March 7, 2010
I dream I am with friends who cultivate eccentricities. I am fussy about the kinds of eccentricities I am willing to cultivate, but with them, anything goes. For example, I am reluctant to use the new inspirational paper towels. I am ok with the old ones imprinted with general homilies that might be appropriate in a wide range of contexts, but my friends prefer the new ones that are thought to be the word of God. If anyone has a problem or question, all they do is rip off the next paper towel and do what it says. My friends recline together in enormous beds and think up odd things to do. I feel out of it, and begin work on a list of eccentric activities.

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February 20, 2010
I dream I am a youngish version of myself attending a summer theater program at NYU. We have our belongings arranged for inspection in an orientation room and it is clear people brought too much stuff. The head of the program has us pack up and head towards the dorms. I walk with one other student and we run into the head of the program who is chatting with Meryl Streep. Meryl seems interested in me, which feels wonderful and bizarre. I ask the head of the program where we go to pick up our room keys. He gives me a funny look. Suddenly, someone picks me up from behind and holds me aloft while another man pours a very cold beverage onto my crotch.

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January 17, 2010
I dream I am Dr. House and Gail is Dr. Cuddy. I am looking after Cuddy/Gail’s health hotel, and I receive a psychic message that the showers are to be taken over by evil spirits. I tape down the sides of the shower curtains. Suddenly, blood and guts start to spray from the nozzles, filling up the showers. I exorcise the demons and all goes back to normal.

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February 1, 2010
I dream I am interviewing Bob Newhart during a midterm exam. Bob is charming, and he allows me to hang out in his West Philly home where he is finishing up a memoir. I sneak back later to finish up a few things and I inadvertently destroy a tropical fish hors d’ oeuvre. While getting rid of the evidence I discover a crazy elderly woman sleeping underneath his kitchen work table. I try to escape before Bob gets back.

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January 5, 2010
I dream I am playing Barnaby in a miserable production of Hello, Dolly. No one knows his lines, nothing works correctly, and I cannot locate my pants. The problem with the production is attributed to a demonic presence that messes things up and leaves pieces of shit sprinkled around the set. We call in some Rabbis to exorcise the production. Eventually I find seven pairs of my pants frozen beneath the surface of the reflecting pool.

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April 7, 2009
I dream Richard Schechner organizes a performance festival to be held on the top floor of the Empire State Building. It is my privilege and pleasure to participate. Then, when the show is over, I get a phone call and Richard tells me someone wants to talk to me. I figure, he found one of my old friends who wants to surprise me. It turns out it’s David Letterman calling on the show. I explain to Dave what we’ve been doing at the festival, and I tell him about my mind reading skills. Letterman is gracious and kind.

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February 9, 2009
I dream I am with my father in a magic shop that is about the size of a Home Depot. In the middle of the room there is a performance area in which my Uncle Phil is doing the linking ring trick. As much as I like my Uncle Phil, I am distracted by an aisle filled with salt shakers and gimmicks. I search for the right shaker and gimmick, but I can’t find exactly what I am looking for. Later on, I am in another aisle of little magic boxes with brass fittings. Richard Kaufman, editor of Genii Magazine, is there to go over some obscure issues.

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June 25, 2008
I dream I am in a department store where Oprah Winfrey sees me perform some magic. She thinks I’m good and I immediately go to Chicago to be on her show. Once I get there, I drag Michael Jeffrey Cohen’s folder of Improv Olympic history through the dank subterranean swimming pool in which Chicago improvisers meet. I don’t talk to anybody, and I question my own motivations for being there. When I try to get out of the place, I have to climb up and find my way through a wrought iron sewer gate. I find Michael’s folder burdensome. Mary wonders why I don’t just ditch it. Magician Bob Sheets is looking for a spot card.

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January 6, 2010
I dream I am trying to park near a viewing.  There are no parking spaces, so I go instead to the simulcast at the local racino. As I watch on video the throngs of people walking by the casket, I sob uncontrollably. I start to play a slot machine, but an attendant removes my chair. I say “If you remove the chair, I’ll remove my money.” He removes the chair anyway. I cash out, but instead of my money a bunch of oddly shaped cookies pours out. I look for a place to cash in my cookies and I wind up in the kiddie area where a family sings songs from Evita in four part harmony.

