This Friday, the dreams of every single diehard comic book fan who has ever lived will finally come to fruition, when a little movie called THE AVENGERS opens in the United States. Maybe you’ve heard of this film. It’s only going to be the BIGGEST and the GREATEST film ever made! And it’s not just the so-called “fanboys” who are excited. Critics have given the film an overwhelmingly positive response (the Avengers Tomatometer is currently at 94%).

Most critics, that is. A select few have decided to play the troll and unfairly criticize this masterpiece of cinema. How do I know their criticism is unfair? Because ANY criticism of this film is unfair. And even if there are only a handful of these unfair reviews, they could still derail this film, that only has about a squillion dollars worth of marketing and licensing behind it, and only about 100% total population awareness. Thankfully, RottenTomatoBot isn’t afraid to stand up and protect this film, with his withering and biting comments on these negative reviews. Below we see the RottenTomatoBot standing up for each member of the Avengers, with RTB’s dialogue taken directly (verbatim, misspellings included!) from Rotten Tomatoes Avengers critics message boards and from these comments sections over at the New York Post.

(Click the images to embiggen.)

Too often, the best thing about a movie is the music. It is almost impossible to imagine a great film without the music. The closest thing to ‘classical music’ being written today is for the movies. Those three thoughts have occurred to me so many times through the years that I am surprised at myself for never having thought to construct a list of my favorite movie music until now. But then again, until recently, I did not have access to Spotify.

I grew up, for the most part, in and around New York City in the 1950′s and 60′s. That fact, and the six television stations we clearly received off the roof antenna, combined with the desperate need for those stations to fill air time and sell commercials, meant that we were blessed by the Late Show, and then the Late Late Show on the CBS affiliate channel 2, Saturday Night at the Movies on NBC channel 4, The Movies on WNEW channel 5, Sunday Night at the movies on ABC channel 7, The Million Dollar movie on Channel 9, assorted ‘B’ movies on WPIX channel 11 and an endless variation of presentations across the broadcast hours which at that time went late into the night.

Movies were mercilessly cut to fit the available procrustean time periods, maximizing the number of commercials. There were no DVDS, no tapes, and no alternatives — all while my desire to avoid homework had no bounds.

In the late 1950′s, Columbia, Paramount and Twentieth Century-Fox, strapped for cash, sold the broadcast rights to much of their then recent product to television. Other studios followed suit — selling their own children to feed the ogre — and what we got to see of those films had to fit into less than the 90 minutes available after commercials were sold. Often, the most coherent part of a given film remaining once key scenes were lopped away was the recurring score by a Max Steiner (Casablanca), Erich Korngold (Captain Blood), Franz Waxman (Flash Gordon), Bernard Hermann (Citizen Kane), Victor Young (Roman Holiday), or Elmer Bernstein (The Man with the Golden Arm).

Using the website, Spotify, to listen again to the original music alone for those many movies that I have loved over many years, and in context to the music of other films I have little affection for, but without the distraction of visual images, dialog, story, much less the work of the actors, offered a whole new perspective.

Most disturbing was my discovery that many composers reused so much thematic material again and again. Even worse, some that I remembered as being great, were only so-so by comparison to many fabulous and more recent efforts

At first, the list became enormous and just as unwieldy.

I set some guidelines. Reasonable ones, I think.

I eliminated all musical scores written for the stage. The Sound of Music is a great score, but it wasn’t written for film. Certainly much great film music was written for another medium, and was re-used for film. A borrowed song or two may be fine, but I could not credit an entire score molded elsewhere.

In a chicken and egg sort of way, which came first to the Beatles — the music for, ‘A Hard Days Night ‘ or the film story of ‘Hard Days Night,‘ and how does all of it hold up against that one song ‘Jailhouse Rock,’ by Leiber and Stoller?

There were many fabulous pieces of music written for the movies which, by themselves, did not constitute a film soundtrack, or alone, were the best music of an otherwise fairly mediocre score. I think of Chaplin’s gorgeous Limelight, repeating over and again.

Much of what constitutes most soundtracks is simply boring or uninteresting — filler — or worse, an attempt to add significance to moments which are otherwise lacking in sufficient cinematic power to tell the story. Some of it is painfully repetitive over the course of a film and loses the initial effect before the house lights come up. After all, it was the other stuff, the acting and the images, etc., that we originally came for, wasn’t it?

