Recently I have had nothing but grave news. Two weeks ago I was describing to friends how it was our hour of need as the Norskies defended the peak of the gold medal mountain in the new Cold War, in Vancouver. Then it was just last week that my clarion call was sounded regarding the now 7-year-war against wild animals (10/03/2003 — Never Forget). These two very serious issues were weighing on me heavily. And then I heard that the Earth’s day is now shorter.

The earthquake in Chile changed the axis and sped up the Earth?! What? I’m sorry, come again? Why hasn’t there been much gnashing of teeth and such? The fifth most feasible way to destroy the Earth is to overspin it until it tears itself apart! Think of this as spinning a basketball on your finger. Of course you would have to paint it like the globe because the Earth doesn’t have an NBA logo on it… yet. Anyway, you’re spinning it on your finger and you flick it with your other hand to speed it up. Well, where you hit it is where the earthquake was. Japan and Haiti were just the next places where God spun the ball painted like a globe and flicked it. Each time we get flicked we spin a bit faster… and faster… and faster… until we reach critical mass (speed) and cannot stop the Earth from flying apart.

In light of some of the more terrible recent events: Hurricane Katrina; Earthquakes in Haiti, Japan and Chile; the rise of Miley Cyrus; I made some preliminary calculations… mainly using my fingers, but like I said, they were preliminary. I figured that we will reach critical speed on or about 21 December of the year 2012. Now I wasn’t saying the Earth will end on that day… simply that the Earth will start inexorably destroying itself on that day. On that day it will become unstoppable.

So you can imagine how troubling this was for me all week. We were fighting two wars. One in the North against Norway and the other a counterinsurgency against all the wild animals of the world. Things were looking pretty bleak. And then, as I sat ruminating in my own darkening thoughts, I heard what could only have been the voice of God saying to me, “I close my eyes - Only for a moment and the moment’s gone - All my dreams - Pass before my eyes with curiosity.” I was transfixed with rapt awe.

As I struggled to understand the grandeur and meaning of what was being said, the following words filled my heart with comfort and light: “Now don’t hang on - Nothin’ lasts forever but the Earth and Sky.” I know! I felt exactly the same way! With tears of joy filling my eyes it all clicked into place. God was speaking to me through Kansas’ hit single “Dust in the Wind,” which peaked at number six on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1978.

Well, of course, my mind was racing with the meaning of all of this. The Earth and Sky will last forever… so sayeth Kansas/God? Then that means the Earth cannot be destroyed in 2012… or any other date for that matter. And Kansas is the geographic center of the contiguous (or conterminous) United States/Earth, as was proven scientifically by balancing on a point a cardboard cutout shaped like the U.S. And we have made great strides in the new Cold War by finishing the latest battle with a record number of medals. And I still eat meat, so wild animals are on the run.

My reservoir was renewed. Instead of doom and gloom it was all peace, love and good happiness stuff. All of my fretting and worrying was blown away like so much dust in the wind.

Recently, President Obama signed an Executive Order immunizing the five-person Interpol office in New York City from a handful of federal laws.

Gadzooks!

Read the order yourself, if you dare, though your eyes may burn with tears and your gentle heart burst with outrage:

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including section 1 of the International Organizations Immunities Act (22 U.S.C. 288), and in order to extend the appropriate privileges, exemptions, and immunities to the International Criminal Police Organization (Interpol), it is hereby ordered that Executive Order 12425 of June 16, 1983, as amended, is further amended by deleting from the first sentence the words ‘except those provided by Section 2(c), Section 3, Section 4, Section 5, and Section 6 of that Act’ and the semicolon that immediately precedes them.

The semicolon, too? Monster.

Sure, you could think that this is a matter continuing a courtesy first extended by President Reagan to help Interpol continue its vital job of disrupting the worst scumbags on the planet — child pornographers, terrorists, human traffickers. You might buy that the order is intended to reflect the reality that Interpol records are the property of more than one individual nation, and therefore ought to be given a modicum of the protection afforded to thousands of other international organizations, if only to avoid confusion about jurisdiction.

Sure, you could believe that. If you totally hate America. Luckily, Chuck Norris doesn’t:

While many in the conservative world have accused Obama of extending Interpol’s legal exemptions for the purpose of empowering a global police force, I believe there’s a much closer goal and strategic reason he gave this presidential edict. And it dawned on me when I read the seven words of Rachel Billington, an Interpol spokeswoman, who explained to the New York Times the applicable location of the president’s executive order: “It’s only for the New York office.”

