By now, this article has been completely ripped apart, picked apart, debated, agreed with and utterly denounced. At this point I’ve read “All Joy And No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting,” and I have to say — what a total piece of shit.

I don’t know anything about the writer and to be honest I made no attempt at learning a thing about her because I wouldn’t waste my time.

Listen — you don’t want to have kids? More power to you. But those of you who go out there, get married and have kids — and then blame all of your problems on the fact that you had kids — are total assholes. You’re selfish, ego-maniacal douchebags. And deep down, I think you know it. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, trusted media & news
5 Comments »

A lot of my friends have been complaining to me about their husbands lately. The stories all sort of blur together and it seems as though most of them (the husbands in question) do the same dumb shit. Now — we all know I don’t have a husband. And for those of you who didn’t know that bit of information – now you do. So you may wonder what qualifies me to even create such a top ten. It’s simple — for all intents and purposes, I am a wife and I have a wife — I’m the perfect person for the job. [Read more →]

Tags: advice, family & parenting, going parental
9 Comments »

A 27-year-old woman pregnant with her fifth child walks into a Catholic hospital on the verge of death. At 11 weeks into her pregnancy she is told that the baby must be aborted or they will both surely die. The hospital administrator, a nun, is forced to make a fast and life-changing decision. She allows the abortion to take place in order to save the mother’s life. When Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted caught wind of what had happened, he declared that she was instantly excommunicated, claiming “you can’t do evil, to bring about good.”

I’m having a hard time focusing on which part of this story bothers me the most. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that at 27, this woman is pregnant with her fifth child, or that the nun who OK’d the medical procedure to save the woman’s life was excommunicated from the church — instantly — while it is a known fact that not a single priest credibly accused of molesting children has ever been excommunicated. Her actions saved a woman’s life — a mother of four. While the accused Priests’ actions have destroyed thousands.

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, religion & philosophy
No Comments »

This has potential to be a touchy subject. Anyone out there with a kid or a pet is guilty of over-texting photos of said children to friends and family. I do not purport to be innocent of this heinous and irritating crime. I do, however, try to capture moments that are funny or extraordinarily cute if it’s an image I plan to send. Here’s an example of what I consider text-worthy:

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, technology
6 Comments »

Larry Greene, a NYC man, was arraigned this past Wednesday on a second-degree murder charge after fatally punching his 7-month-old son. SEVEN. MONTHS. OLD. “Toughen up!” That’s what he yelled as he struck this tiny, crying, helpless child. He could face 25 years to life in prison if convicted. If convicted? He admitted to doing it. And do you know why he said he did it? According to The Inquisitr he (allegedly) told investigators that “he was jealous because the infant was more attached to the mother than to him.” Raise your hand if you have deep-seeded mommy issues! Come on, Larry. Let’s see that hand you sick bastard. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
3 Comments »

I have a few very close friends that are pregnant right now. They are all actually due very soon; one in a few weeks, one in a month and another at the end of the Summer. I’m totally envious of them — not like jealous envious — just excited and overwhelmed for them and what they’re about to experience. I loved being pregnant. I know it’s hard for some people to believe, but despite the fact that I’m a foul mouthed, relatively too-cool-to-be-emotional kind of girl, I was completely in awe of the fact that a baby was growing inside of my body. I was a full blown Gaylord when it came to my pregnancy. I even made myself sick. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

I’ve mentioned Lenore Skenazy once or twice before in my column. She’s an author, a columnist, a blogger and a mom who let her kid ride the subway by himself at the age of 9. Quick! Everybody gasp in horror. Her website Free-Range Kids is a must read/browse/love/hate – whatever – if you’re a parent, you have to check it out. Parents today are so afraid of losing their children at the park, the mall, whatever — that they’ve taken to literally attaching tracking devices to their children’s feet. Sensational Beginnings even makes it look cute and fuzzy so the kids will go for it.

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
3 Comments »

Yup. You read it correctly. Some wasted asshole actually put his baby in an oven and left him there overnight. Talk about giving new meaning to the phrase “bun in the oven.” Congratulations, Larry Long — you are officially our daddy douche of the week. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, on the law
1 Comment »

As you’re sitting in your office/cubicle right now, I am in Orlando, Florida — traipsing around Disney World trying to find Ariel in her stupid Grotto. What the hell is a Grotto, anyway? I had to google that shit so when I actually arrived on the “Disney Campus,” I sounded like I knew what I was talking about when I asked where to find that red-headed bimbo. I actually Wikipedia’d that shit so a bunch of wanna-be actors in costumes with over-sized craniums wouldn’t think that I  was an idiot. So sad.