I can’t really enforce my guidelines on anyone else, but I ask you to consider: are two great musical pieces like ‘Thus Spake Zarathustra’ by Richard Strauss and ‘Blue Danube Waltz’ by Johann Strauss enough to make the soundtrack for ’2001, a Space Odyssey‘ a great film score no matter how well adapted they are? If so, Walt Disney’s ‘Fantasia ‘ has a better score.

Or, alternatively, can you sit down to enjoy the music for ‘Psycho,’ just about any time at all? I suppose that is a state of mind, like enjoying ‘Purple Rain.’ I just can’t or don’t. Or both.

And what about October, by Shostakovich? I’ve never met anyone who has seen the film, so it’s hard to judge. The music is available and it’s pretty good, as you might imagine.

And I admit, I do give extra weight to symphonic music over songs. Still, some songs are just great music.

I love Morricone’s score for The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, but it reaches parody so quickly. As much as I love Horner’s The Rocketeer, when I listened to it again, I found I could not put it above his Braveheart. Besides, I’m one of only six people I know who ever saw The Rocketeer and three of those are in my own family, but EVERYONE has seen Titanic, except me. And so it will continue to be. I am the kind of fellow who has waited thirty years for Tom Waits to clear his throat after seeing One From the Heart.

Now, having constructed such a list, what am I to do with it? Share it, of course!

I have been sharing my opinions about books for about fifty years. Trouble is, so few people actually read for pleasure these days, and those who do are often in such narrow ruts. Movies are more important to the pop culture than my mouldy auld books, anyway. Why not just go with it? After all, everyone has the right to my opinion. And what better thing to argue about? Politics? Forgetaboutit.

I don’t think it is any accident that every score I adore is composed by someone(s) who has written more good stuff. Think of Miklos Rozsa’s ‘Spellbound,’ and then ‘Double Indemnity,’ and never mind the singular works of ‘Ben Hur ‘ and ‘El Cid.’ But then there is ‘Ivanhoe,’ where the music is easily the best part. Do you like John Williams’ score for Star Wars better than Indiana Jones? Does his borrowing of motifs from past composers bother you? How about his borrowing from himself? But then, the great Hans Zimmer does that too.

When I decided to cut my list to 12, I also decided to eliminate any duplication of composers so that I could cover a few more of these great artists who have given me so much pleasure. Yes, there were other scores by the same composer that I liked better than the best by someone else, but then I could say the same thing if I offered a list of my favorite authors rather than my favorite books.

Trouble was, I couldn’t fit all my eggs in the egg box.

And what about For Whom the Bell Tolls by Victor Young? Where is Chariots of Fire by Vangelis? Did I ever hear How to Train Your Dragon by John Powell? Don’t I like the Steve Jablonsky score for The Transformers better than Hans Zimmer’s King Arthur, over all. (Not over all.) And, am I out of my mind–what about Nino Rota’s The Godfather ? And even better, Godfather II ?!?

At last, I cut it down to a lit major’s dozen . . . plus five.

Here is my list (alphabetically, not preferentially):

Adventures of Robin Hood : Erich Wolfgang Korngold (1938)

Braveheart : James Horner (1995)

Cinema Paradiso : Ennio Morricone (1988)

Dances With Wolves : John Barry (1990)

Giant : Dimitri Tiomkin (1956)

Gladiator  : Hans Zimmer , Lisa Gerrard (2000)

Gone With the Wind  : Max Steiner (1939)

Last of the Mohicans : Randy Edelman / Trevor Jones (1992)

Lawrence of Arabia  : Maurice Jarre (1962)

Lord of the Rings : Howard Shore (2001)

Magnificent Seven : Elmer Bernstein (1960)

North by Northwest : Bernard Hermann (1959)

The Quiet Man : Victor Young (1952)

Singing in the Rain : Arthur Freed and Nacio Herb Brown (1952)

Spellbound : Miklos Rozsa (1945)

Star Wars :The Empire Strikes Back : John Williams (1980)

The Wizard of Oz : Harold Arlan and E.Y Harburg (1939)

So now tell me, what have I forgotten? Where did I go wrong? I’d really love to hear it . . . Really.