“Only for the New York office”? Mmmmm.

Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order and that New York is the feds’ city of choice to place 9/11 terrorists on trial in federal court?

Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order and that, if for any reason the White House can’t give terrorist detainees U.S. constitutional privileges by being tried in civilian courts, they now have the close proximity of Interpol archives that are exempt from American legal or investigative discovery?

Is it merely a coincidence Obama signed this executive Interpol order that now makes Interpol exempt from Freedom of Information Act, or FOIA, requests by U.S. citizens?

Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order and that the feds want to try these 9/11 terrorists in civilian courts rather than military courts, and undoubtedly don’t want to lose the cases in public opinion by the dissemination of the trials’ details and evidence?

Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order and that Interpol’s U.S. central operations office is under the umbrella and within our own Justice Department offices? (Interpol, which was started in 1923 and is made up of 188 country members including the U.S., has a bureau in the Department of Justice.)

Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order and that he often goes out of his way to sympathize with and advocate pro-Muslim culture, beliefs and issues?

What is it about the phrase “Is it merely coincidental” that conveys such gravitas, such depth of character?  I’ve got to start using it more often, in order to earn great respect and admiration.

Anyway, you’ve been warned: when President Obama decides to destroy democracy, tear asunder all that we cherish, and turn over Mom and apple pie to a horde of moral Decepticons, the master plan will be hatched in a secret vault in a shabby midtown high-rise by a half dozen pimpled archivists who probably wear fat-sweaters in summer and boast about their highest scores in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.

Go ahead, rend your garments in horror. Me, I’d be pretty worried too, if not for three things:

Chuck Freaking Norris.

In my inaugural post here at WFTC, I openly begged for a “God Helmet” this Christmas. Today, I present some gift ideas for your holiday shopping list.

It’s no ordinary list, though, because these are not ordinary times. These are times that try men’s souls, as Thomas Paine once said. To bastardize Paine’s eloquence:

[Christmas], like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Shop ‘til you drop, fellow travelers of the apocalypse. It’s X-Mas 2009. Here is your deep-fried dystopian gift guide.

Bed, Bath and Beyond

• The remarkable tauntaun sleeping bag speaks for itself. Use it in tandem with a lucid dream kit or transcranial magnetic stimulator. The mind machine might be worth pursuing too.

• No foreskin? No problem! Sen-Slip’s got you covered, pun intended. It’s the artificial, retractable foreskin for circumcised men. Put it on in the morning and take it off at night. “Just like a shirt.”

• The pocket urinal is a godsend. For the fairer sex, there’s the Ladybag.

Casual Wear

• Newsflash: the fashion police will never be able to stymie the Soviets. (Proof positive: the Russian Seaman Singlet.)

• Skirted swimmers can get wet-but-not-wild via Wholesome Wear.

• For the paramilitary sociopath, there’s the Tactical Series G1 Night Vision Binocular Goggles,Viper Grenade Pouches or Sniper Ghillie Suit.

• Flatulence-filtering underwear and truther beanie caps are other apparel options.

Cuisine, Edible Items & Dining

• Some toast ephemera: Toast Bandages, Toast Wallets and Inflatable Toast.

• What kind of sicko wouldn’t love caffeinated beef jerky? Along similar lines, there’s energized sunflower seeds, which have the endorsement of baseball Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn. They’re infused with caffeine, taurine, lysine, and ginseng.

• Mr. McCooker looks like a solid contraption, provided you can get beyond the countenance of its terrifying product mascot.

• A gift certificate to some adventurous eateries shows you care. Anyone down for some Magic Loaves or Esoteric FroYo?

• For your pen pal in the hoosegow: the Prison Cookbook.

• Global warming denialists can’t deny the burst of flavor in each Climate Change Chocolate Bar.

Forteana

• You can’t go wrong with the Abduction Lamp. Light sources are practical gifts, and the Abduction Lamp has light-emitting diodes, a “removable bovine abductee,” and a durable steel body.

• Hook your life partner up with an alien thought-screen helmet. (You can make your own if you’re willing to buy Velostat by the yard.)

• Important: don’t overlook the gift of indemnity. It comes in no greater form than alien abduction insurance.

