Entries Tagged as 'television'

ends & oddhealth & medical

Everyone on TV is dying of cancer

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Seriously, every time I watch a show or listen to a podcast, someone is either dealing with the impending death themselves or had a parent who died of cancer when they were young. At some point I might have to just give up and do a media blackout. What I really need is a cancer rating website. The show/podcast/movie gets a C if it contains cancer death, an NC if there is no cancer reference, and a FY (fuck, yeah) if the storyline contains a person who beat cancer and then died of old age. That should be a thing.
While I’m at it, I would also like a restaurant that serves all the food that fights cancer, prepared deliciously. Everything will be organic. There will be no plastics in the room anywhere, not even in the seat under your bottom. No dairy, no meat, no sugar, no gluten. There will be wild caught salmon on Fridays only (moderation, people!) And maybe, on late Saturday nights, when there is a band (with no cancer songs- EVER) they will serve baked potatoes. This place will know how to make broccoli and brussels sprouts taste amazing (without a grill in site. Because carcinogens.Duh.) It will make the most wonderful dishes out of berries and also mushrooms, not together obvs. There will also be more than one organic tea option, maybe more than 20. The real kick, though, what will sell the place to all the cancer peeps and their friends, is the incredible fact that flax oil and turmeric is added to everything, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TASTE IT! I have to stop, I’m getting excited, and this place will not exist.
I need that restaurant. Feeding myself is a part time job. Trying to eat all organic and fresh takes time. So much chopping. So much shopping. Lucky for me I’m also doing intermittent fasting. That cuts out a meal in the middle, though crafting a healthy snack can sometimes be just as laborious. Can someone invent a self cleaning juicer? I’m asking for a lot today. Better start playing my cancer card.
My other part time job is studying cancer. Today I was trying to figure out the results of some follow up blood work (while I listened to a guy on Fresh Air talk about losing his mom to cancer). No more accepting the CBC form with the results and then throwing it away because I have no idea what it means. Now, I actually need to know what it means. Today it meant that my Vitamin D level is just barely in the normal range, so keep up the supplements. My iron indicators have gone up a bit, but not enough. Still anemic, wah wah. My B12 and folate are good, though, so it’s definitely the iron thing. What I don’t understand is why my platelet count went down to normal. Still looking into that. Hey- maybe the cancer is gone?! WEEEEEEE! No more blogs. The End.

art & entertainmenttelevision

Gilmore Girls, A Year in the Life: Episode 4 recap.

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Subtitle: Meg Has Feelings.

Dear Gilmore Girls, I think I speak for all of us when I say: What. The Actual. Eff?

I’m going to insert the Read More tag here so that I don’t spoil things for those who have not seen the ending of Gilmore Girls, A Year in the Life. Hold, please… [Read more →]

art & entertainmenttelevision

Gilmore Girls, A Year in the Life: Episode 3 Recap

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Those hazy, crazy, something days of summer are here and the heat must be getting to those Gilmore Girls because things got cray in this episode.

Recap

Despite trying to convince the residents of Stars Hollow that she’s only home temporarily, we all know that Rory is, indeed, “back” and is signaling her commitment to letting her life go down the toilet via her wardrobe. Out go the lucky red dresses and jaunty circle skirts that attract men in Wookie costumes like moths to flames, in come the leggings and oversized tee shirts. She’s basically becoming Lane. Sad, sad Lane. Rory is bored out of her mind because no one clued her in to the fact that freelance journalists can, you know, work from wherever, so takes on the sad task of reviving the Stars Hollow Gazette. How sad is this endeavor? It’s Lane Sad, that’s how sad it is. It’s so sad that Rory has to enlist her MOTHER to help her deliver the papers around town. I mean, honestly, how big can Stars Hollow be, really? How exhausted can you be, really? You were just on the phone with Logan saying that you were bored, Rory. Then Jess finally shows up like the deux ex machina at the end of the opera, prompting Rory to finally see how very Lane Sad she’s become. He pulls his best Dr. Behr and tells Jo to just write what she knows, already. Oh, Jess. We can always count on you to slap Rory upside the head. Also, Rory is also becoming increasingly worried about Emily’s depression and gets no support from Lorelai on that. Lorelai really is like a child sometimes. [Read more →]

art & entertainmenttelevision

Gilmore Girls, A Year In the Life: Episode 2 Recap

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I just wrapped up the second episode of Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life, and any fears I had about it being too cutesy are out the window. This is pretty good, guys.

Recap

In a move that should have happened about forty years ago, Lorelai and Emily go to therapy together. Turns out Emily is still pretty bitter about that whole Lorelai-getting-knocked-up-at-sixteen-then-running-away-from-home-and-only-coming-back-when-she-needed-money thing. Who knew? Emily then invites Luke to dinner, where she gives him the information he needs to purchase a life insurance policy and also drops the horrible news on him that Richard left him a large sum of money specifically earmarked for the expansion of Luke’s Diner into a multi-location franchise. Well Luke and Lorelai are just livid at this. Livid! Damn those Gilmores. Giving Luke a ton of money to expand and hiring the best real estate agent in town, all to ensure that their daughter and the man she has chosen to spend her life with are taken care of. What a bunch of assholes. Emily eventually gives up on therapy but Lorelai keeps going. Emily takes Luke to see some locations for the first location of the Luke’s Diner empire, which will be run by Cesar, apparently? Lord help those patrons. Oh, and Luke and Lorelai lie to each other so that can’t be good. [Read more →]

art & entertainmenttelevision

Gilmore Girls Recap: Observations! Questions! Shenanigans! Coffee!

