10. Prelude to a Hangover
9. Fumbling With A Bra Strap
8. The Popular Kids Are Just Better
7. Never Give Up Grope!
6. Not Even McDonald’s is Hiring
5. Almost Legal
4. This Limo Rental Cost More Than My Car
3. Getting Faced!
2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder
1. A Gulf Coast Sludgefest
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Earlier this week, I observed the birthday of Sir Edward William Elgar, 1st Baronet, OM, GCVO and Master of the King’s Musick, born on June 2, 1857. I noted that his birthday coincides with that time of year when one of his works, Pomp and Circumstance March #1 (”Land of Hope and Glory”) is heard so much, in so many places.
[Read more →]
10. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy.”
9. His speech begins, “Hello, I’m Glenn Beck…”
8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes.
7. He’s Obama, just not the Obama.
6. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.
5. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!”
4. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months.
3. First name: Kate. Last name: Gosselin.
2. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and pointing finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by Mr. Hand.
1. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You answered every question on your History final with, “Hey, I wasn’t even alive then!”
9. You’ve been in the eighth grade since the Clinton Administration.
8. Your term paper in music class compared the vocal stylings of Lady Gaga and Alvin and the Chipmunks.
7. Because of new carpeting, you’ve worn all the hair off your knuckles.
6. The only word you learned in Spanish class was “No.”
5. When you tried to sell your textbooks, you were told you might want to hang onto them for a bit longer.
4. On your Geography final, you said the English Channel was the BBC.
3. That stuff you cooked up in Chemistry class attracted six busloads of DEA agents.
2. Your combined score on the SAT: 4.
1. Your teacher suggests you could use that ten bucks for better things than a cap and gown rental.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Justin Bieber, did your parents take you out of school too early? I mean, I know it’s important to be a superstar to tween girls, and maybe your family needed the money, but really, aren’t there mandates about hiring a tutor or something? Seriously — this is why people from other countries (particularly my friends on the other side of the Atlantic) say Americans are stupid. At first I thought it was a problem with the accent, or maybe he misunderstood the question… but no… I think he’s never heard the word “German” before. See for yourself!
… than the way students at our Early College High School were passing time and pursuing studies, yesterday on the Midland College campus - reclining on the grass, in the shade of trees, reading one of the great works of American literature. [Read more →]
I am currently digging Chocolate Cheerios. In the 1980’s, when crack cocaine was tearing apart our nation’s inner cities, Coco Puffs were having a similar effect on the O’Connor household. They became a banned substance after my mom caught my siblings and I doing lines of the stuff you found on the bottom of the cereal bag that we called ”Coco Dust.” After rehab — we were confined to boring, healthy cereals like Kix, Rice Krispies, and Chex. But now I’m an adult (kind of) — I have a mortgage, I pay bills, and I do the shopping. And I can buy Chocalate Cheerios — which are allegedly sort of good for you (at least that’s what I keep telling my girlfriend). They are delicious and I just hope my mom doesn’t catch me relapsing on my Coco Dust addiction. [Read more →]
Learning is important. Without knowing her ABCs, Joshua Tabor’s 4-year-old daughter doesn’t have much of a chance to get ahead in life. Or learn how to spell. So why aren’t people commending Tabor’s efforts to stress the importance of education in his home? It could be because he and his girlfriend held his daughter’s head under water when she refused to say her ABCs. [Read more →]
The AP has a story today about a kid in Louisiana who was sent home from school for wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey.
A Louisiana high school student says he was sent home for wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey Friday — the day the principal encouraged students to wear New Orleans Saints black and gold as the teams get ready to face off in the Super Bowl.
My headline is a more accurate representation of the information about President Obama’s plans to overhaul No Child Left Behind, as presented in the New York Times.
Hat tip to the Mighty Red Pen for this gem: in California, the Menifee Union School District has removed Merriam-Webster’s 10th-edition dictionary from elementary school shelves because it has an entry for “oral sex.”
If I was to write a dictionary, now I know just what I’d put next to my entry for “futility.”
Here’s Slate’s review of Louis Menand’s new book about higher learning, which concludes with a note on the vaunted lefty politics of American academics:
In the 2004 election, he notes, 95 percent of humanities and social-science professors voted for Kerry; zero percent voted for Bush.
Oh, goody. It’s the old chestnut about the political uniformity of the academy.