Literature

• Stuff those stockings with some light reading. “The Science of Sex Regeneration” is a good appetizer, “the Brutal Art of Ripping, Poking and Pressing Vital Targets” is a nice main course, and “How to Live With a Bitch“ sits high atop the dessert tray.

Odds & Ends

• If gift finding becomes too burdensome, you can always donate to a good cause on someone’s behalf. Help dolphins become a sovereign people at Cetacean Nation.

• Badger fat is the Cadillac of Russian home remedies.

• In today’s hyper-partisan political scene, neither the left nor the right has much tolerance for ambiguity. Thus, the addition of an angry mob to your shrill partisan’s toy collection carries serious symbolic weight. (Via Radley Balko at Hit and Run.)

• The gift of unrelenting brutality is always practical. What if your spousal equivalent absolutely, positively needs to kill someone tomorrow? What then, smart guy? You’ll be glad you consulted this list, I assure you.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Get your gears off my love handles you damned dirty machines!

New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg was on TV recently, touting the expansion of the Lower Manhattan Security Initiative to include midtown Manhattan. Bloomberg is asking for $24 million in Homeland Security funds to complete this project.

Bloomberg cited London’s “Ring of Steel” that was erected in response to a series of IRA bombings in the early 90’s as an example of how it should be done. The closed circuit tv cameras, radiation detectors and license plate reading cameras are designed to monitor the citizens and protect them against both crime and terrorist attack.

Nevermind that Cambridge criminologistshave concluded that the CCTV setup is only effective at slowing vehicle-related crime and has been ineffective at preventing other types of crime, Mayor Bloomberg has  never allowed dissent to sway him from the path he has chosen.

One has to wonder how long it will be before Bloomberg copies the other facets of the “Ring of Steel” and installs the concrete chicanes used to funnel traffic past cameras and police officers. Then he can charge motorists a premium for entering the city similar to the congestion taxes charged in London. 8 British pounds a day, or about $12.80 a day, if you pay on the day you travel into the city, or $16 a day if you wait to get billed.

Bloggers have already said that, in the end, it will simply be a way to generate more revenue through automated ticketing.

They may be correct because it is obvious that it would be a cash cow for the city government while having the cost of the system paid for by the federal government under the guise of anti-terrorism security improvements.

A little taste of Big Brother or another Federal boondoggle? One thing is certain, they are whittling away at our privacy bit by bit and we will all pay for it, one way or another.

Dear Ruby,
An old friend friended me on Facebook recently and we emailed back and forth a few times. I was really excited to be back in touch until I realized that he believes in all kinds of crackpot 9/11 theories and now he is sending me links to videos and websites that I have no interest in. How do I get out of this relationship? I used to like him and agree with him on a lot of topics, but now I’m so turned off that I just cringe when I see new emails from him.

Sincerely, Defriend Me!

Dear Defriend,
We’ve all got our thing, don’t we? The stuff we believe for no good reason? For instance, I think the universe rewards me with dimes. I find dimes every week, especially when I’ve been good. I decided I better keep them all in a special place, so they’re in a bowl on my dresser. There are at least 50 bucks worth of dimes in there. The universe hasn’t told me what I’m saving them for yet, but somehow I think it will. Unless I get hit by a bus first.

There is no good reason to believe that the frequency with which I find dimes is outside of normal statistical probability. I even have told myself that dimes, being easily mistaken for pennies, are probably the second most common coin lost. But, still, a little happy thought bubbles up through the neurons and synapses and mounting plaque pockets in my brain, every time I find a dime.

Many, many, many people function just fine and never hurt a fly — all the while holding an astonishing number of crazy, unconfirmed, and even conflicting beliefs. You can passionately love your football team while also aware that not one of them is even from your part of the country and that they’ve never heard of you and never will. Or maybe you believe in doing laundry three times a day, but only bathe during leap years. You might be absolutely sure that God loves you, and equally sure that he hates me, even though neither of us are mentioned in scripture.

This looks like it’s leading up to a big “Live and Let Live” finale, doesn’t it?

It’s not.

A couple of years ago during a radio talk show I heard a woman call in and say that she didn’t go to college to learn ‘critical thinking.’ She went to college to get a job. I hope she’s not my kid’s orthodontist. Not long after, my friend — a lawyer — told me with a straight face that she took her dog to a pet psychic. More than once. My old man thinks that doctors are quacks, except the one who wrote this great book about how all other doctors are quacks. Oh, and that medicine is a scam. He’s 83. We’re hoping he grows out of it before he actually needs some medicine.

