Top ten reasons Charlie Manson’s wedding was called off

10. Bride-to-be Afton Elaine “Star” Burton refused to get a matching swastika tattoo on her forehead

9. All the voices in Charlie’s head kept screaming at him to call it off

8. The chapel organist didn’t know how to play “Helter Skelter”

7. Manson finally realized, “This bitch must be insane!”

6. Nobody was offering Star the opportunity to be in her own ‘non-reality show’

5. Corcoran State Prison officials wouldn’t let Manson invite his family

4. Star decided to postpone the wedding until after the apocalyptic race war leading to Manson’s being chosen Emperor of the World

3. Charlie ate the best man

2. Star realized she was confused – what she really meant to do was marry John Wayne Gacy

1. She finally looked Manson up on Wikipedia
 

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Bob Sullivan ^[3]

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus ^[4] (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 ^[5] and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

Latest posts by Bob Sullivan (Posts ^[6])

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