When I was an undergraduate, back in the 1950s*, professors had office hours. There were maybe 3 or 4 hours a week we knew the professor would be in his or her office and we could stop by to talk about course content or an upcoming assignment. We had the phone number of the office and could call during those office hours if we had a quick question. Professors also were available by appointment if we had a class that conflicted with their office hours. But basically, aside from seeing them during class time and the option of seeing them during their office hours — hours that they set — we didn’t have contact with them. They didn’t generally provide their home phone numbers. If we had a question at night or over the weekend, we lived with it. [Read more →]
I received the below e-mail today. I guess it was sent to some mass list of faculty members:
All faculty at [Name of university] are entitled to a complimentary subscription of the New York Times delivered to their home when the New York Times is listed in their syllabus as required reading. If 15 or more students subscribe, you will also receive a handsome portfolio as a free gift.
Help your students make discoveries every day in topics ranging from social trends and new technology to politics and the economy inside the nation’s most honored newspaper. [Read more →]
10. All your professors also work in the cafeteria.
9. Its Latin motto is actually written in Pig Latin.
8. All of the library books have already been colored in.
7. It boasts “a graduation rate higher than most District of Columbia high schools.”
6. The student center has an onsite bail bondsman.
5. All the dissecting in biology class is done on roadkill.
4. Its most notable alumnus is Howie Mandell.
3. In the Jeopardy College Championship, it lost to Hamburger U.
2. The dean giggles every time he hears the work ‘matriculate’.
1. Instead of the S.A.T., you just have to pass a urine test.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
FIRE is an organization that defends free speech rights on college campuses. Here, Dave Barry talks about free speech, or the lack thereof, at universities.
10. “Okay, I get the top bunk and the bottom bunk!”
9. “What’s it worth to you for me to keep my clothes on?”
8. “You got any underwear you don’t need?”
7. “Seriously, My Silent But Deadlies have been known to peel paint off the walls.”
6. “Which of the Jonas Bothers do you think is the cutest?”
5. “I bet I’m bigger than you are!”
4. “What do you mean you can still see me? I’m wearing my cloak of invisibility!”
3. “I have a surprise for you. It’s in my trouser pocket.”
2. “I have a tendency to walk in my sleep and do this ‘stabby’ thing.”
1. “Care to tuck me in?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
It’s that time of year again, when college instructors not rendered comatose from summer-semester-teaching-despair begin to finalize their syllabi and plan their fall lessons. Much like religious leaders on any retreat, or shall we say “pilgrimage,” it is essential that the non-feathered creature in charge start things off with a bang. With that in mind, we give you the top ten ways to begin any fall class: [Read more →]
Now that the moms of the world are in back-to-school mode, I’ve been thinking about my son’s education. As he turns one, I’ve discovered a sad truth. We aren’t getting into Harvard. And by “we” I mean his dad and I, because now that we are parents, we’ve forgotten about our own miserable lives and only live vicariously through him. Isn’t that what all parents do? [Read more →]
The school year is approaching, and teachers around the nation are trying not to think too much about tweaking our courses for the next go-round. Most of us have been blowing it off for months and we really have to give it some thought here in early August. Part of my current focus is inspired by an article printed in the Washington Post this past February. Jay Matthews wrote on the age old educators’ debate of breadth vs depth:
The debate goes like this: Should they focus on a few topics so students have time to absorb and comprehend the inner workings of the subject? Or should they cover every topic so students get a sense of the whole and can later pursue those parts that interest them most?
The truth, of course, is that students need both. Teachers try to mix the two in ways that make sense to them and their students. But a surprising study — certain to be a hot topic in teacher lounges and education schools — is providing new data that suggest educators should spend much more time on a few issues and let some topics slide. [Read more →]
If you’ve noticed something missing in your life in the last two weeks, I have to tell you, it’s been me. As an almost college graduate, I’ve had a lot of things to do over the past few weeks (worrying, reminiscing, drinking) which have precluded doing whatever it is I do here every Thursday. Thankfully I’ve been able to take a break from those things for a moment and check in over here. I have to say, though, my mind is still on graduating. As a young girl wise beyond her years, I feel like I should let other college graduates in on a little of the advice (my own) I’ll be following once I take off the cap and gown and enter the world of money and fame. Unfortunately, my crippling anxiety has kept me from making any friends over the past few years, so I have no outlet but this.