Here’s some other great stuff you don’t need critical thinking for:

• curing your kid’s lymphoma with prayer and huckleberries
• Creationism
• spending good money on “The Secret”
• dating Drew Peterson

In the olden days before the internet, folks in tinfoil hats had a hard time hooking up with each other. Now every dumbass with a theory has access to a million other dumbasses, and misinformation is reproducing like sea monkeys.

I don’t think you should defriend your old, new, soon-to-be-ex friend. I think you should debunk him. Here’s how to start.

For every weird conspiracy theory, especially the ones relating to 9/11 that are somehow extra hurtful and insulting to the victims and the rest of us, there are skeptical folks who live to debunk. Popular Science magazine has taken it upon itself to defend the work of the army of scientists, engineers, and investigators who worked to provide answers to families, survivors, and the American people. They even wrote a book. Another critical thinker at www.conspiracyscience.com dissembles propaganda projects about 9/11 with painstaking research and documentation. Some of the work they do in this research is repeatable. You could do it. That’s one way it stands up as good science. The technical work by civil engineers and physicists stands up to the scrutiny of peer review. This is scientific method. This is what critical thinking demands.

People need to start proving the crap they’re selling or disseminating. Jenny McCarthy, Marlee Matlin, PETA, the Mormons, are you hearing this? Brains are back. Be afraid.

Don’t be afraid to ask Ruby.

Advice for the Rest of Us appears every Friday, unless events conspire against her.

I am not a Luddite. I love my MacBook, my iPod, and my Blackberry Curve. I have my doubts about the effects on literature and music through digitization, the Kindle, downloading, etc., but I accept the premise that, on balance, such technological progress is a good thing. I also eagerly await the progress of medical science in the areas of Alzheimer’s and hip replacement, two things I worry about. Now, a recent article in The New Scientist reports on a recent conference on Neuroscience, and proclaims, “It will soon be possible to boost human brainpower with electronic ‘plug-ins’ or even by genetic enhancement.”

This isn’t new, of course. For years, Ray Kurzweil has been talking about the Singularity, which will take place in 2045, when man and machine will become one. Others have written about the digitization of consciousness within the next 100 years. One author (sorry, I can’t seem to find the article right now) suggests that we won’t need to travel to visit alien civilizations. We’ll simply build similar receptors and beam entire consciousnesses back and forth across the vastness of space.

Sorry, but all this scares the crap out of me. Think about it. Your mind no longer the extension of your body and vice versa. Really, think about that.

Sure, why not be able to boost your intellect a few points with a “plug-in”? Well, and if, as the article suggests, they can make it cheap enough, we’ll all be able to benefit. In fact, with a little dialing in, we can all be equally brilliant. It reminds me, in reverse, of the Kurt Vonnegut story in which a future society makes the physically strong carry heavy weights, and puts platform shoes on short people, so that everyone is equal.

Of course, the problem is that it won’t stop there. Again, think about it. Do you want to live in your own mind for eternity? What if they take away dreams and you have to be awake all day, every day, for centuries, for ever? 

I said “they,” and that’s my real problem. The ultimate slavery will be the enslavement of consciousness by others. I won’t even try to paint that one out — the very words are all that need to be said.

When I was younger, I had a recurring nightmare. It followed a similar pattern each time. I was being held hostage by two other people and forced not to do anything, but to think, faster and faster, along a dizzingly mazy line that my keepers determined, gleefully uncaring how terrified they were making me. Thankfully, I don’t have that dream anymore.

The week of Obama’s inauguration, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announces a special press conference for the White House Press Corps. This will be George W. Bush’s final address as 43rd President of the United States. We go live to that conference already in progress:

“We got you good,” says Bush on-screen, smiling. He looks down to his notes.

“We’ve been making gasoline from water and old garbage since the 70’s and selling it to you. There is no shortage! National debt? Ha! We’ve paid it all off with gas money and have a surplus. We’re going to give fifty-thousand to everyone. What’s more, I recently talked with Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, and Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, and these two gentlemen have agreed to eternal peace. Along with Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, they will head a task force to stop terrorism and educate the Middle-East on the dangers of Islamic extremism. Say hi, guys.”

