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Top ten things your mother doesn’t want to hear on Mother’s Day

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10. “Mom, we kind of always assumed you were our father.”

9. “I’m taking you out to dinner, but we have to hurry; Taco Bell closes at nine.”

8. “What do you mean, ‘What is it?’ – It’s a nose hair trimmer!”

7. “Here’s all the ingredients for a fantastic Mother’s Day dinner. All you have to do is cook it!”

6. “And you are…?”

5. “Uncle Dad knows about us!”

4. “Of course these flowers aren’t stolen from a funeral home. That banner just means, when you go to bed tonight, I hope you rest peacefully.”

3. “Mom, I have a surprise for you: I’m adopted!!”

2. “Here’s your gift, Mom: a DVD of Oedipus Rex –you sexy thing you!”

1. “Honey, I’m afraid the kids now have a new Mom. Her name used to be Bruce.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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