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, travel & foreign lands
8 Comments »

Is it me, or were snow days way more fun when we were kids? Now? Not so much.

I remember being a kid, growing up in Rockland County, NY — ya know, the place that gets all the snow the city hears about. We averaged 6 inches every time it snowed, at least — and that was nothing. I remember waking up at 6 in the morning on snow days — earlier than I ever  woke up, including these days — just to turn on RKO radio — the AM station every kid gathered around the radio to listen to, fingers crossed, praying to hear their school’s name called out during the list of cancellations. Man, those were the days. Nothing beat a snow day… as a kid. As a parent? Fuck. That. Shit. [Read more →]

Tags: environment & nature, family & parenting, going parental
4 Comments »

I generally tend to go off in my blogs. I love picking on parents, their kids and all the stupid things they do both together and on their own. I guess I just have a knack for being obnoxious and judgmental — even though ironically, up until I had a kid, I didn’t think I was remotely judgmental. Now? Pshht. I totally am. It’s impossible not to be when it comes to parenting. It’s like the minute you squeeze out that kid, you start looking around at other people and their kids and think to yourself, “I can’t believe that mother is letting her son stand on top of the monkey bars. What a reckless moron.” It just happens. Just like your boobs become all engorged with milk whether you’re going to breast feed or not — the minute you have a kid, you instantly start thinking everyone else around you is doing something wrong. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
5 Comments »

Apparently, early childhood testing is becoming more and more common. This article in New York Magazine is a must read for anyone with children. Whether you plan on enrolling your kids in private school or not, it’s an incredibly insightful and interesting look inside the world of testing children at a young age and the implications of allowing those tests to further determine the future of these kids. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

What? That’s not normal? Apparently, to Lynn Middlebrooks Geter, it is. She forced her son to kill his hamster as punishment for receiving poor grades in school. What happened to time outs? Or no Play Station for a week? Kill your hamster? Really? I wonder at what point Lynn’s head imploded and she thought to herself, “I know. I’ll make the little bastard kill his hamster with a hammer. That’ll teach him to fail social studies!” [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
9 Comments »

What kind of a parent does their kids’ homework for them? Like, actually does it for them, not helps. It seems to be an ongoing struggle for parents these days. I read an interesting piece by Sue Shellenbarger on The Juggle last week. I guess it’s kind of like this whole Keeping Up with the Steins mentality. Parents want their children to succeed, and heaven forbid they aren’t holding their own against their peers. So one parent starts and another gets wind of it and before you know it, you’ve got a bunch of 40-year-olds sitting at the kitchen table with rubber cement, a shoe box, modeling clay and construction paper — while their kids are in the den playing Grand Theft Auto on PS3. Yeah. That’ll get ‘em into college. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
5 Comments »

Up until a few weeks ago we had a Safety 1st Grip ‘n Twist Door Knob Cover on my 3-year-old’s doorknob so she couldn’t get out of her room at night. For me, it was the fear of her roaming around our apartment in the middle of the night and hurting herself, opening the front door, finding her way to the knife drawer — normal things we parents worry about — that led me to put it on her door. Once we put her in a bed, the thought of her having free rein in our apartment caused me complete anxiety. I’m Jewish, what do you want from me? [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
13 Comments »

I wrote a blog last year that centered around growing up as a Jewish kid during Christmas and how to now handle my daughter during this time of year. You can read it here. I used to think it was pretty funny; I kept it light and to the point. But now I don’t think it’s that funny. I’ve been finding people’s assumption that saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone is totally normal and acceptable to be pretty fucking presumptuous and rude. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
7 Comments »

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old. Although you would never know it now, she was a late talker. By late, of course, I mean that at 1 1/2 she was only saying a few words, ya know the way most 1 1/2-year-olds are. My girlfriend works for the Early Intervention program so when she saw my daughter having fits and struggling to express herself, she immediately had her evaluated for speech therapy, which she qualified for.  To not have her evaluated would have been like a dentist letting his teenage son walk around with an overbite and a snaggle-tooth. There’s nothing to talk about. You slap braces on that kid’s ugly mouth. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
8 Comments »

I apologize for my absence these past couple of weeks. I vow here and now to be present and accounted for every Thursday, from this day forth. No more random, unexplained disappearances. I’ve experienced too many of those this week, and so in my own small way I’ve decided to show up. Every Thursday, as previously promised, I will be here. I will show up.

