The Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to positive comments about “selfies”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. R-34-Z: We are not a vain Emperor. We are simply superior to all others.  This superiority is a Blessing from Above – a Blessing under which (to put it frankly) you, dear reader, do not fall. And while your benevolent Emperor will benevolently allow you to continue to post [to use the vernacular] “selfies,” He must place a ban against reactions to those selfies which might fuel the fire of conceit in the hearts of the mediocre masses. Therefore, We needs must ban a particular reaction to posted selfies. Ye may no longer respond with “Beautiful!” Instead, try to be more critical; perhaps point out a pimple or make a comment about evidence of a double chin that the subject is clearly trying to hide by looking unnaturally upward in the picture. Do not hesitate to say things like: “Why the hell are you doing that weird thing with your mouth?” or “Yeah – the way the light is hitting you definitely makes you look less fat. Good call!” or “FYI, humans, in Nature, never really stand like that” or “You know, you could really injure yourself working so hard to achieve cleavage.” Sometimes it’s best to be dry and straight forward, perhaps with a comment like, “That’s the picture you picked? That’s all you got?” While some may see this as judgmental and bordering on cruel, We see it as necessary. Too much self-esteem among the common rabble can lead to no good.

The Punishment: Those who comment encouragingly on posted selfies will have their portraits painted [naked, pre-tan, fully-frontal and in full sunlight, on the beach] by the Imperial Master of Photorealism. This portrait will then be inextricably electronically linked to the offender’s social media accounts for the rest of his or her miserable Earth-span.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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