televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees and end to the growling announcer

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 444440: What’s with the trend of the growling announcer? — these TV narrators who chew their words and turn the letter S into “Sh”*, as they speak, and then end their sentences with growls? Have ye heard this, O observant minions? (It’s like James Hetfield changed careers, for Pete’s sake.) Look for these angry elocutors on ABC Family Channel and on car commercials and on Discovery channel. Is this just one guy, or another example of meatballs-for-heads nature of the average person? Oh! That is successful! I will imitate it exactly, instead of carving my own niche! And after that, I will write a book about a kid who goes to a wizard school and I will call him Larry Trotter! Oh, the Emperor will find out and then…

The Punishment: These grumbling goofballs will be given growling lessons by a real expert.  In small cage. That is locked.

*A special thank-you to faithful minion “azchurch” for reminding us about the annoying speech-trend of turning the letter S into “sh.” We blame the original 90210. (One is much better advised to spend time with 90125.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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3 Responses to “The Emperor decrees and end to the growling announcer”

  1. I am humbled by your mention of me in your column. Thank you, O Benevolent (and Wise) One!

    The “sht” sound is particularly prevalent and rampant in sports radio. I travel frequently for my job. Where I work in Southeastern Arizona by the International Border, there is often only a few English language radio stations that one can pick up in a vehicle. Two of them are sports radio talk. The personalities on both ESPN radio and CBS Sports are blatantly guilty of
    1) Gross overuse of and 2) Hideously annoying mispronunciation of the word “struggle.”

    Teams “shtruggle” against the pass. A pitcher “shtruggles” against a certain hitter. But while they may “shtruggle” against a zone defense, they have a “shtrong” run game and their “hishtory” against their opponent is good.

    Do we know why there are so many aggravating vocal trends that have surfaced in the past few years? I am old enough to remember the “Valley Girl” phase – there was actually a form of deprogramming that dealt specifically with Valley Girl talk in the early 80’s. I think we may have devolved to where even that kind of intervention is not feasible anymore.

    All Hail the Emporer!

  2. I think it might have a lot to do with living in a constant-connection world. There is so much exposure to speech patterns that it is easy for a person to find models and for those models to be repeatedly listened to so that is all sort of “sinks in.” I do thik some of the aping that goes on is involuntary. But that does not make it less annoying.

    Thanks again for reading and commenting. Keep this up and you might eventually be awarded a positon of significance in the Imperial infrastructure.

  3. I drive my patient and indulgent wife absolutely mad with my speech pattern observations. Now I can tell her that it has led to being recognized by a higher authority. Undoubtedly, she will be most impressed by this honor – if I can get her to stop running away from me.

    Onward to another commentary on speech in America…the word “right” is generally monosyllabic. However, I have heard it drawn out to two syllables and pronounced “Rah-YEET.” I have also seen this occur with the words “life” and “height.” Shall I oil the gears on the rack?

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