A quick programming note.

Lenora Claire and Justin Pearson, who have both been featured in When Falls the Coliseum‘s “Audio Files” column, will be on the Biography Channel‘s popular TV show My Ghost Story this Saturday.  Please consult your local programming guides for the correct time!

And have an outstanding weekend.

The most ghoulish thing you will see all week:

“It is now time for those that have been helped by Sylvia or the philosophy that she has brought to this life to help her by donating to her church. On behalf of Sylvia and everyone at Novus Spiritus we thank you for whatever support you can provide during this time of extreme need.”

I will pass on this opportunity to provide aid to someone in her leather-faced and desperate hour of need. However, if you’re interested in lending a hand, all manner of credit cards are accepted.

A brief-but-important announcement.

Gav Heryng, a friend to your humble servant (dating back to the wee days of blogging technology, e.g. 2003), has some scintillating work available here.

I implore everyone to purchase a copy. At $1.99, it’s a bargain.

When Falls the Coliseum is looking for bloggers to post commentaries, essays, rants, satire, and reviews about current events, politics, entertainment, culture, and many other topics from a broad range of personal and political perspectives. We appreciate both serious discussion and merciless mockery. We like humor — the funny kind. If you’re interested in being a regular contributor, visit our submissions page and tour our site (see FAQ, Welcome, and History). We don’t care if you are libertarian, liberal, conservative, other, or don’t pay attention to politics. As long as you can write posts that interest readers and you want to do so regularly, we’d like to hear from you. We’re looking to increase our coverage of movies, books, TV, video games, celebrity news, pop culture, politics, current events, social issues, online oddities.

When Falls the Coliseum is looking for bloggers to post commentaries, essays, rants, satire, and reviews about current events, politics, entertainment, culture, and many other topics from a broad range of personal and political perspectives. We appreciate both serious discussion and merciless mockery. We like humor — the funny kind. If you’re interested in being a regular contributor, visit our submissions page and tour our site (see FAQ, Welcome, and History). We don’t care if you are libertarian, liberal, conservative, other, or don’t pay attention to politics. As long as you can write posts that interest readers and you want to do so regularly, we’d like to hear from you. We’re looking to increase our coverage of movies, books, TV, video games, celebrity news, pop culture, politics, current events, social issues, online oddities.

I know. I really blew it. The thing is, I’ve just been really busy.

It all started last Monday when I was tying my boot. Everything was going to plan, when BOOM… the darn shoelace ripped right in half. This was something I had never experienced in my life. Now, I’ve been tying shoes for decades, mostly my own, and I have never seen one just give way under the sheer strain of being tied. Never ever. I still don’t believe it really happened.

I spent the rest of the afternoon that day finding every pair of shoes I could and trying my best to recreate the event. Six hours later I had yet to repeat the catastrophe. As many great scientists have said though, “all data is good data.” Or is it any data is data? It’s something about data. This is not important, however (although according to the phrase, it most certainly is).

I spent the better part of Tuesday trying to put “Lace-Gate” behind me. The best way to do this, I presumed, was to give up boot wearing altogether. Many great minds on many poor blogs have reported recently that footwear in general is a hindrance to human bodily health, and I for one have decided to take them at their word. And let me tell you, what a feeling it was to stroll the streets of my town with nothing between the earth and myself. I passed by a squirrel and I felt we shared a moment together, bonded by the lack of materials attached to our feet. What a joy to be this close to nature.

Wednesday was spent in the hospital receiving a tetanus shot.

Which brings me to Thursday. As I lay incapacitated in bed from the countless sores and cuts on my feet, I began to ponder the merits of a life lived “off the grid.” I had a brief conversation with myself.

“Yes. This is a wonderful idea.”

“But how will you accomplish such a feat? What thought have you given this?”

“Thought is of little importance.  We must act on instinct.”

With that I grabbed my computer and cell phone and took a taxi cab to the local lake (I am required not to walk for the next week). I proceeded to throw my belongings as far into the lake as I could muster the strength to. What release! It was like being reborn.  Maybe one day these electronic devices will decompose back to their original forms, and allow new creations to bloom from them. The circle of life. I had done it.

Which brings me to now, writing this at the e-station inside my local Burger King restaurant. I’m sorry I didn’t write a column this week.

Seldom in life, a man is given an experience that sticks with him forever. His wedding day, for one.  Maybe his Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps his Catholic Bar Mitzvah*.

No matter, really. The point is, we are not often given “bonuses” in life. We float along, and take the special moments given to us. We treasure them, and we try our hardest to hold on as tight as we can, knowing that eventually, we will all expire.

I never thought of myself as being special. It would never have dawned on me to believe otherwise. I have lived an average life and been all the better for it. Not once have I wished for something more, or even shown a grain of desire for fame and fortune.  No. I have lived happily and humbly.

Until yesterday, when I turned on the national news to find this:

Tropical Storm Matthew. Yes, that’s me. Every news station this side of the globe is screaming out my name. I can hardly contain myself.

I am here to announce my retirement from writing**. At present, I wait patiently by the phone for Diane Sawyer to call for my first interview. I have hired a financial planner, a lawyer, a manager, my manager’s lawyer, a driver, a son, three dogs, my second dog’s wife (also a dog, making four), and an entourage (yes, exactly like the kind on the show).

I appreciate you reading my final piece. The next time you see me will be on the cover of People Magazine, talking about my new wife Oprah.

*What is a Baptism?

**Just kidding.

My friend and colleague (and occasional When Falls the Coliseum contributor) Paula Marantz Cohen has a piece in the Huffington Post about her new novel, What Alice Knew: A Most Curious Tale of Henry James & Jack the Ripper. I just started reading the novel today. It’s good fun so far, with the first chapter containing a dinner scene that includes a drunk, bloated (he prefers “corpulent”), distracted Henry James having to put up with Oscar Wilde’s quips. I look forward to reading more and hope our readers will give Paula’s novel a look.

Writing in the Philadelphia Inquirer today, our Frank Wilson takes on Philly’s blogging tax — a business license fee being charged to bloggers who have ads on their sites, even if the ads only make them $5 a year.

Our very own Fred Siegel will be performing at the Philadelphia Fringe Festival. His first show is September 3rd. Get ticket information and a full schedule here. Fred has started a blog to promote his Fringe Festival participation: Man of Mystery. Please check it out.