Entries Tagged as 'art & entertainment'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs your film won’t be nominated for an Academy Award

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10. It’s called The Life of Pie, starring Chris Christie

9. Tyler Perry’s in it, but he’s not wearing a dress

8. The title contains either the words ‘John’ or ‘Carter’

7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle

6. It was filmed in 1D

5. The jury at Cannes found you “Guilty as charged”

4. It’s based on a board game

3. Like last year’s winner, The Artist, it’s a silent film — but that’s due to a technical error

2. Adam Sandler is at his zaniest

1. Roger Ebert gave it two thumbs down and a middle finger up
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

diatribesmusic

Cafe Music Crankiness

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Those who know me know this is continuing struggle of mine: music played at cafes.

I was recently at a cafe, OCF on South St, and the music was spectacularly bad. When I arrived it was thumping techno — not electronica or lounge — TECHNO. After a little while I approached the barista and semi-tactfully explained that the music was intrusive, poorly-selected, and too loud for the cafe. So he changed it, to a mix of…

…calypso music. I’m not joking. I thought he was, at first, to spite me, but no, he was serious. That’s what hipsters do. They tend shop at cafes in ironic ugly Christmas sweaters, playing calypso.

But at least the calypso was pretty soft and not too offensive, even if it made no sense to play it on a freezing cold December day. Once that mix was over, the playlist of fail continued:

- Electronica, none of which was listenable
- The full “Loveless” album by My Bloody Valentine. Now this is an “important” album and I get that. It’s overrated, though, because Kevin Shields’s legendary perfectionism and layering process makes the sound more muddled than it should be. Hence how good Japancakes’s cover (of the whole album) sounds. Regardless, anyone who knows MBV knows it’s not cafe music.
- Drone music

You read that right, too. Drone music. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Like a blog entry wwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiittttttttteeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnn lllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiikkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeee ttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiissssssssss.

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art & entertainmenttelevision

A Christmas tradition, of sorts …

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Even in the days of DVDs, when I could watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” easily and inexpensively, whenever I wanted, I would still wait for the Christmas season to come around, so I could watch the broadcast, just as I did the first time it aired … and have done every Christmas season since then … at least until the last couple of years, when broadcasters made additional cuts to the original program. Made me glad I bought the DVD a while back … I still wait for the Christmas season to come around … I just watch it via a new medium. [Read more →]

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten suggested wedding gifts for Hugh Hefner’s and Crystal Harris’s New Year’s Eve wedding

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10. A Rascal scooter with a “Just Married” sign and tin cans tied to the back

9. An extremely rare collection of old naked TSA photos

8. A subscription to Penthouse

7. A defibrillator

6. A copy of Kama Sutra for the Infirm

5. An adult-diaper-ready tux

4. A Viagra Pez dispenser (with a different head on it)

3. A honeymoon bed with handrails

2. A Playboy calendar with only May and December in it

1. Laminated copies of the two-document agreement they finally struck: her signature on a pre-nup, and his on a ‘do not resus’
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainment

David Lynch and Russell Brand meditating

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If your face hasn’t exploded from pop culture overload in 2012, then this image should get you there.

 

art & entertainmenttelevision

So long to a good ol’ boy

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Count me among those mourning the death of stage, screen and (most of all) television star Larry Hagman, who passed away Friday in a Dallas, Texas, hospital. Hagman was 81.

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musicThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the harmonica shall be banned in all music (except for one cat)

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 87/8-P: The harmonica is hereby banned in the Empire. There shall be no more sonic poison vomited into sparkling guitar cocktails served by unwashed Dylan wannabes wearing neck-holders and moaning and spitting into cheap Hohners. The Emperor has decided that, artistically speaking, the harmonica is the proverbial fart in church; it is an Almond Joy bobbing in the public pool; the accidental, mid-wipe finger-punch through the toilet paper; the over-the-top scatological humor in the formal blog post; the plump and throbbing zit perched between the azure eyes of a beauty queen. The harmonica is a heinous-sounding buzz-saw backing a choir of angels. It adds about as much musicality to the average song as pants would add to the hydro-dynamics of a cruising Great White. (The only valid harmonica musician of all time is Toots Thielmans — he, alone, shall continue to be allowed to play, until such time as he may go up to the great Jam Session in the Sky.) Next week, all harmonicas shall be seized and destroyed in the Imperial Harmonica Smasher. (Yes, we built one. And, yes, it is as cool as it sounds.)

