Trump-Cruz wedding rocks presidential race

Love, like a large bear, is unstoppable, as the surprise marriage of leading Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz proves.

“Lyin’ Ted is now Lovin’ Ted,” Trump declared at the joint announcement of their union, before resuming gazing deeply into his soul mate’s squinty eyes.

“Same-sex marriage is fundamentally illegitimate, lawless, unconstitutional… and absolutely wonderful!” Cruz squealed as he attempted to run his hands through his life partner’s lustrous orange-y mane.

Leading political analysts acknowledged they were surprised by the development.

“The data did not indicate this,” said statistician Nate Silver. “Then again, there’s one event all my fancy numbers can’t predict: love. Come back to me, Sarah!”

Former opponents have been quick to offer congratulations, as presidential son/brother Jeb Bush requested that everyone “Please clap” and New Jersey governor Chris Christie was so moved he could only describe himself as “hungry.”

Ironically, one person not surprised by the events is their current opponent, Ohio governor John Kasich.

“You could feel the chemistry between them,” he said. “I mean, when they talked about each other’s wives, you could just see them thinking, ‘I wish I were her…‘

“Now they are.

“Let’s face it, they deserve each other.”

Kasich added, “Seriously, how am I losing to these guys?”

The wedding was reportedly a total classy affair with a strict no-losers policy, with the actual ceremony consisting of a simple exchange of rings followed by a 21-hour Cruz filibuster.

Attendees included Sarah Palin, Wayne Newton, and several African-Americans who were quickly removed from the premises.

As in 2005, Hillary Clinton was present for the Trump nuptials, noting simply: “As I have demonstrated to the American people many, many times before, my judgment is horrible.”