July 5, 2010
I dream I am working at a paramilitary version of a university at which there are many regulations. I have used the mustard wrong, so I am pulled from duty and forced to take a shower. I am given 36 seconds, but I’m told that the time started before I had my clothes off. I am then placed on “line duty.” My job is to herd people through the line of the local dinner theater. I have subordinates who are required to keep people moving through three sets of turnstiles in an orderly manner.

December 13, 2009
I dream I am trying to impress a woman, but when I go to the men’s room my underpants and tee shirt accidentally fall into the toilet. I must conceal this. I can go without underpants but she may wonder where the tee shirt I was wearing had gone. I decide to fess up, even though I can’t quite understand how my underwear got immersed. Then, I head to the Broadway Theater Mall in New York. My parents and I have tickets to a show, but when we go to the line we discover that we have to take a shuttle plane to a nearby island where the play takes place.

August 12, 2006
I dream I am in a bus in NYC, and I spot out of the corner of my eye through a second floor window a very busy shelf with some magic equipment on it. I get out of the bus. On my way over, I meet a man who informs me that I won’t be allowed in there unless I prove to them that I am a real magician. I am not concerned. When I go into the building they let me right in. I climb up onto a desk in a shallow elevator. When I get to the second floor, I see that it’s not only magic stuff, but it’s all weird and rare. A saleswoman shows me a collection of lighting gels with the names of different magicians on them. She also shows me lengths of rope that were used by various magicians and celebrities. I am impressed by the Ethel Merman rope. I get on my phone to call Marc DeSouza, because this is more his sort of thing than mine. When his line picks up people are applauding wildly.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

July 9, 2010
I dream there is a gathering at my very mod home, and a friend of my mother’s who sees herself as a nature lover is playing too aggressively with a pet snake. The snake bites her in the mouth and leaves fangs in her tongue. We beg this woman to go to the emergency room, but she just pulls the fangs out of her tongue and goes on with her day. The snake is left without teeth, and it keeps trying to bite the head off of a chicken. The chicken seems to be enjoying having its head in the snake’s mouth and repeatedly pulling it out.

January 2, 2009
I dream Gail and I are on the bus to go to our old high school. We plan on attending classes even though we both graduated decades ago. When we get off the bus the reality of the situation gets to us and we chicken out. Instead, we take a walk through the neighborhood. We see a circus and go there instead.

March 23, 1994
I dream I am going to sleep at an opulent version of Gail’s house. Before I leave my father insists I bring food, so I pack half a chicken. A few minutes later, my father sneaks more chicken into my bag. I feel encumbered by the chicken, so that night after everyone in Gail’s house has gone to bed, I flush the chicken down the toilet. As I flush, the doorbell rings. There are three guys who want to sell me something. By the time I get back to the bathroom, Gail’s mother has rescued the chicken from the toilet and is planning meals. We have a banal conversation about how much we like chicken.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

November 24, 2009
I dream I am finishing up a meal at a movie theater. I purchase supplementary cucumber slices, but Gail feels that they are starting to get slimy. We then notice that we are the last people there, so we get up to leave. The employees are happy to see us go, but then I realize that we didn’t pay for the cucumbers. I go back in to find that a large group of young people are gathered for a presentation. I ask what the presentation is about and I find that the subject is euthanizing the elderly. The process involves relaxing them in warm oil before killing them.

October 17, 2009
I dream I am in New York riding a horse and neighborhood toughs want to kill me. One pursues me on foot. My horse should evade him easily, but he is gaining on us. I need to get to the end of the block in order to escape and the horse is galloping but the thug is closing in. (I awaken with my heart pounding.)

