Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinghis & hers

Top ten sex one-liners

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10. Women fake orgasms to have relationships, and men fake relationships to have orgasms.

9. My grandma told me that, when she was younger, she had to beat men off with a stick – so I guess sex was pretty kinky back then.

8. I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve woken up with a few.

7. I’ve just bought myself a sex doll, but I’m not going to use it for a couple days, because I don’t want to seem desperate.

6. Have you ever heard your neighbors having sex and thought to yourself, “Man, if they knew I was under their bed…”?

5. My wife was shocked when she found out I’d switched her vibrator with a taser.

4. My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday, so I guess they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

3. My wife laughed at me when I slipped on a banana peel but, in my defense, I was completely out of condoms.

2. Some people say the guy in my apartment complex who keeps having sex with fruit isn’t so weird, but I think he’s fucking bananas!

1. I organized a threesome last night and, despite a couple no-shows, I still had a great time.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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