As you’re sitting in your office/cubicle right now, I am in Orlando, Florida — traipsing around Disney World trying to find Ariel in her stupid Grotto. What the hell is a Grotto, anyway? I had to google that shit so when I actually arrived on the “Disney Campus,” I sounded like I knew what I was talking about when I asked where to find that red-headed bimbo. I actually Wikipedia’d that shit so a bunch of wanna-be actors in costumes with over-sized craniums wouldn’t think that I  was an idiot. So sad.

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental, travel & foreign lands
8 Comments »

Is it me, or were snow days way more fun when we were kids? Now? Not so much.

I remember being a kid, growing up in Rockland County, NY — ya know, the place that gets all the snow the city hears about. We averaged 6 inches every time it snowed, at least — and that was nothing. I remember waking up at 6 in the morning on snow days — earlier than I ever  woke up, including these days — just to turn on RKO radio — the AM station every kid gathered around the radio to listen to, fingers crossed, praying to hear their school’s name called out during the list of cancellations. Man, those were the days. Nothing beat a snow day… as a kid. As a parent? Fuck. That. Shit. [Read more →]

Tags: environment & nature, family & parenting, going parental
4 Comments »

The headline from Salon.com reads “Tweeting an abortion: A blogger takes to Twitter and YouTube as she terminates her pregnancy, and women should thank her.”

Now, I’ll be honest.  When I saw that, I had a mental image similar to that of the piece’s author (Tracey Clark-Flory), that of a woman laying there on the rock slab as they fired up the Dust-Buster and started vacuuming out her fallopian tubes.  But it’s not quite “all that and a bag of chips.”

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, health & medical
No Comments »

I understand that children can’t be sheltered forever and that they have to learn how things work in this world… even if those things are, on some level, disturbing. But what is the appropriate way to teach a kid about those things? Is it the way Headmistress, Mrs. Charman, chose to teach her kids where meat comes from? She had her students raise a lamb from birth; taught her kids to care for it, bottle-feed it, love it, and even named it Marcus — and then sent it off to be slaughtered.

[Read more →]

Tags: animals, family & parenting
5 Comments »

I generally tend to go off in my blogs. I love picking on parents, their kids and all the stupid things they do both together and on their own. I guess I just have a knack for being obnoxious and judgmental — even though ironically, up until I had a kid, I didn’t think I was remotely judgmental. Now? Pshht. I totally am. It’s impossible not to be when it comes to parenting. It’s like the minute you squeeze out that kid, you start looking around at other people and their kids and think to yourself, “I can’t believe that mother is letting her son stand on top of the monkey bars. What a reckless moron.” It just happens. Just like your boobs become all engorged with milk whether you’re going to breast feed or not — the minute you have a kid, you instantly start thinking everyone else around you is doing something wrong. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
5 Comments »

Learning is important. Without knowing her ABCs, Joshua Tabor’s 4-year-old daughter doesn’t have much of a chance to get ahead in life. Or learn how to spell. So why aren’t people commending Tabor’s efforts to stress the importance of education in his home? It could be because he and his girlfriend held his daughter’s head under water when she refused to say her ABCs. [Read more →]

Tags: education, family & parenting, on the law
2 Comments »

Apparently, early childhood testing is becoming more and more common. This article in New York Magazine is a must read for anyone with children. Whether you plan on enrolling your kids in private school or not, it’s an incredibly insightful and interesting look inside the world of testing children at a young age and the implications of allowing those tests to further determine the future of these kids. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

What? That’s not normal? Apparently, to Lynn Middlebrooks Geter, it is. She forced her son to kill his hamster as punishment for receiving poor grades in school. What happened to time outs? Or no Play Station for a week? Kill your hamster? Really? I wonder at what point Lynn’s head imploded and she thought to herself, “I know. I’ll make the little bastard kill his hamster with a hammer. That’ll teach him to fail social studies!” [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
9 Comments »

No, I didn’t title this post with the intention of drawing in thousands of innocent readers who typed “lick the pole” into their favorite search engine, but who meant “pole” metaphorically. My apologies. I’m talking about an actual pole. A tall, thin, metal, cylindrical pole planted in the ground. In this case, with a stop sign at the top.