September 17, 1995
I dream I am visiting a combination of the Philadelphia Zoo and a cemetery. Some people are not completely buried-parts of their caskets are sticking up above ground. I run into a school chum, a skinny wisenheimer guy who breaks down and cries. He insinuates himself into my life to the point where I want to kill him. Deborah is his protector and friend, however, and she scares me. Eventually, I beat the guy up and contemplate sticking him into a suitcase and throwing him somewhere. Deborah keeps me from killing him. Afterwards I walk the streets wet and naked. I run into Deborah and she does not beat me up.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

June 26, 2010
I dream I am appearing in a burlesque show in a high school theater. Attendance is sparse and the show is not going well. It is time for my trained dog act, but the dog is not there. A dog I don’t know has shown up with his trainer, and they suggest I do the act with this strange dog. I say, “I’ve never worked with this dog.” They say, “Ah, just give it a try.” I say, “Hello, Doggie,” and the dog barks viciously. At first I am terrified but then the dog gets right up to my face, smiles, and says “Hello, Fred.” It becomes clear that this dog will be a sensation and I am already anticipating the accolades, but nearby a Metro North train is letting out and the crowds pass right across our stage. Sadly, none of them stay for the show. I am astonished to learn that there is a Metro North track that runs right across the back of the stage. I wonder why more people don’t get killed.

June 23, 2010
I dream I am in a mall about to order dinner at a food court counter. A friendly bulldog puts my thumb in his mouth and drags me across the floor. He then jumps on top of me, licks me, and hugs me. I am embarrassed, but I feel loved.

March 9, 1994
I dream I am in a restaurant and a woman I don’t know sits down to watch me eat. I feel uncomfortable, but try to appear nonchalant. I chat with her awhile, and then make some Devil Dog tea. When we look outside and examine the monuments, we see that we are in a combination of Penn Station and Red Square.

June 21, 2010
I dream it is the first week of school and I am looking at my first set of papers. I see that one student has turned in two different papers for the same assignment. If this were not suspicious enough, both were printed with the smelly blue ink that used to be used with a stencil in hand-cranked copying machines. I go to the computer to look up this student, but I can’t figure out his game. Whatever else happens, though, I refuse to read two papers.

December 22, 2009
I dream I have to leave my family to teach a class. I climb up to my classroom through a series of ornate hatches connected to ladders and when I finally get there it is filled with students I haven’t seen in a long time. One kid approaches me with tiny scraps of paper in his hands, and makes unintelligible sounds. I think he wants me to look at these little scraps of paper as excuse notes. “F! F! F! F!” I scream. He finally leaves. Then I ask other people who the hell they are. I ask a student for a piece of paper to use as an attendance sheet. Instead, she plucks a hair from her head and hands it to me. I can’t use the hair, so I scrounge on the floor for usable paper. In the meantime, the wall to the next room opens up. It appears to be a recording studio, in which an elderly woman plays a messed up version of Cole Porter’s “Another Openin’ Another Show.” A student tries to sing it, but doesn’t know the words, so I jump in.

October 5, 2008
I dream Forrest asks me to look at his magic act to give feedback. I pick up a piece of paper and say “You know what I’d like to do, Forrest? I’d like to be able to hold up this piece of paper and have it spontaneously rip by itself.” As soon as I say it, the paper magically rips. Forrest is amazed and asks me to do it again. I find another piece of paper, hold it up, and miraculously it rips in half. I do this with several pieces of paper, and I am at a loss to explain how it is happening. I assume that the spirit of a dead magician is performing the trick for me. I don’t believe in paranormal phenomena, but given this paper ripping I have to reevaluate my position.

 ”Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

June 13, 2010
I dream I work on the staff of an enormous entertainment complex visited by hundreds of thousands of people every day. It is coming to the end of an event, and cars tied together with rope move past us in a huge procession. Eric and I hang around until the crowd thins out and Liza Minnelli joins us at our table and starts singing. Later on, Liza performs memory feats. It is getting to be time for me to perform, but I am not wearing my pants. I pull my shirt down to cover my genitals. Meanwhile, an elderly man runs around with his enormous schlong waving and he’s making a big show of it. I am grateful for the distraction.