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December 24, 2009
I dream I am in a hospital to participate in a study of human arousal. Before I am to begin looking through magazines with provocative images, I wander the hallway and run into my friend, Bob. He informs me that he is visiting Sylvia Fine, wife of actor Danny Kaye. I am baffled as to how Bob knows Sylvia Fine and how he happens to know she’s in this hospital. Bob explains to me that it takes a little effort to find these things out but I could learn to do it. I point out that not only can’t I keep informed about Sylvia Fine’s whereabouts, but I can’t remember to wear pants. Indeed, I am walking the hallway with no pants on.

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October 30, 2009
I dream I am waiting for a party to begin and I am sitting on the curb outside practicing a magic trick in which four popcorn kernels magically leave my left hand and reappear in my right. A young tough comes by and ridicules and insults me. I don’t like the ridicule and insult, but I am more upset that he does not want to see this beautiful magic trick. I try to explain this, but he insults me more and throws my popcorn kernels and punches me. I am concerned for my well-being, but I am still upset about the magic trick.

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December 3, 2009
I dream I am a student at a school.  I am not one of the cool kids, but everyone seems to accept me. My writing class is taught by an earnest young man who drives us to and fro in a van. One day, he asks to see my notebook. I hand it over and say “I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize you were going to ask people to show this to you.” He seems surprised and upset that anyone would object to that. There is no problem, though, because I have nothing to hide.

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November 12, 2009
I dream I am preparing for my wedding and I must make chocolates the way Jacques Pepin made them on his television show. I excuse myself to “do something,” but I don’t want anyone to know exactly what for fear I will be ridiculed. I go to the store to purchase expensive chocolate plus nuts, cornflakes, and other things to immerse. I am late for the store van, and there is hardly enough room for me. I have to climb over rows of tiny people to get to one seat in the back.

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April 10, 2009
I dream Gail and I visit a cross between the Sands Casino in Atlantic City and a video arcade from the 1970’s. I enjoy playing a long-neglected game and discover that the coin return slot is packed. I pull out many coins and an equal number of old tissues and cigarette butts. It’s disgusting, but I feel that this is the only way to win in these places. Gail is appalled that I was willing to do this messy stuff, and when I go home I see that I have a thick tuft of hair coming out of my urethra. Gail is disgusted. I pull the hair out in a big clump.

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November 7, 2009
I dream a salesman in a men’s store informs me that I am dressing incorrectly and if I only bought the right suit I would look sensational. He hands me a suit to try on and it does not look as if it would fit me. I squeeze into it, however, and while it feels funny I look in the mirror and I am fabulous. I comb out my scraggly hair as well and it turns out to be shoulder length and silky. I look wonderful and feel positive about myself.

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November 20, 2009
I dream I am living in a dorm with my roommate, Eric. Our room is a mess and there are several loose pretzels on his bed. Eric is inspired and suggests that we enhance our web site with snack-related features. I leave the room with my suitcase and stumble into a “happening” performed by students dressed as doctors. I am wearing my C-PAP mask and chin strap, so I look like a mummy. I try to sit in the bleachers, but the folks dressed as doctors insist I participate.

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November 7, 2009
I dream I am on a nature trip with some of my colleagues. Diane shows me a clearing in the forest with a luxurious bedroom setup. She informs me that this is the new thing-elegant bedrooms in the midst of nature-and there is no charge to use them. If you come upon these places and you are tired you are supposed to just climb into bed. I wonder why they aren’t all already in use, but she informs me that they are not easy to find. I start looking for another one and wind up crawling for miles in the dark.

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September 25, 2009
I dream I am at a cross between a deserted mall and Six Flags. Bob and I want to ride one of the older gravity rides. We walk up flights of stairs and finally start to climb up tandem ladders inside a chute. Then when we run out of rungs, we intuit that we are to simply fall backwards. We do, and find that the anti-gravity properties of the chute work beautifully. We flutter down gracefully and gain momentum as we splash safely into the pool.

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November 1, 2009
I dream I have won a tiny fish at a carnival, and I keep him alive in a drinking glass by feeding him the crumbs of a saltine cracker. After various scrapes with death, the fish winds up in a tank in my kitchen, but I don’t know how the tank got there. Furthermore, it seems as if this fish had a baby fish. Then, when I wake up a subsequent morning, there is a huge tank with two enormous fish, two small fish, plus a large octopus. It becomes clear later that the octopus is really a guy who admonishes me for not taking care of my fish.

