crowds pass right across our stage. Sadly, none of them stay for the show. I am astonished to learn that there is a Metro North track that runs right across the back of the stage. I wonder why more people don’t get killed.

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June 21, 2010
I dream it is the first week of school and I am looking at my first set of papers. I see that one student has turned in two different papers for the same assignment. If this were not suspicious enough, both were printed with the smelly blue ink that used to be used with a stencil in hand-cranked copying machines. I go to the computer to look up this student, but I can’t figure out his game. Whatever else happens, though, I refuse to read two papers.

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June 13, 2010
I dream I work on the staff of an enormous entertainment complex visited by hundreds of thousands of people every day. It is coming to the end of an event, and cars tied together with rope move past us in a huge procession. Eric and I hang around until the crowd thins out and Liza Minnelli joins us at our table and starts singing. Later on, Liza performs memory feats. It is getting to be time for me to perform, but I am not wearing my pants. I pull my shirt down to cover my genitals. Meanwhile, an elderly man runs around with his enormous schlong waving and he’s making a big show of it. I am grateful for the distraction.

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April 15, 2010
I dream I am staying in a secluded house with an old girlfriend and some others. A man I suspect of being a vampire comes over and tries to establish dominion over the house. A transportation strike has begun, and I suspect that the vampire has started it to keep us at this location. I have to escape. I dump the girlfriend and go out on foot during the day and try to get as far away as possible. I hitchhike to Pittsburgh.

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June 5, 2010

I dream I am on an undercover job at an institution and I’m concealing the following things:  I have a metal fitting under my pierced nipple, another metal fitting under my pierced testicles, and I’m wearing a full body harness/undergarment.  Fortunately, it’s cold so the harness/undergarment is not unpleasant to wear.  The people on my crew know what’s up and they help me conceal my true identity.  Meanwhile, back at our home/headquarters, we are living among people we don’t know.  There are Asians there and I don’t know if they are with us or against us.  I take a nap on the sofa and someone removes the metal fitting from my pierced testicles.  I pretend to be asleep, but I know what’s going on.

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May 21, 2010
I dream I live in a fancy community of witches and warlocks situated near an amusement park. We hear bad omens and our worst fears come true. A very sophisticated rival group has sent over their crows to let us know there is to be a challenge. During a pool party we attempt to figure out how we will be attacked. On the night of the big skirmish I and several other less intrepid wizards congregate at the top of the roller coaster to wait this thing out.

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May 9, 2010
I dream I am sitting in my old house in the middle of the night with Daniel and Bobbi. I cut up a long vegetable, but I can’t tell if it’s a cucumber or a zucchini. Daniel is sure it’s a cucumber and Bobbi thinks it’s an eggplant, but I assure her that an eggplant has never entered our house. I consider this further and go downstairs and discover that the burglar alarm is not on and that the back door is open and sitting in my basement are three people I don’t know. There is a large glass shard from a bottle, so I brandish it and tell them to get the fuck out of my house. My voice, however, sounds like that of a comic drunkard, so they don’t take me seriously. I start stabbing them lightly, but still they don’t leave. I stab all of them, including a little old lady, but to them I seem to be a nuisance and not a threat.

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August 29, 2008
I dream I am sharing a hotel room with Gail, Deborah, Eric, and Don. It’s about time to get up, and Eric is skeeved to note that he had been resting his head on my crotch all night. I laugh it off and we start to get up. The last two people out of bed are Gail and Don, so I pretend to be indignant and drag Don off the bed. I excoriate him, in Italian, for ruining my woman.

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April 8, 2010
I dream I am watching a performance by fabulous magician Andrew Goldenhersh. He is doing a new bit with a large pile of white powder he says is salt. He is going to make a volcano, and he lights the powder and it begins to sputter and explode. It firebombs the audience with fragments of white goo. Fortunately, none of the goo touches me. Then the volcano throws off organized smoke that forms in the shapes of bunnies and rocket ships. It is very magical and I am inspired to visit a magic shop, but there are none. I go to the open air library to look for a phone book. When I finally find one, not only are there no magic shops listed, but there is nothing that begins with the letter “m.”

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