May 10, 2010
I dream that hovering over the city there is an enormous floating building many city blocks in size. I had heard of this project. Meanwhile, on the floating building, I am enjoying dinner with Gail and the men wish for us to sign some kind of financial instrument. I look for a cue from Gail, and she suggests that we sign fake names. I sign “Max Moises.” We leave the room, but on the way out we are stopped and questioned. I am busted.

August 8, 2006
I dream I am in our bedroom, and as I walk out I feel what appears to be a spider web. I want to turn on the lights to investigate, but Gail is asleep and I don’t want to interrupt her. I investigate in the dark. The spider web is tacky, but it is thick; about the diameter of the string that would be around a bakery box. I decide that the spider that spun this would have to be an enormous tarantula. Even so, I don’t turn on the lights because I don’t want to alarm Gail.

 ”Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

April 15, 2010
I dream I am staying in a secluded house with an old girlfriend and some others. A man I suspect of being a vampire comes over and tries to establish dominion over the house. A transportation strike has begun, and I suspect that the vampire has started it to keep us at this location. I have to escape. I dump the girlfriend and go out on foot during the day and try to get as far away as possible. I hitchhike to Pittsburgh.

June 16, 2008
I dream a young Asian girl thinks she is my girlfriend. Every day when I get off the school bus, she gets off with me and expects me to spend the afternoon with her. I don’t want to insult her, and when she comes in for a kiss I try to keep it chaste.

January 18, 1994
I dream I am playing golf inside a lawn and garden store with former girlfriend Alison. I feel awkward because we didn’t break up as civilly as I would have liked. Later, we get on line to see a showdown between Batman and the Joker.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

June 5, 2010

I dream I am on an undercover job at an institution and I’m concealing the following things:  I have a metal fitting under my pierced nipple, another metal fitting under my pierced testicles, and I’m wearing a full body harness/undergarment.  Fortunately, it’s cold so the harness/undergarment is not unpleasant to wear.  The people on my crew know what’s up and they help me conceal my true identity.  Meanwhile, back at our home/headquarters, we are living among people we don’t know.  There are Asians there and I don’t know if they are with us or against us.  I take a nap on the sofa and someone removes the metal fitting from my pierced testicles.  I pretend to be asleep, but I know what’s going on.

January 23, 2010

I dream that for reasons I don’t understand I am institutionalized.  It seems like a nice, painless institution–a big complex with beautiful gardens, and it seems to be attached to a catering hall at which fancy affairs are held.  The least pleasant thing about it is that instead of having individual rooms, the patients sleep in a gymnasium.  Paula is there too and I excuse myself when she is interviewed by a doctor.  When I return the doctor is gone and I wonder if I am ever going to be able to leave.

April 30, 2009

I dream I am attending to my father in some sort of institution.  I have to leave, and my friends Randy and Francis agree to look after my father.  When I return my father is invigorated, because Randy and Francis took him to a nearby nursing home to visit a friend of his from his race track days.  Furthermore, Randy and Francis have been working with my father on some arts and crafts projects with construction paper, glitter, and eggs.  Two of the eggs hatch.  The chicks walk around on the table and perform little routines.

 ”Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

May 21, 2010
I dream I live in a fancy community of witches and warlocks situated near an amusement park. We hear bad omens and our worst fears come true. A very sophisticated rival group has sent over their crows to let us know there is to be a challenge. During a pool party we attempt to figure out how we will be attacked. On the night of the big skirmish I and several other less intrepid wizards congregate at the top of the roller coaster to wait this thing out.

June 30, 2009
I dream a number of contemporary vampire vignettes. In one community, the vampires chase people on boats. They’re crude, angry redneck vampires, one of whom has two large, squared off teeth with a giant space between them and no smaller teeth in-between. These vampires are easy to evade. In another vignette, the heroine, a rather put-upon, goth young woman, evades a vampire who is sweet on her. He approaches in various ways-through smoke and through spontaneous appearance, and yet the goth girl manages to forestall him. Fortunately, I do not appear in any of these vignettes.