10. On your Chemistry final, you answered every question with “Do I look like a rocket scientist?!”
9. Your nickname is “Glue-Sniffin’ Gus.”
8. On your Civics final, you kept spelling it “Cervix.”
7. Your final paper in Music class was entitled “Why the Jonas Brothers Are the New Mozart”
6. Nobody believes that the pot they found in your locker was planted there as part of a “right-wing conspiracy.”
5. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Be Unable to Distinguish between His Ass and a Hole in the Ground.’
4. You were caught out on the football field, sticking a suppository into a hole in the ground.
3. On your Literature final, you said Moby Dick was an STD.
2. You’ve been in the seventh grade since the Carter Administration.
1. On your essay “How I Plan to Spend My Summer Vacation,” your teacher wrote “Think again.”
As I watched the news this morning — between segments on the best spray tan for the summer and how angry Republicans are that Obama actually wants to talk to other countries and not just bomb them — I realized something: today is the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Here’s a link to my piece in The Chronicle of Higher Education on the legacy of Tiananmen Square. Long story short: China’s government has rewritten history and bribed its people with economic prosperity, to the point of complacency over ‘political matters.’ But they cannot erase history if we do not allow it.
10. He leaves early so he can catch the new Star Trek movie – again
9. When he rented his tux, he couldn’t afford the pants
8. He keeps calling you “Mommy”
7. The “corsage” he brings you has a sash across it reading “Rest In Peace”
6. He keeps saying, “Who’d a thunk?! Me! At a prom!!”
5. He can’t stop talking about Hannah Montana
4. He says his parents expect him home by 9:30
3. He’s pinned a carnation to his chest, and he’s not wearing a jacket or shirt
2. When he takes you to McDonald’s afterwards, before you order he whispers, “Remember, I ain’t Mr. Moneybags!”
1. He shows up wearing the same dress
10. Enchantment Under the Bleachers
9. An Evening to Forget
8. Crepe Paper, Bunting, And That Gym Sock Smell!
7. Save the Last Dance for Your Hot Friend
6. Dry Hump Dreams
5. Goodbye Textbooks! Hello Minimum Wage!
4. Herpes-palooza!
3. Moon Over Abu Ghraib
2. A Midsummer’s Night Grope
1. Memories to Last a Nighttime
10. He’s wearing a disabled electronic ankle bracelet
9. The title of his talk: “Your Future at Hamburger U.”
8. His entire speech is in the dits and dahs of Morse Code
7. His speech is half over, and he’s already mentioned Scientology 63 times
6. First name: Rod. Last name: Blagojevich.
5. After introducing his imaginary friend Pedro, he sits by while Pedro delivers a 90-minute address
4. You recognize him from when he sold you a Slurpee last night at your local 7-Eleven
3. He keeps referring to Barack Obama as the “leader of the Great Satan”
2. His ultimate uplifting message: “If life hands you shit, make shit sandwiches”
1. He spends two hours talking about the superiority of Amway products
Wednesday, May 6, 2009, is Hump Day for our national Teacher Appreciation Week, a week we appreciate only on weekdays — May 4 to May 8 — according to the Yahoo note which informed me of such week last night.
So I arose this morning not with the alacrity, wit, and wide smile of some of my favorite educators; rather, I experienced an acute anxiety attack as I understood I had not yet done enough to appreciate teachers this week. [Read more →]
Two years ago, on April 16, 2007, Virginia Tech was the scene of a heinous shooting rampage. Soon after, I wrote the below essay, which was published as the cover story in Liberty magazine in July 2007. [Read more →]
As a college professor I believe that most students are hard working and honest, but invariably there are those who are not. My official policy is as follows: If I catch you cheating, you fail the course, not just the assignment. Harsh? Yes. Unfair? No. [Read more →]
Chesterfield County, Virginia, is facing some tough times. While that hardly makes the area unique, it is of particular interest because the school district is facing a massive $52 million shortfall and is looking to cut over 300 positions from the public schools.
The district comprises 38 elementary schools, 14 middle schools, 11 high schools, and a technical center. If the cuts were distributed evenly, it would come out to nearly 5 positions per school. And in government work, seniority and tenure mean a lot, so the newest teachers are the ones who will most likely be on the streets.
A recent letter to the Editor of the Chesterfield Observer suggests it be done differently: [Read more →]
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