The three men smile and wave from behind Bush on the platform. Ahmadinejad says something in Olmert’s ear. Olmert smiles and nods. Bush continues.

“Cheney couldn’t be here, but he wants everyone to know he never shot anyone, intentionally or accidentally. The whole Halliburton thing was all publicity too, all good-cop bad-cop.

People around the world sit dumbfounded.

“We want Obama to start with a clean slate. We want change too. Right McCain?” Bush hands the wireless microphone to McCain.

“Yes friends, it’s true. We can make desert into farmland. Um — Friends, we have the cure for AIDS.  We–”

A man steps to the podium beside Bush and whispers in his ear. Bush grabs the microphone from McCain, “That’s all for now. Be happy. More later.”

Bush and McCain walk from the podium toward the door. The reporters are on their feet. They shout questions as they push towards the podium. Men with earpieces and dark sunglasses form a wall in front of the stage. Bush turns and shouts at the mob a final time.

“Global Warming is something made up to distract you from corrupt politics and divide the populations.  There are no more atomic weapons!”

He runs through the door which is quickly shut by security. A shoe, thrown from the crowd, hits the door and falls to the ground.

In the corridor, Bush and McCain power-walk to catch up with the others. Bush is laughing.

“That was fun. Everyone should have a good time — until the comet hits anyway.” McCain chuckles. “Let’s get to the choppers so we can meet them NASA boys.”

“Guess I won’t need this microphone anymore?” asks Bush.

McCain’s smile drops.

“Microphone?”

Back in the press room, Bush’s words echo off the walls.

Panic!

Nearly every morning last year I went into my office with a single intent — to write. Something. Anything. Nothing. Instead, other than the few posts made here, I have managed to play 386,427 games of spider solitaire. Sadly, I don’t win often, but I do have an impressive twelve-win run in easy mode, which is totally pathetic.

I am discouraged.

Rest assured that there is an abundance of gross incompetence, general stupidity, and blatant disregard for truth and justice in the world that I would gladly comment on. At this very moment there are dozens of diatribes dancing around in my head fighting to find a direct pipeline to my keyboard.

This is not a case of writer’s block. There are big, big, big things going on that piss me off and I, like thousands of others in the blogosphere, have opinions and judgments that I think are unique, brilliant, and deserving of being blasted throughout the universe because, well, um, I am right and you are wrong.

No, this is not writer’s block. My deserving diatribes on the big issues are not absent. My truth is out there. But unlike everyone else in the blogosphere, I am the victim of a cruel conspiracy. My rage has been stolen and broadcast as a ‘special comment’ by Keith Olbermann.

Yes! You Sir, have pinched my blog! 

At first I thought it was Arianna Huffington, but she is just too nice. Don’t get me wrong, the woman is truly brilliant and has used my words to effectively skewer many an adversary through their cold, misguided, republican hearts. But then I saw her on television and noticed that her eyes don’t bulge obscenely when she gets irate, her head doesn’t turn a garish shade of purple or swell to huge proportions, and she doesn’t use 128-word sentences. Well, that just isn’t me. Although her impression of me in print is quite admirable and worthy of note, she is no Keith Olbermann.

Rachel Maddow was in the running. She captures my scathing wit and satirical nature perhaps even more than Keith. But again, I think outrage should alter your physical appearance. Olbermann is really an albino pygmy, you know. He just looks bigger and redder on TV. At the very least you should be able to spin your head 360°. That is outrage!

So here I am, once again, sitting at my computer this morning reflecting on all the big, big, big things that piss me off. In addition to the big global stuff, there is my own personal big stuff that sucks: cancer, baldness, chemo-induced menopause. What will I write?

I am overwhelmed.  

Perhaps I should change my strategy. Maybe my would-be rants are too big. I could try to write about things that don’t piss me off. I could reflect on 2008 and write about the things I am grateful for. Perhaps I could find a happy balance. A look on the bright side… examine the silver lining, if you will.

• I have cancer, but I’m alive
• I am bald, but I haven’t had to shave my legs in over a year
• I’m in full-blown menopause at 42, but my older sister still has her period
• Bush is an asshole, but he’ll be gone in 21 days

 No, that won’t work. Keith would never go for it.

 Maybe tomorrow.