April 27, 2009
I dream I am with a group, preparing to escape our oppressors. Our plan is for one of us to stage an elaborate breakup and scandalize the community. We move to an apartment building nearby, and the neighbors are suspicious. We are monitored through the viewing hole of the door and the neighborhood is flooding. We have secreted weapons throughout our new apartment and we are prepared to kill our oppressors.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

May 9, 2010
I dream I am sitting in my old house in the middle of the night with Daniel and Bobbi. I cut up a long vegetable, but I can’t tell if it’s a cucumber or a zucchini. Daniel is sure it’s a cucumber and Bobbi thinks it’s an eggplant, but I assure her that an eggplant has never entered our house. I consider this further and go downstairs and discover that the burglar alarm is not on and that the back door is open and sitting in my basement are three people I don’t know. There is a large glass shard from a bottle, so I brandish it and tell them to get the fuck out of my house. My voice, however, sounds like that of a comic drunkard, so they don’t take me seriously. I start stabbing them lightly, but still they don’t leave. I stab all of them, including a little old lady, but to them I seem to be a nuisance and not a threat.

May 8, 2010
I dream I am at a synagogue on the high holidays and we are given a break, so I go to the lunch room and sit at a table with a bunch of people I’ve known since elementary school. I tell Kerry how impressed I am with his Facebook page. He thinks nothing of it and shows me something better. He throws a brick at a giant plate glass window and it shatters. Everyone wonders why he did that, but then he says “watch,” and he concentrates. He clouds our minds so that it looks as though the glass gradually restores itself. I didn’t know he had this ability. Later on, I discover that magician Eugene Burger is a goth doctor in a nearby hospital. I didn’t know he was Jewish.

August 18, 1998
I dream I am in the dining bubble/tower of a Catskill resort hotel. As I dine, I can see the outside through the glass walls and it looks beautiful and autumnal. In the distance, however, I see winter approaching rapidly and in a moment it begins storming wildly. Very shortly, the dining bubble is engulfed in snow and, because of the weight, falls off the tower and turns upside down. Suddenly, the resort people-who deal with this all the time-push a button that causes the bubble to right itself and push several feet above the snow. Now the view from the bubble is that of a gorgeous snow land, and I am amazed at how the engineers have solved their problems.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

August 29, 2008
I dream I am sharing a hotel room with Gail, Deborah, Eric, and Don. It’s about time to get up, and Eric is skeeved to note that he had been resting his head on my crotch all night. I laugh it off and we start to get up. The last two people out of bed are Gail and Don, so I pretend to be indignant and drag Don off the bed. I excoriate him, in Italian, for ruining my woman.

June 4, 1999
I dream I am in California after having checked out the smut department of a hip bookstore. Despite the fact that I’m on a bench on a crowded boardwalk, a thirtyish woman with red hair sits on my lap and talks coquettishly. As she grabs my hand and sticks it into her crotch, she tells me she is selling naked pictures of herself. Seems like a good idea, but I’m too shy to ask her how much.

October 11, 1995
I dream I run into a tall woman named Susan in a hallway, and since I feel myself about to wake up I figure I might as well try to have sex with her. She pulls off her shirt and I grab and fondle her. She kisses me on the mouth and rips her pants away from her crotch. Just as I enter her through the rip in her pants, I look down and see that I just put my penis into a CD player.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

April 8, 2010
I dream I am watching a performance by fabulous magician Andrew Goldenhersh. He is doing a new bit with a large pile of white powder he says is salt. He is going to make a volcano, and he lights the powder and it begins to sputter and explode. It firebombs the audience with fragments of white goo. Fortunately, none of the goo touches me. Then the volcano throws off organized smoke that forms in the shapes of bunnies and rocket ships. It is very magical and I am inspired to visit a magic shop, but there are none. I go to the open air library to look for a phone book. When I finally find one, not only are there no magic shops listed, but there is nothing that begins with the letter “m.”