In a New York Press article from August of 2011, film producer and director Tommy Pallotta, said, “I am a fan of audience participation, but I also think audiences like to be told a story. There’s this thing video game designers call a ‘golden path’—there’s a definite way that the majority of people are going to experience the game, and the designers plot that. A lot of the interactivity in a video game is really just the illusion of interactivity. It’s about engaging the audience and giving at least the feeling of volition. But as the artist you have the sense that you are, in some way, controlling it, blending the craft of storytelling with the illusion of agency.” In other words, in a game you think you are controlling the action, but really it’s already been pre-programmed. Kind of like what we think of as destiny. In fact, maybe that’s exactly what destiny is: the path we are meant to take in order to have the most fulfilling experience.

Call it destiny, fate, or providence; the idea of “the golden path” is deeply rooted within our culture, consciousness, and subconsciousness. For most of us, the metaphor was implanted in our minds during The Wizard of Oz. We watch as Dorothy is told by a fairy godmother of sorts to follow the yellow brick road. On that road, she meets a cast of characters who help her on her journey. Sometimes, the road splits, sometimes she strays from it—often meeting with dire consequences, and sometimes, the road seems to go in circles. But in the end, that path leads Dorothy on a journey that allows her to grow so that she can handle the challenges of life, and go home. Of course, Dorothy later finds out she could’ve gone home all along, but on some level we understand that the point of her adventure was the journey, not the destination.

Similar to The Wizard of Oz, it often feels like we are on our own golden path. When we’re on it, we meet the people and encounter the events that help us to achieve our objectives. When we wander from the path or lose our way, we struggle, until we either find it again or are pushed there—often against our conscious will. Whether this golden path concept is a metaphor for how life really works or a literal example of our reality actually being some kind of video game, is not as important as understanding that the path, does in fact, exist.

In The Power of Myth, Bill Moyers asks writer and mythologist Joseph Campbell if he ever had a sense as though he were being helped by “hidden hands.” Campbell said he felt this way all the time and that, “if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

Unfortunately, due to the challenges of life, this isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s almost never easy. But how fun would a game be if it were? Satisfaction from anything is nearly always directly proportional to how much of a challenge it was to complete. In addition to the challenges that are on our path, unlike Dorothy, we have the additional challenge of not being able to see whether we are actually on it or not. The key is to focus on the goal. Put all your mind, heart, and soul into whatever it is you want to do and the path will form under your feet. This doesn’t mean that everything will flow smoothly once you’re on it. We often need to grow in order to get to where we want to go, and just like a muscle or coal that is crushed into a diamond, it takes stress to grow.

Focusing on the goal not only helps you to create a path to take you there, it also helps you to ride the daily ups and downs of life without being carried away with them. As Rabbi Simon Jacobson wrote in his article, “The Story Behind The Story”, “You and I do not know the script of our lives. Sometimes what appears as bad news for the moment (or more than a moment) can turn into the greatest blessing. And sometimes it’s the other way around.” While we do not know the script for our lives, I believe that in the version that’s meant to air, it concludes with us achieving our wildest dreams. Just like the programming of a video game, our destiny is written with a path for success. I don’t think it’s anyone’s destiny to fail miserably. That’s not to say that everyone’s life is meant for a happy ending, but that everyone’s life is meant for a fulfilling conclusion. It is the design of our destiny for us to succeed! Much like the audience of a movie or the player of a video game character, God, the universe, fate, or whatever you want to call WANTS you to win! Believing that is your first step towards making it a reality.

We live in some challenging times. And many of us may find it very difficult to believe that the powers that be are rooting for us. Sometimes, life gives us a real beating and we may be tempted to give up—or may have already given up—on reaching our dreams, assuming we even know what our dreams are.

In the movie Hugo, the protagonist says that he feels very sad when he sees a broken machine because it can’t do what it was designed to do. I have to admit to getting teary-eyed at that line because I know so many broken machines, and I myself am probably pretty rusted and just barely able to function at probably 1% of what I was designed to do. Many of us broken or damaged machines have stopped believing that there’s an important role for us in this world, but deep down I know that all of us were designed to do something or else we wouldn’t be here. Hugo comes to this realization when he begins to see the entire world as a huge machine and since they don’t make machines with extra parts, he must be meant to serve some purpose. There must be some function he plays that helps the machine to work.