Everyone knows the definition of “perfect pitch” is when you throw a harmonica into a dumpster and it bounces off of a broken accordion. (Thank, yeeew – the Emperor’s here every week. Try the veal!)

The Punishment: Those caught with contraband harmonicas will be thrown into the smasher along with their offensive, metallic tooters — whose natural sounds will have been far more disturbing than the ensuing death screams of the besquished owners could ever be.

PS: John Popper is not a valid defense against this decree, so don’t try it. If anything, just bringing his name up will make the Emperor even more angry.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten upcoming David Blaine stunts

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10. Being entombed for a week in a giant plastic coffin filled with lime Jello

9. Extricating himself from a pair of extra-tight skinny jeans

8. Being continually electrocuted by people rubbing their feet on shag carpeting

7. Eating a pound of cut-rate sushi, then riding a Tilt-A-Whirl for 10 hours

6. Being encased in a truckload of frozen Snicker bars

5. Surviving for 48 hour without food or water hanging above a downtown New York street, suspended only by his pubic hair

4. Breaking the Guinness World Record of “Most Successive Publicity Stunts”

3. Holding his breath until he literally turns blue

2. Levitating his pants

1. Watching every Adam Sandler movie ever made, without a break or taking any drugs
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

moviesreligion & philosophy

The solution to every major mystery on earth

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The ancient world has left us with lots of mysteries that have been baffling mankind for millennia. Mysteries like the Great Pyramid of Giza, Stonehenge, the Crystal Skulls, the Nazca Lines, and many more. In addition, our history is filled with unanswered questions about who we are, what inspired the stories of our gods, what all this extra DNA is doing in our genes, and so on. What if I told you that all of these seemingly unrelated mysteries all share the exact same explanation—and that this explanation will completely change life on earth as we know it?  Oh, and the epiphany for this explanation hit me while I was watching a horror movie that came out earlier this year. This movie’s tagline was, “You think you know the story. Think again.” The same can be said of this edition of “Answers to Everything.” [Read more →]

art & entertainmentmovies

A disturbance in the force

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televisiontrusted media & news

Jersey shore destroyed, CNN wants us to know what cast of Jersey Shore thinks

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When I heard the Jersey shore was destroyed, I initially blamed Snooki. Then I found out that a Giant-Franken-Super-Mega-Storm of the Millennium known as Hurricane Sandy had hit the East Coast, which would explain why most of my county doesn’t have power and schools have been closed all week. It seems that Snooki isn’t to blame for the people who keep coming to my house to eat hot meals and charge their phones. Still, if you’re wondering what the cast of Jersey Shore thinks about the situation at the Jersey shore, well, first, shame on you. But I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.

They think it’s bad.

Screenshot from CNN.com on November 1, 2012.

(See what I did there with “situation“? Very clever. But  not as clever as the writers at CNN, who tell us that the cast is “devastated” at what in the headline is described as “devastation.” The cast is devastated over the devastation.)

musicThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that ye shall no longer quote crappy lyrics on Facebook or Twitter

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. Cmi7: It may seem a tad common for one of his dazzling grandeur, but the Emperor does enjoy a little stint on Facebook or Twitter from time to time. (This invariably leads to finger-blisters for the Imperial Scribe who keeps a list of dictated future decrees.) But, for the love of ME, people, could you stop posting vapid, pedestrian, mediocre excerpts from song lyrics that a three-year old could have churned out during an inspired potty squeege? Sweet Jesu — what compels a person to take the time to type up “Yeah, baby — yeah; you’re mine and I’m yours and that’s the way it will always be”? This is such a good lyric that it had to be electronically broadcast to the world? This made you sit up and say, “Wow — that’s deep. I must share this.” Cripes. Meanwhile, Johnny Mercer dwells in Facebook obscurity — in the dark refuse pile of the un-tweeted — despite having written: [Read more →]

art & entertainmentbooks & writing

Animal Cruelty and enormous breasts, or: more fun with Alejandro Jodorowsky

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Recently I reviewed The Incal, the epic psychedelic space opera from the all-round holy madman Alejandro Jodorowsky and French comics master Moebius. It is, as I said, good to a consciousness-scrambling degree. But Jodorowsky has many other works available in English, and today I draw attention to two of them, one of which dates from the beginning of his comics career and the other of which appeared at what we must assume is close to the end of it, given that he is now 83. [Read more →]

moviesreligion & philosophy

I didn’t like Avatar, but is James Cameron really a terrorist?