I want so badly to be able to bitch and moan about some mindless act of parenting that makes me mental and irate in order to garner laughter and prove my innate ability to turn everything into a joke. But I am struggling in a way that is unfamiliar to me. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

I recently wrote a post about my three-year-old daughter and her new found love of torturing me. She’s a smart, sassy little girl with an attitude that, at times, stops me in my tracks. It’s hard to fault her for something she most likely inherited from me. Plus, she’s ridiculously funny — like she gets-the-joke kind of funny. But lately, the cute and funny part of her is taking a backseat to a whining, screaming child — and the cause of these outbursts? Getting dressed. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

Indeed she does. Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present Totally Stylin Tattoo Barbie! Thanks Mattel. My three-year-old definitely needs this toy. It’s an awesome idea  — giving her ways to express herself creatively via mock-mutilating herself and Barbie? Genius. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

The reality show Survivor has a great little tag line, “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.” The person who is able to accomplish all three of these things at the end of the show wins a million dollars. Pretty awesome, right? My three-year-old daughter would kick ass in that game. They’d never see her coming. I imagine it would go a little something like this:

“Ohhh look at that gorgeous little girl with the blond hair and big eyes. What a sweet smile you have. Aren’t you just the cutest little thing?! Hey wait a minute, how the hell did I end up on the floor — hogtied, with you standing on my back pumping your fists in victory? What just happened?!”

I’ll tell ya how. She just outwitted, outplayed and outlasted your ass. Welcome to my world. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

I’m not going to sit here and reiterate the blog I wrote back in July about kids watching TV, specifically Noggin, which for the record is no longer Noggin. Now it’s Nick Jr., for real. What the hell? They can just drop the name of a network overnight? A little warning would have been nice. I nearly had a panic attack searching for Noggin on September 28, 2009 — a Monday, no less. Like I don’t have enough problems on Monday morning, now I had to deal with this shit? Not a very nice way to start the week. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

My girlfriend (partner, wife, etc.) and I have been together for seven years. We have a three-year-old daughter that was conceived using an anonymous donor through a cryobank. She is a happy, well adjusted kid who attends pre-school on a daily basis. The children in her class happen to be absolute sweethearts and we have been very lucky thus far with the reaction we received from her teachers and the parents of her classmates when they found out we were a two-mom house. Not a single person seemed phased. Living in NY affords us that luxury. I mean, it’s New York. We’ve got Broadway and Chelsea — two of the gayest places on the planet. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
14 Comments »

This is for real. This actually happened. A woman adopted a little boy, and then terminated the adoption after 18 months, claiming she couldn’t bond with the child. Seriously? That’s even allowed? [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

I’ve been taking photos of my daughter non-stop since the moment she was born. I have always loved photography and I happen to have a pretty cute kid that loves the camera.  Her first bath is on video, as well as captured by still photographs. Who knew that what I was doing could have led to her being taken away from me? [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
18 Comments »

This is the second time I’ve read about a stranger hitting someone else’s kid in less than two weeks. What is going on? Maybe too many people are reading my blogs and taking them too seriously. I’m only kidding (sort of) when I say I’ll slap your kids around if you wont parent them or if they hurt my kid.  Apparently Gloria Ballard thought it was fine to spank another woman’s son after the two-year-old baby boy said something that annoyed her.

Is this bitch for real? Lady, you’re lucky this went down in Cincinnati, because if that were my kid, your ass would be in the hospital, not jail. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
7 Comments »

I received a ton of feedback on last week’s blog about music, your car and your kids. As a result, I thought I’d approach the topic from a different perspective. I am all about exposing my daughter to all kinds of music. I think music is instrumental in a child’s development. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
12 Comments »

Music has always been a very big part of my life. I grew up in a house where music was on in every room. Standards like The Beatles, The Bee Gees, The Carpenters, Simon and Garfunkel, and yeah there was some Neil Diamond in the mix too were a part of our daily routine. I’m not gonna lie, I knew all the words to America. Go ahead and laugh. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
8 Comments »

OK. I’m back. Crude, obnoxious, hating you, your kids and the way you parent. Happy? Fantastic. Clearly you weren’t digging my serious blog last week as I only received two comments. TWO comments. That’s a record low for me. Pathetic. Just goes to show you guys don’t want to hear about the ugly scary truths of life, but rather the senseless judgemental rants I have to offer. I am here to happily oblige. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
17 Comments »

This week I’ve put my scheduled column aside and have decided to write about the crash on the Taconic State Parkway. I’ll give a very brief synopsis as I’m sure most of you know by now. A woman went the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway in New York while driving a mini-van full of young kids (two kids of her own and three nieces) and crashed into another car carrying three people. Everyone died except the woman’s son, who was hospitalized. Turns out she had a belly full of alcohol and was stoned. They’re calling it Westchester’s worst accident in 75 years. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
3 Comments »