Hugo was part of my New Year’s Day movie marathon that I saw this year. The marathon also included Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows. Like many of the movies I see in close proximity to one another, they all fit together in a little puzzle. Hugo is about a kid searching for a key to fit a lock that he thinks will reveal a secret message from his dead dad. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is about a kid that is searching for a lock to fit the key that he thinks will reveal a secret message from his dead dad. And the Sherlock Holmes film, well, that whole movie is about unraveling clues in “a game of shadows.” The lock and key is a metaphor for our destiny, the dead dad is symbolic for the messiah or God who gave it to us, and the clues represent the providence or guidance we receive when we believe it’s out there, waiting for us to find. Lastly, the obstacles and shadows in this game are the challenges we must overcome to win.

Almost magically, the hidden hands set it up so that I would see these movies together shortly before finally reading that five-month-old article from the New York Press—a paper I almost never pick up but for some reason was compelled to do so that day. In combination, these elements gave me the idea to write this installment of my blog, so that you would just happen to read it to help you do whatever you are meant to do in your life. And if I were to guess, I’d say that this article is exactly what you needed to hear right now or it wouldn’t have found its way to you. Surely, you have better things to do than read a rambling article from some guy who thinks movies and TV are talking to us. But it turned out that it just may have been the best thing you did all day.

Whenever I see similar elements between TV shows and movies, it’s an indication to me that they connect or continue a message from one to the other. When Lost concluded in May of 2010, I began my search for the show that would serve as the next vehicle for the message it had conveyed to the masses—a kind of media Dalai Lama that could continue to tell the story and impart the wisdom where Lost had left off. Unfortunately, instead of finding just one show, there seems to have been dozens, all with a slightly different variation of Lost’s themes. Shows like Flash Forward, V, The Event, Alcatraz, and others all shared themes and often times actors from the series, connecting them. But after watching the pilot episodes of Fox’s Touch (featuring Lost’s Man In Black, Titus Welliver) and NBC’s Awake (with Dylan Minnette who played Jack Shephard’s imaginary son on Lost), I feel that these shows will contain more of the messages we are quickly evolving to hear.

Lost left off with the message about how the universe gives us clues, that we are all connected, and that each of us plays a role in helping others on their journeys (each machine part helps the entire machine work). Touch starts off showing how we can be more conscious of these connections and play a more active role in the “road map” (aka, golden path) of the world. The appearance of Titus Welliver, number patterns, and a winning lottery ticket in the show serves a function deeper than just attracting Lost’s audience. It connects the two shows together like a big puzzle. On the big screen, Hugo, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and The Adjustment Bureau also share these themes about the “hidden hands” making everything fit together. In the bigger screen of our world, the recent KONY 2012 phenomenon is helping to bring millions of people together in an attempt to help others who are in trouble. While the campaign has received a number of critiques, I think its biggest value has been in showing the power we have when we all join together with a single focus. The mythological message of Touch—of a young boy using technology (cell phones) to help various strangers all over the world—existed as an energetic path ready to be explored. It was then channeled  by modern day shaman (TV writers) and put into a mass media myth for us to subconsciously radiate, creating a continual cycle that feeds itself and creates more incidents to manifest it into our reality.

The next myth we’ll soon see manifesting comes from Awake. This show explores the idea of the many-worlds theory or multiverse and, like Touch,  also deals with connecting patterns and numbers from unknown sources. All of these shows originated from ideas introduced into the mainstream by The Matrix which in turn evolved from Total Recall, which evolved from Tron, The Wizard of Oz, Alice In Wonderland, and all the way back to at least Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” from his work the Republic. And of course, even that story came from somewhere too, but that’s a topic for another post. The point is that one of the reasons why we are evolving is because our stories and modern-day myths are prodding us to do so.

If you walked up to the average person in 1995 and said that everything happens for a reason, that we are all connected, that our thoughts create our reality, or that the universe gives us clues about our destiny, they would have no idea what you were talking about. If you did the same today, they might not agree with you, but at least they will probably have heard about these themes before. But how often do we think about how The Celestine Prophesy, The Secret, The Matrix, Lost, A Beautiful Mind, and other movies, books, and TV shows introduced these themes into the popular consciousness? Hell, one of the reasons I think my generation (Generation X) is so open to these beliefs is because we were so influenced by a movie that taught us about a Force that was all around us—a Force that we could control if we let go and trusted our instincts. And that movie was very much influenced by Joseph Campbell and his “hidden hands”! It’s really kind of amazing how this all happens. The truth is all out there (X-Files) and as we become ready to hear it, those sensitive enough to hear it first channel it into stories that help us all understand a little more about how our world really works.