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June 18, 2009
I dream I am in the bathroom ready to leave for a trip to a nearby amusement park/carnival. In the bathroom, with a great deal of self-importance, I recite some of the final lines from Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie: “These days, the world is lit by lightning.” I repeat the line several times with increasing gravity. When I go out to the car, I notice that a neighbor who had been half buried in dirt pulls himself out, dazed. He is fully clothed but his penis is hanging out of his pants.

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October 9, 2009
I dream Dan Rather is working on a report in which he evaluates coffee and bananas. There is a dog who rates bananas at the Fred Siegel Rest Stop, which is located in Bucks County, PA, about an hour outside of New York. This rest stop is dedicated to “The Psychiatrists,” and the dog evaluates four bananas and one banana soup. Rather explains that the dog is a connoisseur, and has extensive knowledge of bananas.

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August 22, 2009
I dream I am attending a party at KennyB’s house. Karen wants to sing “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” with me, but I don’t know the words. She has a copy of the lyrics, but she refuses to let me see it. In frustration, I take a bath in the kitchen tub. I shampoo my hair and everything, but when I get out of the tub I realize I am still wearing my underwear and, furthermore, I am not wet. I overhear interesting and sensational talk between KennyB and his roommates.

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July 17, 2009
I dream I’m on the way to my apartment in New York and a small group of elderly Jewish people are stopped on the street. They see me going up to the door of my building and ask if they can come in to use the bathroom. I check with Gail and she agrees to let them in. When they get into my apartment they make themselves at home. In fact, they start cooking and eating and hanging around and playing the soundtrack of the movie The Producers. I’m a little put off. Then, people start arriving for a show, a series of comic pantomimes performed in my apartment. Elderly Jews enjoy comedy.

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September 27, 2009
I dream I am visiting Paris with Gail and we wind up in the famous strip joint/variety venue, The Crazy Horse. I am hoping there is a magician performing there, and Gail speaks just enough French to determine that the current show has an 80 second magic act. There is not enough magic to justify the admission price, so we go to the race track instead. We purchase tickets, but we are turned away because our tickets are exploitative. The price is too high and there are various discounts that we don’t know about. While we try to sort this out, some poor fellow is shown committing adultery on the Jumbotron.

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August 24, 2009
I dream I am becoming aroused at an affair at a synagogue. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and when I look at my genitals I see that they are not mine. When I return to the party everyone is gone and there is no clue to where everyone went. I drive to Roosevelt Mall to look for the party, but I have no luck. [Read more →]

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June 2, 2009
I dream Gail and I are on our last night in Vegas but, unfortunately, we have to spend it at an art conference. I fulfill my obligation by commenting on the giant bird suit of a friend of mine, but Gail feels we have to spend the rest of the night seeing and being seen. We are in a giant art cafeteria and there is no place to sit down. I am depressed that we have to leave and this is how we spend our last night. [Read more →]

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November 10, 2008
I dream I am living with my father and my sister and it’s a school day. Seinfeld is on TV and it is a so-called “special episode” on which George’s mother dies of cancer. I am watching the last few minutes of the show on which Jerry and George are breaking the fourth wall and talking to the home viewers somewhat apologetically about having this kind of show. In the meantime, I want to get to school but my sister refuses to drive me. [Read more →]

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August 3, 2009
I dream I am attending a magic camp that is held in a studio/firehouse. Fabulous magician Andrew Goldenhirsh is performing at the side of the room where it is hard to see him. His final trick involves moving bits of paper around the surface of a television screen so as to make images appear more lifelike. I am asked to perform as well, but I am hesitant to follow Goldenhirsh. As I list the tricks I plan to perform my father gets upset. He notices that the tricks are all about death. I point out, “Yes, if you saw people in half, it’s about death. If you swallow needles, it’s about death. A lot of magic is about death.” This realization causes my father to sob.

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July 15, 2009
I dream I am at the refuse-filled compound of a junk cult. I load up a wheel barrow/scooter so that Abby and Tina and I can escape. We peddle away through several Long Island strip malls and finally check in to a motel. Sadly, when I look out the window I see that a group of our fellow cultists has followed us.  They have a lot of crap with them. I can’t let them know of my intention to escape the junk cult, so I invite them to a junk party in the motel room.

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August 7, 2009
I dream that I see in the mirror a lump the size of a cheeseburger on my left jowl. I tell Gail I must go to the hospital immediately because there is something wrong with my face. Gail says, “There is nothing wrong with your face.” I say, “Look at my ear.” My ear is diminished in size and hanging lower than usual.

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