It is impossible to “spoil” something that is already rotten. However, the following post contains specific plot information about the film “The Dark Knight Rises,” so if you haven’t yet seen the film (don’t!) and you don’t want to know what happens in the film (trust me, you don’t!), then read no further.
There is a great deal of irony in the title “The Dark Knight Rises.” The character of Batman cannot rise above this material, and so the character sinks. The film is completely nonsensical and ludicrous, so the film itself sinks, hard. The acclaim afforded the film shows a decline in critical thinking, in particular among fanboys and geeks; fandom sinks. And each of Christopher Nolan’s Batman films has declined in quality. The franchise sinks.
“The Dark Knight Rises” is the worst Batman film of all time. It is worse than Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin.” It is worse than “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody.” It is worse than Leslie Martinson’s “Batman” film from 1966. It’s worse than “The Dark Knight Raises.” [Read more →]
The first time I was given advice about the importance of forgiveness was at the most unlikely of places: an advertising school I was attending in Atlanta. The school had brought in speaker Joey Reiman—a very successful advertising executive who ran his own agency. Almost immediately, I could tell this man had a lot of wisdom, but it was towards the end of his presentation when something he said really resonated with me. [Read more →]
The Amazing Spider-Man is the newest movie to spin a web of excitement around our hearts. It stars Andrew Garfield, of Facebook Is Ruining Our Culture, and Emma Stone, from the Jim Carrey video, as the star-crossed lovers of the title. It is so good, I haven’t actually seen it, because it is too precious to be seen. The most pure way to experience a great film like this, with all its action and romance, is to only dream about it rather than see it, which is what I did.
The villain of the film is Lizard Man. He was born without arms, so he uses his toes to buy vegetables and play guitar. [Read more →]
Recently I was mildly surprised to hear that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced. Why, only a few days before I had read an interview in People magazine in which Cruise kept banging on about “Kate” and his daughter Suri, and how he was looking forward to a happy 50th birthday celebration with his family. And then this Tuesday Tom turned 50, alone… How could it all have gone so wrong so quickly?
I’ve had a soft spot for Cruise since 2002, a year I spent exclusively watching movies made by one of the Toms, either Cruise or Hanks. I was forced into this because I was living in Russia, where English language movies were in short supply. A recent encounter with a preposterous French movie entitled Trouble Every Day had led me to the epiphany that while bad art house films were just that, even the worst Hollywood movies at least had high production values. It was time for a Tom. [Read more →]
Disney taught us that, “when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.” Unfortunately, if your dream is to have both of your parents live to see you succeed, you’re sheer out of luck. In fact, of Disney’s forty full-length animated features from 1937 until 2000, I know of only one where the protagonist’s parents remain alive for the entire film.* Then there’s the fact that just about every super-powered hero is an orphan. If this isn’t bad enough, one or both of the hero’s adoptive parents often dies too! Superman lost his adoptive dad, Spider-Man lost his uncle, and Luke Skywalker lost both his aunt and uncle. With the Amazing Spider-Man movie set for release this summer, and that movie actually exploring the mysterious back-story about Peter Parker’s real parents, I thought it would be a good time to delve into the topic of why so many of our heroes—both super and animated—are orphans, and what the message means for all of us. [Read more →]
This Friday, the dreams of every single diehard comic book fan who has ever lived will finally come to fruition, when a little movie called THE AVENGERS opens in the United States. Maybe you’ve heard of this film. It’s only going to be the BIGGEST and the GREATEST film ever made! And it’s not just the so-called “fanboys” who are excited. Critics have given the film an overwhelmingly positive response (the Avengers Tomatometer is currently at 94%).
Most critics, that is. A select few have decided to play the troll and unfairly criticize this masterpiece of cinema. How do I know their criticism is unfair? Because ANY criticism of this film is unfair. And even if there are only a handful of these unfair reviews, they could still derail this film, that only has about a squillion dollars worth of marketing and licensing behind it, and only about 100% total population awareness. Thankfully, RottenTomatoBot isn’t afraid to stand up and protect this film, with his withering and biting comments on these negative reviews. Below we see the RottenTomatoBot standing up for each member of the Avengers, with RTB’s dialogue taken directly (verbatim, misspellings included!) from Rotten Tomatoes Avengers critics message boards and from these comments sections over at the New York Post.
(Click the images to embiggen.)
Too often, the best thing about a movie is the music. It is almost impossible to imagine a great film without the music. The closest thing to ‘classical music’ being written today is for the movies. Those three thoughts have occurred to me so many times through the years that I am surprised at myself for never having thought to construct a list of my favorite movie music until now. But then again, until recently, I did not have access to Spotify. [Read more →]
In a New York Press article from August of 2011, film producer and director Tommy Pallotta, said, “I am a fan of audience participation, but I also think audiences like to be told a story. There’s this thing video game designers call a ‘golden path’—there’s a definite way that the majority of people are going to experience the game, and the designers plot that. A lot of the interactivity in a video game is really just the illusion of interactivity. It’s about engaging the audience and giving at least the feeling of volition. But as the artist you have the sense that you are, in some way, controlling it, blending the craft of storytelling with the illusion of agency.” In other words, in a game you think you are controlling the action, but really it’s already been pre-programmed. Kind of like what we think of as destiny. In fact, maybe that’s exactly what destiny is: the path we are meant to take in order to have the most fulfilling experience. [Read more →]
10. “Billy Crystal’s hosting? What, was Letterman busy?”