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Yesterday, a speaker at protests in London, against Google/YouTube’s refusal to remove The Innocence of Muslims, said, “Terrorism is not just people who kill human bodies, but who kill human feelings as well. The makers of this film have terrorised 1.6 billion people.”

I hate having my feelings killed as much as the next human does, but I hardly think James Cameron is a terrorist. Roland Emmerich, on the other hand…

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten least popular new television shows

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10. America’s Funniest Postcards

9. Law and Order: CSI: NCIS:

8. 48 Hour History

7. So You Think You Can Play Pachinko

6. How I Met Your Accountant

5. America’s Next Top Heavy

4. The Sitcom with No Gay Characters

3. The X Chromosome

2. Dancing with the Has-Beens

1. Innocence of Muslims
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainment

Thoughts inspired by Larry Wachowski’s sex change

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Recently, I saw a post on Facebook from someone who had learned of Osama Bin Laden’s assassination an entire year after it happened. As a well informed American, he was shocked that he had initially missed the story. I’ve never missed news as big as Bin Laden’s death (as far as I know), but I can relate. I was just as shocked when I learned recently from a New Yorker article on the upcoming Cloud Atlas Movie  that the Wachowski Brothers are now the Wachowski Siblings and Larry is now Lana.

What concerned me on learning about the “siblings” was not the news (who really cares?), it was the thought that I may be out of touch. [Read more →]

religion & philosophytelevision

How the psychedelic shows of your youth affect your mind today

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Have you ever tried to track down something you saw on TV as a kid, just to see if it was even real? Many of us are occasionally haunted by snippets of movies and shows we vaguely remember watching when we were children. We may wonder if these memories ever really happened, or if they were dreams. Especially when the memories seem incredibly bizarre! Having grown up in the 70s, I caught a lot of psychedelic stuff on TV as a kid that I’ve become obsessed with tracking down as an adult. Why? Discovering forgotten moments from our youth is the closest thing we have to time travel. We get to relive an experience we had and to see what actually happened. Sometimes, we may even be shocked to find that the story from way back then provides an answer to our lives now. [Read more →]

race & culturetelevision

This would be the greatest reality TV show of all time

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Preface: Since their invention, popularization, and herpes-like spread across the landscape of television, I have maintained an unwavering attitude of blind, unadulterated hatred toward reality TV shows and the viewers who allow their existence to continue. I actually pass rash judgement on the overall character of people who watch things like Jersey Shore. It’s profoundly ironic based on what follows in this piece, but it’s nothing short of absolute bigotry and I don’t care. I would rather spend all the years of my existence trying to take my own life via repeated blows to the head with a plastic spoon than become someone who spends his time staring at a television to watch other people spend their time and possibly also stare at a television. So when I suggest that something would make for a great reality show, I say that purely in a fictional sense. Should a program like this ever be televised, I would feel at least partially responsible and, as punishment, would reach for the nearest Dixie utensil. You may now proceed.

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animalsart & entertainment

Deep goes the rabbit hole

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Recently I watched Sexy Beast for the zillionth time and got to thinking:

Creepy Rabbit People are effective tropes.

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getting oldermusic

If music be the food of nostalgic embarrassment, play on

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At the age of 27, I have an iTunes library that more closely resembles someone who’s already outlived the national average life expectancy. The sections of Robert Johnson, Elmore James, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, and the three Kings (Albert, Freddie, and B.B.) alone probably comprise something like twelve days of music. God could create the heavens and the earth again and still not be out of the ’60s.

But my digital music collection is just the way I like it. I’ve got everything I love and almost nothing I don’t. Sure, individual songs like  T.I.’s “Whatever You Like” inevitably infiltrate my anti-garbage firewall (read: are added by friends to annoy me), but they’re nothing a “delete” key can’t fix. It’s wonderful. And it’s awful. The digital age has enabled my music library to reflect Current Me, and in a certain way, that’s a real shame for today’s youth.

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