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This week, people all over the country sat down to enjoy what many of us have been looking forward to for the better part of a year: No, not Thanksgiving, the return of Gilmore Girls on Netflix. The Girls are a divisive entity, like Brussels sprouts or the music of Nickelback—you either despise them ore you’re all in. I’ve been all in for the Gilmore Girls since about season 3 and it’s been a lonely road at times. Once, while spending two weeks at my parents’ house recovering from minor surgery, my father actually stood in front of the television and said “I love you, but I am begging you to turn this off.” Sometimes, he still wakes up from Gilmore-induced nightmares, shaking and screaming “NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT!!” [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Bill O’Reilly’s top ten good things about slavery

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10. When they were building the White House, they were “well fed”

9. They “had decent lodgings provided by the government”

8. Many of them got a free sea cruise before arriving in America

7. They didn’t have to pay income taxes

6. Their cramped overcrowded lodgings encouraged cameraderie

5. Frequently, owners would deign to have sex with them

4. Their situation led to the creation of many deeply moving Negro spirituals; which led to the creation of blues, jazz, and boogie-woogie; which led to the creation of rock and roll

3. Free on-the-job training

2. They got to spend time in our nation’s capital

1. They were finally safe from lions, hyenas, cheetahs and elephants
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten signs you’re not going to win an Emmy next Sunday night

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10. Your performance has been described as “Sandler-esque”

9. Contestants on Bowling for Dollars aren’t eligible

8. Your show only appeared on YouTube, and starred Mr. Whiskers

7. You were a writer for Hollywood Game Night

6. Your pilot for Law & Order: U.S. Postal Inspection Service never made it to air

5. Your reality show is all about your family-operated business called Duck Commander

4. As a C.S.I. corpse, you were never given the opportunity to show your full range as an actor

3. Donald Trump is somehow involved

2. Outstanding Lead Actor in a Boner Pill Commercial isn’t a category

1. You’re a Kardashian
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Tony Awards

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10. “Look, they got one of the Teletubbies to host!”

9. “I hope they show Laurie Metcalf hobbling Bruce Willis.”

8. “I mean, do they have to use the full title Shuffle Along, or, the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed every single time they mention it?”

7. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memoriam segment.”

6. “I hear they’re preparing another one of those jukebox musicals like Jersey Boys or Mama Mia! called Blame It On the Rain, based on the music of Milli Vanilli.”

5. “So Barbra Streisand was famous for something besides those Fockers movies?”

4. “I’d much prefer King Charles III to King Donald I.”

3. “I thought they already made King Donald I. It’s called American Psycho.”

2. “In what month is thing scheduled to end?”

1. “I was kinda disappointed in Hamilton, but then I thought it was going to be about Margaret Hamilton, who played the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Ox.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular holiday specials

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10. Don Knott’s It’s A Wonderful Fife!

9. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos

8. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners

7. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah

6. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special

5. Gift Wrapping with the Stars

4. The 83rd Annual Leaving of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Out On The Curb

3. Miracle Whip on 34th Street

2. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent

1. Donald Trump’s Me, the Son, and the Holy Ghost
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten new shows on the Paula Deen Network

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10. Cooking with Lard

9. The Amazing Racist: Ferguson, Missouri

8. The Better Butter Batter Broadcast

7. Chunky Brewster

6. Intolerant Cruelty

5. The Lards of Fatbush

4. Calling a Spade a Spade

3. Waiting for Hefty

2. Tales from the Darky Side

1. Cooking with More Lard
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular new television shows

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10. Law and Order: SUV

9. Everybody Loves Ramen

8. Alimentary

7. America’s Funniest Home Pregnancy Tests

6. The Vampire Blogs

5. Justified: How I Prefer My Paragraphs

4. CSI: NCIS: NYPD: LMNOP

3. Survivor: Bayonne

2. Marvel’s Agents of B.O.R.E.D.

1. Sunday Night Football: Special Victims Unit
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten new shows on Atheist TV

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10. Touched by a Physicist

9. The 420 Club

8. Religulous – The Series

7. (Don’t) Believe

6. Hour of Sour

5. A Show About Nothingness

4. How I Met Your Silverback

3. The Fraud Squad

2. We’re A Non-Prophet Organization

1. Highway to Nowhere
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten new shows on the Sarah Palin Channel

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10. Whose Lie Is It Anyway?

