language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that no one will use the word “team” outside of a one-mile radius from a field or court

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 5-5: First off, there is an “I” on every team in every sport. And the “I” stands for people who carry their teams. We could give you a list, but why take up space? Second, the Emperor never could have risen to this status of world dominance and power if he had thought as part of a “team.” (Truly, the only team of which you need to be part is the one that does what it is told to do by the Emperor.) Teams? Let them concentrate on stuffing their balls into nets. The rest will go on trying to forge a path for themselves and learning to think on their own so that we don’t turn  into a world full of bees in a hive. “Team effort.” Blech.

The Punishment: Those who use the word “team” outside of a mile radius form a sports field will be force to sit for a year in what the Imperial Dungeonmaster likes to call “The Penalty Box.” (You don’t want to know.)

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Now, go forth and obey.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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5 Responses to “The Emperor decrees that no one will use the word “team” outside of a one-mile radius from a field or court”

  1. You have revealed the “I” in team, while others have found the letter “H” in words that contain the consonants “S” and “T” strung together. Now strong becomes “shtrong” and the same happens with the words struggle, destiny and street – which mysteriously transform into “shtruggle” “deshtiny” and “shtreet.”

    I humbly submit to the Emporer this phenomenom for his “ashtute”…pardon me, astute consideration. Flogging is too good for these people.

  2. Oh — that is a good one. And it has been turned into a new ting: the growling announcer. Thou hast inspired me, oh faithful minion…. Stay tuned.

  3. thing

  4. I shall await the new decree with approproiate humility and awe. Your previous edict on the pronunciation of the word “amazing” in that hideous and ear-grating fashion (May it burn in the ears of those who utter it like magnesium) is what led me to this site in the first place. And I have been hooked ever since.

    I can’t wait for the next decree…

  5. I thank you, sir.

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