Some kids must have recently seen A Christmas Story, because at my son’s bus stop this morning a boy called out to him, “Lick the pole!” [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, movies
2 Comments »

Sometime later this year the Supreme Court will probably rule, by a narrow margin and on narrow grounds, to uphold Proposition 8, the California law enacted last year that bans gay marriage in the state. It will slow, not end, the inexorable progress of this country toward justice on this issue.  But meanwhile, we have a dilly of a trial going on in San Francisco, Perry v. Schwartzenegger, with David Boies and Theodore Olson, from opposite sides of Bush v. Gore, ganging up against the marriage-is-just-for-boys-and-girls crowd. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, on the law
9 Comments »

What kind of a parent does their kids’ homework for them? Like, actually does it for them, not helps. It seems to be an ongoing struggle for parents these days. I read an interesting piece by Sue Shellenbarger on The Juggle last week. I guess it’s kind of like this whole Keeping Up with the Steins mentality. Parents want their children to succeed, and heaven forbid they aren’t holding their own against their peers. So one parent starts and another gets wind of it and before you know it, you’ve got a bunch of 40-year-olds sitting at the kitchen table with rubber cement, a shoe box, modeling clay and construction paper — while their kids are in the den playing Grand Theft Auto on PS3. Yeah. That’ll get ‘em into college. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
5 Comments »

Up until a few weeks ago we had a Safety 1st Grip ‘n Twist Door Knob Cover on my 3-year-old’s doorknob so she couldn’t get out of her room at night. For me, it was the fear of her roaming around our apartment in the middle of the night and hurting herself, opening the front door, finding her way to the knife drawer — normal things we parents worry about — that led me to put it on her door. Once we put her in a bed, the thought of her having free rein in our apartment caused me complete anxiety. I’m Jewish, what do you want from me? [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
13 Comments »

2010 has just begun, but already we have a contender for parent of the year: Brittany Biers.

A 22-year-old mother is in jail after her 5-year-old daughter was accidentally shot in the foot with a loaded AK-47 found under a sofa.

Huntington Police Sgt. J. Williams says the girl was treated Thursday night and released. He said the girl and her 2-year-old sibling found the military style weapon under the family room sofa.

Silly woman. Everyone knows that you’re supposed to keep your AK-47 under your bed, not the family room sofa.

Tags: family & parenting
2 Comments »

I wrote a blog last year that centered around growing up as a Jewish kid during Christmas and how to now handle my daughter during this time of year. You can read it here. I used to think it was pretty funny; I kept it light and to the point. But now I don’t think it’s that funny. I’ve been finding people’s assumption that saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone is totally normal and acceptable to be pretty fucking presumptuous and rude. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
7 Comments »

Raising a kid can be expensive. There are diapers and formula when they are babies, and as they get older they get pickier about their toys and their clothes (not to mention you still need to feed them!). Plus, maybe there is a certain bike they want or there is a new Wii game that is out. And in this economy, buying any holiday gifts at all may be a difficult expense for some people. Needless to say, I was intrigued when the other day, a friend “invited” me to donate to her daughter Ashtyn’s bike fund through Facebook.  [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, technology
1 Comment »

I’ve been busy basking in the tanning bed glow of my latest television obsession, Jersey Shore on MTV. The brain trust on Jersey Shore is all about alcohol fueled sex, one night stands, and boyfriends who are married. And while I’ve been waiting for poor Snooki to get punched in the face by some a-hole on tonight’s episode, MTV has been quietly airing a show that portrays life far away from the drunken antics in New Jersey. Teen Mom is as sobering as it gets. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, television
No Comments »

I was going to title this “Van Gets a Divorce.” But then I thought that sounded like an ending. I’d rather we were getting round to the beginning. So, let’s get on with things. I feel required to apologize to the three people who read my previous blogs regularly. I am sorry. I will try really hard to avoid a future block-creating crisis in my life that will cause long absences from the computer. Really hard. Really, really hard, for the sake of all four of us. Thanks in advance for not commenting below with any sort of apologies for the current crisis.

I have been separated since the beginning of September (emotionally before physically). [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting
5 Comments »

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old. Although you would never know it now, she was a late talker. By late, of course, I mean that at 1 1/2 she was only saying a few words, ya know the way most 1 1/2-year-olds are. My girlfriend works for the Early Intervention program so when she saw my daughter having fits and struggling to express herself, she immediately had her evaluated for speech therapy, which she qualified for.  To not have her evaluated would have been like a dentist letting his teenage son walk around with an overbite and a snaggle-tooth. There’s nothing to talk about. You slap braces on that kid’s ugly mouth. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
8 Comments »

I apologize for my absence these past couple of weeks. I vow here and now to be present and accounted for every Thursday, from this day forth. No more random, unexplained disappearances. I’ve experienced too many of those this week, and so in my own small way I’ve decided to show up. Every Thursday, as previously promised, I will be here. I will show up.

I want so badly to be able to bitch and moan about some mindless act of parenting that makes me mental and irate in order to garner laughter and prove my innate ability to turn everything into a joke. But I am struggling in a way that is unfamiliar to me. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

Has anybody else gotten the memo going around? The one reminding us to dump buckets of ridicule and disdain on pre-teen girls?