June 5, 1998
I dream I have a photography appointment with Fran, a friend from high school. After the session, I’m disappointed because she tries to hustle me into buying prints at high prices. Then, when I go to Fran’s cocktail party wearing a bathrobe, my brother informs me that I am dressed irreverently. I tell him I’m sorry I didn’t wear my bunny suit. Meanwhile, Lts. Kelley and Sipowicz are chasing down some bad guys. Sipowicz frightens an old nemesis by using a vacuum cleaner as a futuristic gun. The nemesis urinates in his pants.

September 29, 1995
I dream I am friends with a woman who owns bunnies and keeps three in her car. One day she gets in trouble with the authorities because her bunnies have been multiplying and the car is grotesquely overloaded. My friend placates the authorities by dividing the bunnies into groups and storing them in abandoned cars. Eventually, she has an infomercial in which she sells the shells of television sets as rabbit hutches.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

February 28, 2010
I dream there is a campus celebration and two girls are practicing their magic act. One of them can have her arms penetrate solid objects despite the fact that her thumbs are tied together. I appreciate this trick and I would like to invite these girls to perform in a show with me. Unfortunately, the word comes down that the puppets are running amok. We must kill them. That’s not too hard to do since they’re made out of cloth and they’re not that strong.

June 6, 2001
I dream I work as an attendant on a tower of death ride. My one job is to look for problems and push a panic button. At the end of the day, I am dropped off at a mall/arcade near my house and I run into Dan, who is trying to impress a young lady. The young lady instantly takes a shine to me. I charm her by using my foot as a puppet.

April 8, 1999
I dream a beloved female dog is capable of various transformations. Sometimes she’s a live dog, other times she’s a puppet dog, and at still other times she’s an animated dog. In her live phase, the dog wants to get fucked and when a likely candidate comes to her home she transforms into her animated self to check whether or not the other dog has balls. She’s very happy the dog has balls.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

April 6, 2010
I dream I am about to leave on a road trip to shoot a television show with my brother. We are late. We rush to the bus station on our bikes and a young man is inspired to see us because he, too, is on his bike and he plans to make it to his location on time. He asks us if we feel positive. We say we feel pretty good, but we don’t know for sure if we will make it. The young man is disgusted because of our lack of certainty, and he lectures us because we don’t think positively.

November 11, 2009
I dream I am going to a medieval-themed area in town and learn that the Monty Python troupe is planning to invade. I would like to meet them, but I’m afraid the place will be too crowded and wild. I go home before the place gets crazy, but I regret it. I return late that night and find that everyone is drunk on alcoholic gel that they rub into their skin. I have to go to the bathroom so I find a pair of conversation toilets. I am paired with a little old lady, but I can’t do my business in this situation.

July 12, 2008
I dream I am rushing to my college psychology class which is taught by Heidi. When I get there, I am an hour late and a very long test awaits me. In order to pass, I must be fitted for a pair of blue jeans. Bill Cosby has me try them on, and suggests that I shorten them with a small pair of metal scissors.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

April 16, 2010
I dream I live in a depressing room in a dormitory so I visit my auxiliary room, which is much nicer. There is a polished wooden cane leaning up against a rich-looking wooden door so I begin to cane-walk. I hold the cane upright with the bottom tip on the floor, crouch down low, and hang from the top of the cane. I push myself up, balance in the air for a second at a time, and land a couple of feet away, sort of like mini-pole vaulting. After a few minutes of cane-walking through my auxiliary room, I feel that something is wrong and I check my penis. I find it has a 90 degree downward bend in it. I try to straighten it out, but it won’t budge. I know I’ll have to go to the health center. I notice I left the door open and people are watching me.

