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Top ten ways the new hip progressive Pope Francis is celebrating Easter Sunday

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10. Instead of blessing everyone from his balcony, he’s doing his monologue from ground level, like Leno.

9. He’s inviting Benedict XVI over for an afternoon showing of Philomena.

8. He’s holding an Easter Egg Roll – not that kind – he’s just calling his local Chinese to order 3,000 egg rolls!

7. He’s starting his own Easter papal ‘white smoke’ tradition (wink wink), followed by a Council of the Cardinals discussion of how current Theological thinking fits in with today’s debate between String Theory and Loop Quantum Gravity.

6. He’s counselling some of his most confused priests that, during Easter, it’s perfectly okay to have an inordinate fondness for pastels.

5. He’s going to walk out with one of those really big papal hats, then fake everybody out and show it’s really a giant Easter egg standing on end!

4. He’s inviting all the archbishops over for a late-night showing of Nuns Gone Wild! (“Ankle slip!!”).

3. He will formally forgive the Easter Bunny and the Easter Chicken for whatever inglorious act they needed to commit in order to produce such lovely multicolored eggs!

2. He’s overseeing the instillation of the Vatican’s first drive-through confessional.

1. Just chillin’ with the wife and kids.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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