My hope is that we are on the verge of discovering what I’ve suspected this world is for many, many years: an illusion meant to give us a chance to discover ourselves and grow beyond. While there’s no consensus about this or any purpose of an illusionary world, thanks to recent progress made in quantum physics and mathematical formulations done on black holes, scientists are increasingly realizing that our world does seem to be an illusion or hologram. Discovering that nothing in this world is real may seem depressing at first, but I think its implications could be utopian in scope. After all, if we all knew this was some kind of a dream or illusion or game, we could all just have fun in it instead of continually killing ourselves taking it so seriously. I do believe that this illusion exists for a reason. But if its principles of golden paths and viruses and avatars work so similarly to those found in video games, then perhaps there are cheat codes, secret short cuts, and Easter eggs like those found in the games in our world.

Imagine being able to upgrade our world to Earth 2.0 where there is no more war, or download an app to your body so that you could fly or be invisible or any superpower. Perhaps The Matrix was right when it said that humans rejected the first paradise it created because we all have a need to suffer. Perhaps that’s why we’re even here: a perfect life is boring. But perhaps if we can evolve ourselves to the point where we want to grow beyond just satisfying our own needs, then we can stand to live in a perfect world. And perhaps following each of our golden paths will help us to get there.

The New York Press article that inspired me to write this post is all about Transmedia, the new brand of storytelling “defined by works that combine the typical moviegoing experience with more interactive elements enabled by new media tools.” The article concludes by stating that “there are different ideas about the degree to which transmedia should genuinely enable audience participation rather than merely provide the illusion of such.” And that “which side wins out has yet to be seen.” Well, I’d argue that our world is living proof that the illusionary side won out. One day, our collective golden path will hopefully lead to a great unveiling where we discover that our world is one we have the ability to collectively control, and once we begin consciously doing so, are able to create a world that works for everyone. And once we get bored with experiencing that, we’ll just create another game to play in.

May your inner spark grow to light your way,

Marc

Marc Oromaner is a New York City writer whose book, The Myth of Lost offers an alternative solution to Lost and uncovers its hidden insight into the mysteries of life. He can be contacted on the wall of The Myth of Lost Facebook page or on his blog The Layman’s Answers to Everything.

The Myth of Lost is available on Amazon and barnesandnoble.com.

I love the Internet because it takes something as dull as the Academy Awards, and as dumb as the buzz over Angelina Jolie’s right leg and her Oscar dress, and gives us this:

This site includes user-submitted images of people doing the Angelina. You can also follow Angelina’s right leg on Twitter. That’s where I learned about legbombing. Is there any photo that isn’t improved by Angelina’s right leg?

Even Lady Liberty is more liberated when showing a little leg.

More pics are here. Or just Google “Angelina Jolie right leg.” Thank you, Internet.

10. “Billy Crystal’s hosting? What, was Letterman busy?”

9. “For Jack and Jill, I thought Adam Sandler would be nominated for Best Actor and Best Actress.”

8. “The Tree of Life is up for a new award: Most Cryptic.”

7. “Somebody told me the stars of The Artist actually know how to speak!”

6. “George Clooney and Brad Pitt? What category is this, Most Hunky?”

5. “I thought The Iron Lady was such a lame sequel to Iron Man!”

4. “I want to see Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese duke it out!”

3. “This thing is lasting longer than a Kardashian marriage.”

2. “I love the new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”

1. “I hear in their next film, Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are going to play each other!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Kudos to the city council and mayor of Los Angeles, California for exhibiting rare leadership by mandating that pornographic film actors wear condoms when they make their films within the LA city limits.

With just a few strokes of his pen, the mayor has saved literally dozens of lives, probably. Actually, it’s probably millions of lives, because now not only will the performers in pornographic films be completely protected from uncovered penises, but the people who watch pornographic films will be reminded of how great condoms are, and they will emulate their pornographic film performer heroes and put them on when they engage in their own coitus.

That is what you call a “win-win.”