January 16, 2009
I dream I am walking with Gail through the Streets of New York and looking at the sites. We see a family, including a young boy with a talis, lighting Sabbath candles. Gail and I agree that this is a beautiful moment. We get to our destination and go up the stairs to see a prosperous financial advisor. By the time we talk to the advisor, Gail has transformed into a barrel-chested older man. The advisor assures us that this is a good time to invest in the stock market. On the way out, the barrel-chested man and I discuss the meeting. He likes what the financial advisor has said, and I feel willing to invest a little bit of money.

September 30, 1996
I dream I am walking with my father and my brother on the last lap of our journey. The road is all uphill in an area that is green and filled with corn fields. Every time we reach the crest of a hill, we see that the next hill is taller. Nevertheless, despite the walking uphill, we do not get tired.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

January 29, 2010
I dream I am on a trip with my brother and in a subway station he buys a huge supply of government hotdogs. After he thinks about it, he realizes he has been rooked by the diminutive hotdog man. Normally, he would sue in this situation, but since the diminutive hotdog vendor is a city employee and Dan is reluctant to implicate former mayor, Ed Rendell, he resigns himself to being rooked. Meanwhile, we have to transport the huge supply of hotdogs and accompanying furniture, and we run into Betsy who tells me that Dan should get out on the social networking websites more frequently. I tell her he’s out on those from time to time, but she says not enough. I say, “How do you know? Have you even gone out with him?” She says, “Yes.” I am livid because neither my brother nor Betsy told me about the date. I also wonder why she and I had never gone out on a date.

January 20, 2010
I dream my father and brother and I are taking a trip to Europe and we take the new Iceland train. It takes several days to get to Iceland by train and I’m bored, so I buy shoes from a vending machine for seven dollars. The machine measures your feet and finds perfectly fitting shoes for you, except when the machine measures my feet it determines that I wear women’s shoes. It is embarrassing, but they fit perfectly even though I have one shoe and one sneaker. Later, when I look at the box, I discover there are actually three pairs of shoes; one little old lady pair and two pairs of sneakers, one pink and one blue. In addition, I purchase from a vending machine the Icelandic version of the Hostess Ho Ho. Instead of three separate Ho Ho’s, there is one obscenely large one.

July 2, 1999
I dream I am at a huge, weirdly crowded fair. I am happy because among the many game and food vendors there are many magic vendors. Some famous magicians are there, as is Sigourney Weaver. I stop at all of the booths and on the way out I watch a performance. Six or seven acrobats are sculpturally intermingled with sets of linking rings from which they are escaping. Then, they ascend an urban-looking set and seem to fly from building to building at impossibly slow speeds. It can’t be an acrobatic act. They are actually flying. One flies nearby and I ask “How do you do that?” He says, “I’m video.” Yes, indeed. He has wobbly pixels.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

March 9, 2010
I dream I have purchased a large rubbery lizard that is said to have a rudimentary artificial intelligence. At first, I am unimpressed by the lizard and wish to throw it out, but gradually the lizard gets smarter and larger. My plan it to ditch the lizard at a synagogue function. I leave it in a small pond in back of the event, but it has turned charming and has acquired the ability to change colors. It has grown large now, so I fold it up and bring it home.

May 26, 1999
I dream I am at a playground talking to articulate lizards with long, green bodies, only two legs each, and perfectly semi-circular snouts. Huge trucks are staking out their grounds. Then, the more intelligent of the two lizards bites me. I contemplate what weapons I will need to clobber them.

April 22, 1999
I dream I am going to my mother’s doctor to turn in some paperwork. The woman behind the pay window, however, insists I write her a check and I’m not sure what to do. Meanwhile a man does a demonstration with a series of pits. A giant lizard-creature comes out of one pit and attacks the man. The man successfully defends himself but the lizard-creature is only toying with him. Somehow, I know the demonstration with the pits and lizard is a commentary on the business transaction with the doctor.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

March 24, 2010
I dream I am working at a food court at the Coney Island boardwalk, and Bill Cosby is talking to a young man. I can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, but the young man appears skeptical. He doesn’t understand why Cosby is interested in him or why he wants to talk to him. Cosby is passionate, however, and he informs the young man that he loves him. The young man does not believe it.