It won’t be long now before the post-apocalyptic future, as shown in the Terminator movies, comes to pass.

Famed technologist Ray Kurzwell is predicting that machines will have evolved enough to match man’s cognitive abilites in just another 20 years. I think he is being overly optimistic about the time we have left, based on the launch of our Overlord’s surveillance construct, iSentry.

The successful test of a hovering anti-missile device called, aptly enough, the Multiple Kill Vehicle, is just the latest nail in the coffin that is our mastery of this planet.

Combine the iSentry and an MKV with the Israeli’s new offensive robot, and you have a wonderful tool with which to control the masses!

Sure, call me a nutcase, but I swear my toaster has been acting mighty uppity.

I love times like these. I really do.

No, I don’t revel in human misery and I don’t derive any pleasure from watching others struggle. I do, however, look forward to the bargains I can rake in once the hype and fear have dropped to manageable levels.

The economy slumps, a terror alert is issued, a democrat is elected and winter is coming. The uncertain economic situation leads to a rise in the awareness of crime, if not the crime rate itself.

These events all lead the easily panicked to rush to the stores and stock up on nifty items like guns & ammo, generators and survival gear. They stockpile against the coming dark ages and when, as we all hope, society bounces back, they look at these panic purchases and feel guilty. They think about the nice things they could have bought with the money  and they feel guilty for falling prey to the ’sky is falling’ mentality that they had previously mocked. They don’t like to admit that they felt afraid and don’t want to face the loss of faith in their fellow man.

Before you know it, eBay, Auction Arms, Craigslist and the local paper are full of barely used, good condition gear that the previous owners are only too happy to sell at a loss, if for no other reason than to convince themselves that they were not really afraid after all, they were just being careful. The survival gear was never unpacked, the generators got fired up once, to see if they worked. The guns were probably fired once or twice, just enough to convince the temporary owners that they are indeed in control of their fate.

The best deals can always be found by trying to pick out the most devoted of liberals, those bastions of the left wing who, in quieter times, vote against the second amendment and for more government cheese. The sense of guilt is almost palpable and the look of relief on their faces, as you load the reminder of their panic into your vehicle, is comical.

Meanwhile, those of us who have always been ready, who didn’t need to rush out and spend stupid amounts of money to secure those items that are invaluable in times of unrest, have the money we didn’t spend at hand. We shop around, pick and choose, bargain these embarrassed Chicken Littles down to the rock bottom, and add to our, admittedly, already overstocked supply.

See, we know that the US of A will come through this latest crisis. This time.

We are convinced that the time to be self-sufficient is not after the storm begins, but while the sky is still blue. We are certain that it will someday not be ok.

Until that sorry day arrives, we will just smile when you call us neanderthals, rednecks, nutcases and worse. We will quietly go about collecting those things we feel we need against that day when all the panic shopping in the world won’t help. We just roll our collective eyes at those neighbors who previously avoided us, then rushed to get our advice about what equipment was best, and now avoid us again. We will offer you advice when you ask, and know that you won’t really listen.

We are not all conspiracy theorists and militia wanna-be types. We are not building secret bunkers and wearing tin-foil hats and we don’t think there are aliens at Area 51.

Well, maybe just one or two aliens…

We are just not willing to trust our lives to the ephemeral whims of whatever political party holds sway this year and we are certainly not willing to depend on our fair-weather neighbors. We believe that self-reliance and self-determination are not just words to shout out at a rally, but ideals to live by. We don’t live beyond our means and we could care less about keeping up with the Jones. We are not knee-deep in debt and we don’t have to be worried about the mortgage payment because we just had to have that 60″ TV.

We believe in planning. Short term, long term, backup and contingency. And, of course, SHTF plans.

We are ready.

Inside Higher Ed recently published Why More Colleges Want Jewish Students. Jews send their kids to college at a high rate and the kids are generally smart and good students and participate in campus activities. Schools apparently believe that increasing the Jewish student population can improve the school’s overall academic standing and environment. The article examines whether this is a welcome trend that embraces a favorable stereotype or whether something more troubling is going on.

All of this might have you wondering, why is it that Jews do so well in school and are so smart? Fortunately for you, I have the answer. It all comes down to circumcision. You heard me.