I’m not going to pretend to know anything about pornographic films, myself. If I tried to talk to you about pornography, I’d come off like Mitt Romney talking about shooting “small varmints, if you will.” But I would like to think that seeing James Deen wrap up his pecker before sticking it into the buttocks of, oh let’s say Naomi Russell, would be a welcome development for the pornographic film connoisseur, of which I am not one. Seriously, if you presented me with a lineup of Tori Black, Stoya, Carmen Kinsley, Eve Lawrence, and Jennifer White and told me to tell you which of them was whom, I would probably not be able to tell you, especially if they weren’t wearing any makeup. I understand they all look different without makeup.

I don't know who this is.

It’s just not my world, you see. As far as I know, the letters “ATM” stand for “Automated Teller Machine,” and nothing else. The only “Bang Brothers” I know are Archie and Chester Bang, of the Hampton Bangs. I met them while summering in the Hamptons in my long-ago youth. Oh, the times we had! That special summer I learned the true value of the word “teamwork,” when I and Chester and Archie and Bobo and Fritzy and the Jimster all worked together to win the big regatta against an upstart team led by the son of the groundskeeper. I digress. Anyway, the LA government has been on this beat for awhile now:

Los Angeles County public health officials backtracked Tuesday on their statements last week that at least 16 unpublicized cases of HIV in adult film performers had been reported to them since 2004.

Despite their release of data to The Times describing the cases as “adult film performers,” the county’s top health official acknowledged that the agency does not know whether any of those people were actively working as porn performers at the time of their positive test.
…
County public health officials said they had mislabeled all reports from the AIM clinic as adult performers when, in fact, information about their occupation is unclear. Although the clinic was created primarily to serve the porn industry, it serves other clients.

I would also like to commend the Los Angeles city council for the money-saving steps they took in adopting this requirement without going to the mess and bother of holding an actual vote on the subject.

The city would have had to spend over $4 million to hold the election, and city officials said a decision to simply adopt the condom requirement allowed them to dodge that costly poll.

Los Angeles City Councilman Paul Koretz, who brought the measure, said he expected residents at the ballot box would have overwhelmingly approved the condom requirement, so it was a “no-brainer” to adopt it now.

“For us right now, our only real policy issue is do we spend $4 million and have this become law? Or do we not spend $4 million and have this become law?” Koretz said.

The LA city council is known for its frugality. They’re always looking for ways to save money. Not only does this save the city the cost of holding an election, it also saves the pornographic film companies the expense of mounting some kind of campaign to convince voters to let their workers decide for themselves whether they want to use condoms or not. It’s my hope that the city council will extend this money-saving practice to other “election” issues. For instance, it’s pretty clear that Barack Obama is going to carry Los Angeles. So why don’t they just pass a resolution saying that Barack Obama carried Los Angeles, and then spare the expense of holding an actual vote? The city council can use that money to go toward Los Angeles’s storied mass transit system.

As happy as I am that the city of Los Angeles has adopted this no-brainer condom mandate, I have to wonder why it is that the mayor and the city council are only looking to protect pornographic film performers? After all, they’re not the only ones having coitus. It’s my understanding that a lot of people who don’t actually film themselves also enjoy having sex. And yet, the city council has said to these people, “Go ahead and have unprotected sexual relations with each other! Go ahead and catch diseases. We don’t care! If we did, we’d pass a law mandating that everyone who has sex wear a condom!”

Oh, I’m being farcical. Obviously I don’t think that everyone who has sex should have to wear a condom. Just those who are not currently married. Think about it. These people are out having sex with who knows whom, catching who knows what kinds of diseases, and then we all end up having to pay for it.

I am tired of it. We have to do something about it.

People do not have the right to abuse themselves. We don’t allow people to take just whatever drug they want. We don’t allow people to sell their own organs. We don’t allow people to just walk on an airplane without being frisked. We don’t allow people to drive without wearing a seatbelt. We have decided — as a society — to make certain decisions for you. In case you’re too stupid to make the right one.

Just as I don’t want to have to pay for your lung cancer treatment because you smoked, just as I don’t want to have to pay for your diabetes or heart disease medicine because you’ve eaten too much fast food, just as I don’t want to pay for your drug treatment because you got addicted to the marijuana, so too I don’t want to pay for your Valtrex because you think you’re too “cool” to remain in a committed relationship with one single sexual partner for the rest of your life like society says is the right way to do things, and you signed that social contract when you were born here if you didn’t like it you should have been born elsewhere.