October 7, 2009
I dream I at a combination mall/movie set in which a blur between art and life is being filmed. A combination of Tom Cruise and an emaciated John Travolta play the villain in a movie about thought vampires who can influence what people think and make them do whatever they want. Young girls want to be in their thrall. I, instead, escape into a school bus with my father. My father is driving erratically and wants to go to a Dunkin Donuts. He parks in an overwrought manner and I am unnerved.

August 30, 2009
I dream I am working with Penelope Cruz in a very sexy play. I am doing the needle trick, but she insists I use finishing nails and dental floss instead of needles and thread. Then she wants to kick it up some. She takes off all of her clothes and we rehearse variations of different magic tricks while simulating lovemaking. In addition to the magic tricks, she shows me how to arrange loaves of bread in an aesthetic but apparently haphazard manner.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

February 6, 2010
I dream it is Saturday morning and the cleaning man and his people are here, but not much cleaning is being done. The cleaning man tells me he thinks of himself as a designer, not a cleaning man. I tell him, no, he’s a cleaning man and I gave him money and he is to clean the house. He explains that this is not “the thing,” and that I must at least help him with the “swats.” I say, “What is this word, ‘swats’?” He says, “Rags.” I say, “As far as I know, I am not obligated to help you with the ‘swats.’ I am paying you a hundred dollars. You are supposed to clean the house.” During this conversation I notice that the sofa cushions are on the dining room table.

June 15, 2008
I dream I am renting a room from people who at the beginning of the dream are Asian and by the end of the dream are Greek. The house is a mess and various servants who are being polite are encouraging me to clean up. As the day progresses, I see that the servants are cleaning and removing furniture. I don’t know where they are putting everything. I have learned that there is going to be a party the next day, and all kinds of irritating things are happening. I turn on the shower and the nozzle is pointing out into the room; someone has used my shower to wash the room. And, furniture is missing. My bed is missing. I ask the owner if she is planning to send me to a hotel, and she finds this very funny. She says, “Yeah, we’re going to send you to a hotel.”

February 23, 1999
I dream Millie wants me to branch out into a new showering service. I am to stay in the shower room, wet and naked, and shower customers throughout the day. Then, as part of the service, I am to take a Polaroid picture of the customer in the shower. Millie assures me that this will go well, but I tell her I happen to know a number of people who would not appreciate having their picture taken in the shower. Millie tells me to use my judgment.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

August 8, 2009
I dream Deborah has just arrived for a visit with me and Gail. When I am alone for a few moments with Deborah, I see there are specks of blood on her face. I ask her what the hell happened. She says she had to rescue a cat who had hung himself from her shower rod. She couldn’t untie him, so she had to find a pair of scissors and cut him down. I tell her to clean up, but she insists she doesn’t look that bad. Later on, I see that the cat has a collar and I impulsively cut the collar off with a pair of scissors. The cat suddenly has a burst of energy because he is finally free.

September 3, 2001
I dream I am looking for magic shops below Cottman Avenue and I find one I used to visit. An ex-girlfriend who works there sends me downstairs to talk to “the boys.” I can see the boys through a glass window. They are sliding cats down a banister and laughing as the cats crash into the window. I think about calling the cops on them, but I decide I don’t like cats anyway.

September 18, 1996
I dream Gail and I are guests at David Mamet’s apartment. I see through the window a suspicious-looking man swinging from a vine. He appears to be stranded, so I call 911. As I watch the swinging man from a crouching position, one of Mamet’s cats, a black panther, sweeps by me luxuriously. He feels good, but I know I’m in danger. I nonchalantly walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. Later on, Gail complains because I have to stay at Mamet’s apartment, I’m too cheap to get a motel.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.