Because, they’re getting kind of big for their britches, you know. Every few years they join forces to bring about these huge cultural phenomena, like Twilight, and before that Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers and Hello Kitty and friendship bracelets and the Disney Channel and Titanic and those one-hit wonders, the Beatles. So, accordingly, they should be universally crushed and stomped, because — as everyone knows — if tweeners like it (read girl tweeners), it must be lame and contemptible. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, movies
3 Comments »

Black Friday officially commences the beginning of the holiday season. In other words, I have to get my ass in gear and start buying presents. Buying gifts for my relatives is no small feat. Almost every holiday that I spend with my in-laws, someone inevitably starts an argument about the quality and thoughtfulness of a gift. I really love my in-laws, but squabbling over presents on Christmas doesn’t exactly put one in the holiday spirit. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, his & hers
No Comments »

I’m sorry about posting this. I really shouldn’t. It isn’t fair to you, my faithful readers. I made the mistake of reading this news story this morning, and I shouldn’t have. It’s fucking disturbing every which way. But it’s in my head now, and if you read it, at least I won’t be the only one hearing the words, over and over, ”No, Daddy, no.” But don’t read it. Just go home after work and hug your kid, maybe pretend for a little while that the world as it is doesn’t exist.

Tags: family & parenting, on the law
2 Comments »

I recently wrote a post about my three-year-old daughter and her new found love of torturing me. She’s a smart, sassy little girl with an attitude that, at times, stops me in my tracks. It’s hard to fault her for something she most likely inherited from me. Plus, she’s ridiculously funny — like she gets-the-joke kind of funny. But lately, the cute and funny part of her is taking a backseat to a whining, screaming child — and the cause of these outbursts? Getting dressed. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

Indeed she does. Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present Totally Stylin Tattoo Barbie! Thanks Mattel. My three-year-old definitely needs this toy. It’s an awesome idea  — giving her ways to express herself creatively via mock-mutilating herself and Barbie? Genius. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

The reality show Survivor has a great little tag line, “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.” The person who is able to accomplish all three of these things at the end of the show wins a million dollars. Pretty awesome, right? My three-year-old daughter would kick ass in that game. They’d never see her coming. I imagine it would go a little something like this:

“Ohhh look at that gorgeous little girl with the blond hair and big eyes. What a sweet smile you have. Aren’t you just the cutest little thing?! Hey wait a minute, how the hell did I end up on the floor — hogtied, with you standing on my back pumping your fists in victory? What just happened?!”

I’ll tell ya how. She just outwitted, outplayed and outlasted your ass. Welcome to my world. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
6 Comments »

I love Halloween. In fact, I think I may have more fun getting dressed up than my kids. And since Halloween is on a Saturday this year we’ve decided to head down from New York to the suburbs of Philadelphia, so my kids can trick-or-treat with their 7-year-old cousin. My daughter is going as a rock star, my son is going as a T-Rex, my nephew is going as a ninja, and I thought I would go as a New York Yankee. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, sports
6 Comments »

I don’t know why the Heene family had a balloon large enough to float people high up in the air tied to their house. I guess there are people who actually own hot air balloons. Who knew? I always just assumed you went to big fields and rented a ride when proposing to a girlfriend or something. But when a kid possibly floats away, maybe it’s time to reevaluate a balloon’s usefulness around the house!  [Read more →]

Tags: ends & odd, family & parenting
1 Comment »

I’m not going to sit here and reiterate the blog I wrote back in July about kids watching TV, specifically Noggin, which for the record is no longer Noggin. Now it’s Nick Jr., for real. What the hell? They can just drop the name of a network overnight? A little warning would have been nice. I nearly had a panic attack searching for Noggin on September 28, 2009 — a Monday, no less. Like I don’t have enough problems on Monday morning, now I had to deal with this shit? Not a very nice way to start the week. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, going parental
2 Comments »

At least 60% of Americans have a Vitamin D deficiency. As we avoid the sun more and more for fear of developing skin cancer, we may be creating an even bigger problem. Vitamin D is absolutely essential for our bodies and 15-45 minutes of direct sunlight each day is the best way to get it (the darker your skin, the more time you will need in the sun).

When an adult does not get enough D they can experience the following: aches and pains, lowered immunity to disease, bone softening, increased rates of cancer (especially breast, prostate, and colon cancers), heart disease, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and high blood pressure. Men, age 40-70, with low levels of Vitamin D have a significantly higher risk of heart attack than men of the same age group with normal D levels.

[Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, health & medical, race & culture
No Comments »

The latest iteration of the proposed healthcare bill, the one being championed by Montana Senator Seiman Baucus (recipient of over $4 million in healthcare lobbyists’ money), ignores the President’s promise that he would not levy taxes on those who were not rich. It also ignores the promise the President made to negotiate the healthcare changes on C-Span but since he ignored the promise to make his campaign financing transparent, we really didn’t expect him to keep his word.

Part of the Baucus plan is to create new taxes for medical devices based on the three categories created by the FDA. The categories break down medical devices into those that present minimal potential for harm to the user (Class I), those for which general controls alone are insufficient to assure safety and effectiveness (Class II) and devices where insufficient information exists to assure safety and effectiveness solely through the general or special controls (Class III). [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, health & medical, politics & government
No Comments »