9. B.J. and the Mama Grizzly

8. Minimal Minds

7. Combat Drone Moose Hunt

6. Are You Dumber Than A Fifth Grader?

5. Under the Nome

4. How I Met Your Teenage Unwed Mother

3. The Big Benghazi Theory

2. Wasilla Gorilla

1. The Tina Fey Hour
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten new shows on The Cat Network

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10. The King James Persian

9. Here and Meow

8. Paper Tiger

7. The Weakest Lynx

6. Garfield of Dreams

5. Cougar Town

4. Tails from the Crypt

3. L.A. Claw

2. Sex and the Kitty

1. Downton Tabby
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees and end to the growling announcer

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 444440: What’s with the trend of the growling announcer? — these TV narrators who chew their words and turn the letter S into “Sh”*, as they speak, and then end their sentences with growls? Have ye heard this, O observant minions? (It’s like James Hetfield changed careers, for Pete’s sake.) Look for these angry elocutors on ABC Family Channel and on car commercials and on Discovery channel. Is this just one guy, or another example of meatballs-for-heads nature of the average person? Oh! That is successful! I will imitate it exactly, instead of carving my own niche! And after that, I will write a book about a kid who goes to a wizard school and I will call him Larry Trotter! Oh, the Emperor will find out and then…

The Punishment: These grumbling goofballs will be given growling lessons by a real expert.  In small cage. That is locked.

*A special thank-you to faithful minion “azchurch” for reminding us about the annoying speech-trend of turning the letter S into “sh.” We blame the original 90210. (One is much better advised to spend time with 90125.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the phrase “but, wait!” shall no longer be used in television commercials

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. LP-700-4: The Emperor rarely does things just for poops and wah-has, but he has decided, this week, to ban the phrase “but, wait!” from all commercials. By doing so, we will effectively put a stop to: “What would you pay for a tool that slices, dices, juliennes and raises your children while doing the grocery shopping, in space, during a meteor shower? But wait – don’t answer yet, because, if you call within the next six seconds, we’ll throw in this beautiful, red Lamborghini Veneno, free of charge! But that’s not all! We’ll double your order and throw in free, lifetime maintenance on the cars…but only if you order in the next six seconds!” Why ban this? Why not? Let the commercial writers expand their creative horizons in order to whip up marketing excitement. Pull out the crutch and watch the bastards topple, I say.

The Punishment: Violators will be run over by a Lamborghini Veneno driven by a guy who is reading a thesaurus.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that tooth-brushers must actually use toothpaste in toothpaste commercials

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4093-1.4: Everything is an illusion in media, these days — “movie magic” and all that rot. CGI. Green screens. We make every effort to create technological alchemy on screens both large and small. Yet, for some inconceivable reason, in every toothpaste commercial ever made, we are forced to endure, from the mirror’s perspective, the farce of  impossibly handsome people brushing their teeth…dry.  The Emperor doesn’t care if it is gross – enough of this deception. Henceforth, people are no longer allowed to brush their teeth without toothpaste in toothpaste commercials. Let’s see some slobber. Let’s see some good, chin-drippy, projectile spitting that ends in disgusting, dangling, transluscent strings of pearly, wobbling glory. If the ole choppers ain’t bubbly with white, spittle-frothed paste, they simply ain’t clean! Truth in advertising! Huzzah!

The Punishment: Directors of commercials for toothpaste — who don’t use toothpaste in their commercials — will be forced to brush with the Emperor’s own, personally- invented “Imperial Tooth Scouring Cream.” (A special blend of various astringent and acidic compounds, stirred lovingly into an entirely unsanitary and unwholseome creamy base that is simply called: “Mystery White Gloop.”

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular holiday specials

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10. America’s Funniest Home Nutcracker Videos

9. Chris Christie’s Twelve Days of Christmas Dinners

8. The Seven Dwarfs in Whistle While You Twerk

7. University of California Davis Policeman’s Now We Spray Our Pepper Gayly

6. It’s A Wonderful Life for the One Percent

5. Rob Ford’s Santa’s Comin’ at the Crack of Dawn!

4. A Charlie Brownstein Hanukkah

3. Frostie the Puddle’s Global-Warming Denier’s Special

2. Al Jazeera’s Christmas Hoax

1. America’s Funniest Christmas Tree Fires
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten new Dr. Seuss Christmas specials

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10. Green Elves and Ham

9. The Cat In the Santa Hat

8. Reindeer Slop On Pop

7. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

6. Mary Yertle Gets Fertile

5. The Fox In Socks In Your Christmas Box

4. And To Think That I Saw It On Bethlehem Street

3. Horton Hears a ‘Ho!’ (…‘Ho! Ho!’)

2. The Butterball Battle Book

1. How The Grinch Stole My Identity and Maxed Out My Credit Cards
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular new TV shows

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10. Law & Order: Jaywalking Unit

9. Two and a Half Laughs

8. How I Met Your Father: Woody Allen/Frank Sinatra Edition

7. The Old and the Toothless

6. Justified: How I Prefer My Paragraphs

5. America’s Funniest Tweets

4. Dancing with the Has-Beens

3. Breaking Wind

2. Once Upon a Time in Newark, New Jersey

1. So You Think You Can Twerk
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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