9. “For Jack and Jill, I thought Adam Sandler would be nominated for Best Actor and Best Actress.”
8. “The Tree of Life is up for a new award: Most Cryptic.”
7. “Somebody told me the stars of The Artist actually know how to speak!”
6. “George Clooney and Brad Pitt? What category is this, Most Hunky?”
5. “I thought The Iron Lady was such a lame sequel to Iron Man!”
4. “I want to see Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese duke it out!”
3. “This thing is lasting longer than a Kardashian marriage.”
2. “I love the new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”
1. “I hear in their next film, Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are going to play each other!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Kudos to the city council and mayor of Los Angeles, California for exhibiting rare leadership by mandating that pornographic film actors wear condoms when they make their films within the LA city limits.
With just a few strokes of his pen, the mayor has saved literally dozens of lives, probably. Actually, it’s probably millions of lives, because now not only will the performers in pornographic films be completely protected from uncovered penises, but the people who watch pornographic films will be reminded of how great condoms are, and they will emulate their pornographic film performer heroes and put them on when they engage in their own coitus. [Read more →]
10. It’s Larry the Cable Guy’s first dramatic turn
9. Your movie was the basis for the television show “Working It”
8. It stars either Smurfs, gnomes, or chipmunks
7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle
6. The jury at Cannes recommended the death penalty
5. It’s called Incredibly Quiet and Extremely Far Away
4. During its in-flight run, people kept walking out
3. Like The Artist, it’s a silent film, but only due to a technical error
2. Instead of Meryl Streep, it stars Merle Haggard
1. In his review, Roger Ebert said he wished he had more than two thumbs to put down
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
On Sunday, I was leafing through People when I spotted somebody I used to work with in the gossip pages. Apparently she’s dating a movie star and they are about to get married.
The fact that she was marrying a movie star didn’t shock me so much (her sister is a well-known actress) but rather that somebody I knew had made it into the pages of a tabloid. A law of nature had been violated: celebrity magazines should contain pictures of people I don’t know, like Angelina Jolie, or Jennifer Aniston, or Michael Jackson’s (ex) doctor. [Read more →]
10. Homo for the Holidays
9. Makin’ Gravy
8. Deep Turkey
7. Pull My Wishbone!
6. Debbie Does Plymouth
5. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Gay Pride Parade
4. Butter Balls
3. Do You Want A Breast Or A Thigh?
1. Go Ahead and Stuff It!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Dear Executives of Film,
The other day, I was at the movies when a PSA flashed on the screen before the previews. It was a plea from theater owners who are doubtlessly lamenting the move of their audience from the movie theater to their own living room thanks to game changers like Netflix and OnDemand. The PSA was actually pretty effective- there is something huge and remarkably profound that gets loss in the move from big screen to small screen. But I was shaking my head because it seems that you are all still missing the point regarding why we’ve, largely, stepped away from the movies. [Read more →]
By now you have no doubt heard that according to astronomers and anthropologists, December 21, 2012 correlates to the “end” of the Mayan calendar. And, despite having repeatedly heard about this for many, many years now, it is also very probable that you still have no idea exactly what this means. The reason is because it’s very complicated. To even begin to understand it you need to look to the Mayan myths of the Sacred Tree and understand their incredibly complex Long Count calendar of tuns, k’atuns, and b’aktuns as well as their concepts of the Great Cycle, the Great Great Cycle, and cycles within cycles. You’d also need to understand astronomical occurrences involving the precession of the equinoxes and the conjunction of the sun at the intersection of the plane of the ecliptic and the Milky Way. You can do all that, or, you can simply read my interpretation of this summer’s Green Lantern movie, which shares the same message as the Mayan mythology. [Read more →]
Recent demonstrations by the disaffecteds occupying Wall Street and calling themselves the 99%, coming as they have on the proverbial heels of another populist revolt, the TEA Party, suggest that one thing is clear: people on the left and the right have had it with the status quo in Washington D.C…
…or have they?
Not likely…and I blame The Lion King. [Read more →]
Shark Night, 3D came out a few months ago, you know. I saw in a preview commercial — just one time. Didn’t go out to see it. What I gathered is this: it is a movie about a night with lots and lots of sharks who come at you in 3D. Oh, and there are girls in bikinis — who, I imagine, come at you in 3D as well, but that is neither here nor there.
It might have been a great movie (though I doubt it). [Read more →]
You know what I am sick of? George Lucas bashing. That’s what I am sick of. That said, I don’t think George Lucas is the Jesus of movie makers. I like Star Wars well enough. I really like Indiana Jones. The guy is great, but I’m not going to declare him the Shakespeare of Hollywood. He makes good, entertaining films with enough depth that they hold up for numerous viewings. What more can you ask?
But can we admit something, please? The original Star Wars trilogy is not the apex of film-making. Are those films the equals of Citizen Kane or Lawrence of Arabia or, heck — Schindler’s List? No. Of course they are not. [Read more →]