I am totally unbiased in this argument. I don’t know Sunny Lane from Faye Reagan, and if they and Lexi Belle invited me to engage in some MFFF action I wouldn’t know what the hell they were talking about. But I do believe in protecting people; especially those people who refuse to protect themselves in the manner that I know is best.

I don't know who this is, either.

10. It’s Larry the Cable Guy’s first dramatic turn

9. Your movie was the basis for the television show “Working It”

8. It stars either Smurfs, gnomes, or chipmunks

7. The opening and the closing credits meet in the middle

6. The jury at Cannes recommended the death penalty

5. It’s called Incredibly Quiet and Extremely Far Away

4. During its in-flight run, people kept walking out

3. Like The Artist, it’s a silent film, but only due to a technical error

2. Instead of Meryl Streep, it stars Merle Haggard

1. In his review, Roger Ebert said he wished he had more than two thumbs to put down
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

On Sunday, I was leafing through People when I spotted somebody I used to work with in the gossip pages. Apparently she’s dating a movie star and they are about to get married.

Wow.

The fact that she was marrying a movie star didn’t shock me so much (her sister is a well-known actress) but rather that somebody I knew had made it into the pages of a tabloid. A law of nature had been violated: celebrity magazines should contain pictures of people I don’t know, like Angelina Jolie, or Jennifer Aniston, or Michael Jackson’s (ex) doctor.

So, I thought if my former colleague can get in then why not me? All it takes is a chance encounter. Last week, for instance, I read about an actress on some cop show that left her rock musician husband for a pizza delivery boy. For three years she and the pizza boy lived together. I saw a picture of him with her on the red carpet. He looked embarrassed.

Actually, now that I come to think of it, this isn’t the first time I’ve been surprised like this. A few years back I was riding on a bus in Ukraine. Remarkably, the bus had a TV and a DVD player on it and for a few hours I watched a terrible Russian Die Hard knock-off in which Chechen terrorists took an entire circus audience hostage. Suddenly a dude I knew appeared on screen. He was playing an editor at CNN.

I was so startled I wanted to tell the other passengers: Hey, see that really bad actor on the screen, the big fat guy? I know him! But it would have meant nothing to them, so I kept silent.

That kind of thing used to happen to my brother all the time. He went to Cambridge University, which (along with Oxford) is where many of the people who run the UK’s media- politico-business establishment spend their wild youths taking drugs, sleeping with each other and sitting the occasional exam. Shortly after graduation he started seeing lots of people he had known showing up on children’s TV shows, writing for newspapers, or (in one instance) even co-writing a movie with Mel Gibson. Some of them were genuinely talented; just as many were hacks.

My brother was perplexed. Coming from a small town where nobody does anything or goes anywhere, he had naively spent his time at Cambridge getting a good education, not realizing that the actual purpose of the institution is to make lots of contacts within Britain’s nepotistic establishment. Doh!

As for me, I don’t know anyone famous. However, I have had a few encounters with the press whenever I’ve written a book. At first I hated posing for pictures so much I used a wooden effigy of myself instead. These days I wear a hat and dark glasses.

The truth however is that in Britain, and especially in America, writing a book is considered such an eccentric thing to do that you’re in no danger of becoming famous unless by some miracle you make a mountain of cash. But once I went to Poland for a book tour where some of the socialist era- reverence for the written word still remains. My first appearance was with a very famous Polish author. A TV crew had shown up and they wanted to talk to me. Why? I asked.

But that was only the beginning. Everywhere I went, I was interviewed. My face was in the papers. People knew who I was. It was a very strange sensation. Then I got home to Texas, where I resumed my position on the social ladder slightly above a homeless person- which was a relief, I can tell you.

That kind of attention, even on a small scale, can be very seductive. My ego was delighted in Poland. But just take a look at ancient rock stars like Mick Jagger, or Paul McCartney and you can see the deleterious effects of flattery on a person. Long after the creative spark has sputtered and died, these old codgers continue prancing about in public just so they can score another hit of the ultimate ego-boosting drug, adulation.