Some people argue that the Jews have a genetic intelligence advantage, which accounts for their disproportionate representation in medicine and law and their achievements in business. Some argue that they have a culture shaped by history that emphasizes success and education, which accounts for their disproportionate representation in medicine and law and their achievements in business. And of course, there are all sorts of sinister conspiracy theories that try to account for their disproportionate representation in medicine and law and their achievements in business.

However, the Circumcision Jewish Conspiracy Theory is the real explanation that accounts for their disproportionate representation in medicine and law and their achievements in business. It’s simple, really. As you may know, some people oppose male circumcision. One of their claims against it is that it decreases sensitivity and sexual enjoyment for the man. If this is at all true, I have trouble believing that there is a major difference. As a circumcised man myself, I can’t imagine sex being much more enjoyable than it already is. But if it is true, even barely, it explains everything.

Circumcision leads to decreased enjoyment of sex, though not decreased enough to prevent the propagation of the genetic lines of those circumcised. But it does decrease sexual pleasure just enough to allow men to focus on something other than getting laid, at least part of the time. The ability to think about something other than sex for even a nano-second is probably most valuable in the hormone-saturated teen years, which explains why Jews excel in school in comparison to their circumcision-deprived peers, and why so many end up going to medical school. Achievement during these years has lifelong ramifications. Over the generations this slight edge in ability to think of something other than sex has been the cause of the Jewish cultural valuing of education and the achievements of the Jews as a people, a slow, cumulative consequence of thousands of years of cut penises and very, very slightly reduced sexual pleasure.

If the theory is correct, then we would expect to see increased rates of achievement from nations and ethnic groups that reflects their percentage of circumcised men and the percentage of male circumcision for past generations. Someone should do a study.

One objection could be that male circumcision leaves out half the population — women. But it doesn’t. Less voracious sexual appetites among men would also leave women with more time and energy to focus on concerns other than sex.

And, to the extent that patriarchal societies were guided in intellectual and economic achievement by men, because women were excluded from these activities, we would expect male circumcision to have a disproportionate overall impact on the group’s achievement levels as a whole. Even in societies where women are no longer excluded, the cultural pattern would have been established long ago, when women were excluded.

Thus, we see that the effects of male circumcision reaches down through the centuries. This poses challenges for other groups, who might wish to emulate the Jewish success that was caused by male circumcision. Even if these groups begin to approach the near 100% circumcision rate of Jews, it would be many generations before the groups reaped the circumcision windfall.

Washington DC September 15, 2020 — Citing the acceptance of the Sharia Courts by the Former Great Britain’s High Court as a separate but parallel legal system, The Church of Scientology filed a case in Superior Court for a ruling on the creation of a “Xenu the All Powerful Court of the Spiritually Rehabilitated.”

According to an unnamed Scientology spokesman at this morning’s press conference, the creation of this court would “allow the enlightened to face an enlightened court that would understand the challenges of the spiritually rehabilitated at various levels and fees.”

Opponents of this bill cite the widespread abuse initially reported under the Sharia Courts in the former Great Britain. Prior to the abdication of King Charles, shortly after he ascended the throne, the entire government resigned en-masse in protest when the House of Lords was closed in favor of the Council of Muslim Clerics. The newly elected Religious Leader and head Cleric of Great Britain, Mohammad Aliq Sharif, made his first act a change of the name of the nation to New Islaamabad. His acceptance speech called for an end to the “heretical so-called ‘Free Press’ and the creation of a Ministry for Public Information.”

More recent statements from the New Islaamabad Minister of Information Ali Hassan Farouq, blamed radical Christian separatists as the cause of the short-lived unrest and claim that all is well in the new Islaamic Paradise. Independent confirmation is unavailable at this time due to the border closings and the bombing of the New Islaamabad-France tunnel, the “Chunnel.”

President For Life Obama has publicly stated that his intention is to help pass legislation making the creation of a Sharia Court in the US his first priority in the new year. “We must embrace change!” was his battle cry from his secret bunker somewhere on the coast of Mexico.

The Church of Scientology’s stated goal is to have their court in place prior to the predicted return of Xenu in 2022. The ‘Xenu Court,’ as it is being called, will be staffed by the unanimous appointment of three justices, John Travolta, Jerry Seinfeld and Kirstie Alley, and led by Xenu Supreme Justicar Tom Cruise who claims to be the reincarnation of the Sci/Fi author and Patron Saint of Scientology, L Ron Hubbard.