adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten driving tips

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10. DON’T KEEP SWITCHING LANES. Research has shown that changing lanes rarely gets you there faster in the long run, and so many accidents happen from changing lanes, especially if you’re all the way over to the left and want to move to the right, and there’s some guy to your right like half a car-length back, right in your blind spot.

9. WATCH OUT FOR THE OTHER GUY. if you’re that driver to the right of Driver #1, keep out of his blind spot as much as possible, but if you’re passing (and why are you passing on the left?) and are momentarily in his blind spot, be ready to tap on your brakes, swerve a little to the right, and maybe honk all at the same time!

8. LOOK AT THINGS HOLISTICALLY. If you’re to the right of Driver #2 while he’s passing Driver #1, be aware that he may suddenly swerve a little to the right.

7. CHECK THE WIDTH OF THE ROAD. If you’re to the right of Driver #3, please make sure you’re not driving on the shoulder!

6. KEEP DISTRACTIONS TO A MINIMUM. Hey, Driver #1, Driver #2, Driver #3, and Driver #4, if any of you are reading this Top Ten list while driving, pull over immediately, hitch a ride to the nearest town, turn in your driver’s license, and never drive again.

5. IF YOU DRIVE A SMART CAR, STAY OUT OF SAN FRANCISCO. Teams of vandals have been flipping the cars over onto their backs – so far with nobody still inside.

4. IF YOU DRIVE A MAZDA AND HAVE ARACHNOPHOBIA, WEAR PLENTY OF PADDING. You never know when you suddenly may be jumping out of the car while it’s doing fifty.

3. IF YOU DRIVE A GENERAL MOTORS CAR, BE PREPARED FOR UNSCHEDULED SUDDEN STOPS – IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY. Thirteen people have died so far due to a faulty GM ignition switch, though GM doesn’t owe their families a dime because the deaths all occurred before GM emerged from bankruptcy and had its liability slate wiped clean. Corporations aren’t people, they’re better than people; how many people do you know who can kill 13 real people and get away with it scot free?

2. KNOW THE LOCAL POLITICS. To avoid spiteful traffic delays, drive around New Jersey.

1. BE ALERT! We Need More Lerts!

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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