But back to my acquaintance in the gossip magazines: later that evening I was standing in line at the grocer’s when I picked up a copy of The National Enquirer. The cover screamed CELEBRITY PLASTIC SURGERY DISASTERS! and I couldn’t resist.

So there I was, reading about Britney’s great big chemical breasts, when I turned the page and… it was my ex-colleague again! This time the story was different though, she had been introduced to her fiancé not by her sister but rather MERYL STREEP!

Well, who was it? I wondered, my mind nearly cracking under the strain.

Guess I’ll have to buy next week’s issue to find out. Then again, I could just send her an email.

Originally published at RIA Novosti, the home of awesome

10. Homo for the Holidays

9. Makin’ Gravy

8. Deep Turkey

7. Pull My Wishbone!

6. Debbie Does Plymouth

5. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Gay Pride Parade

4. Butter Balls

3. Do You Want A Breast Or A Thigh?

2. Poke-ahontas

1. Go Ahead and Stuff It!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Dear Executives of Film,

The other day,  I was at the movies when a PSA flashed on the screen before the previews.  It was a plea from theater owners who are doubtlessly lamenting the move of their audience from the movie theater to their own living room thanks to game changers like Netflix and OnDemand. The PSA was actually pretty effective- there is something huge and remarkably profound that gets loss in the move from big screen to small screen. But I was shaking my head because it seems that you are all still missing the point regarding why we’ve, largely, stepped away from the movies.

We haven’t left the movies because of the prices and the sudden inconvenience of trekking to a neighborhood theater with sky-high gas prices (although none of this has helped). We’ve left because, frankly, you’re not telling the right stories.

You’re terrified of the “riskiness” of original stories

Sequels, prequels, remakes, movies adapted from video games and board games and old television shows. That’s what we get now. When Lion King was re-released and trounced the box office, you hurried to re-release other old Disney classics. We’re not flocking to them just because they’re familiar, guys. They’re just way better than the paltry family fare you’ve offered of late (with some notable exceptions from Pixar and Dreamworks). When’s the last time we saw a live-action family movie that didn’t star Johnny Depp as a pirate?

You’re lazy and greedy, a bad combination

Let’s thank 3D for exposing the ugliest of your ingrown hairs. When Avatar did wonders for movies in 3D, did we see an uptick in beautiful, big screen examples of the genre? No. You slapped on cheesy 3D effects on already terrible movies and asked us to pay $16 to see them. It was crude, insulting and now you’re paying the price.

And the biggest reason- you still don’t get us

When Bridesmaids came out, the public endured endless sound bites from executives like you about how you were scratching your heads over the fact that women actually like comedies too. You said the same things when the first installment of Sex and the City was released to blockbuster attendance. You said the same things when Something’s Gotta Give and It’s Complicated came out and were hits, despite the presence of (distinctly not 26 year old starlets) Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep on the marquee.  You sit and you stew over Tyler Perry’s prowess at the box office, wondering about his secret formula when anyone who visits the Apple Movie Trailers site can see it immediately- pages of movie posters featuring white people in various states of distress.

Imagine what it would do for movies if you suddenly started making original films that reflected the rest of America- family dramas and romantic comedies and action movies and horror flicks that also happen to be brimming with cultural identities other than that of the Caucasian Male. Why does a romantic comedy starring two Chinese-American leads have to feel like such an anomaly? Or, for that matter, why is it so mind-boggling to imagine an action movie with the heroes being from the Middle East, a family drama that focuses on the grandparents, a movie that’s set in Hawaii that doesn’t star Adam Sandler? How about just one big, tentpole movie that doesn’t simply relegate African Americans to the background or wisecracking sidekick roles?

Do you really think that I, as a white woman, can’t relate to the trials of human experience? And even if I find myself in a movie home that doesn’t resemble the one I was raised in, do you really think there’s nothing left to be learned from each other’s experiences? Movies taught me how to dream big. That’s why I’m so surprised to find you all thinking so small.

Movies are not dead. The theater where I saw that PSA, for instance, was decently filled for a random Wednesday night in November. There is still clamor and chatter online over new trailers for upcoming films, podcasts and blogs filled to the rafters with posts about movies, their stars and the stories behind them. We love movies and we will always love movies.

You’re right about one thing- it could be better. But until you start making (good, smart, original) movies for all of us, nothing will really change. And we will all continue to lose.

Officially stated for the record,

Judi