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Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

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10. It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge freezer to heat the house

9. It’s so cold, the National Aquarium in Baltimore just realized it no longer needed all that glass

8. It’s so cold, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spent all last night trying to snort a snowbank

7. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin

6. It’s so cold, Grandma’s teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass

5. It’s so cold, when police tell a robber to freeze, it’s redundant

4. It’s so cold, it’s almost as cold as a Koch Brother’s heart — assuming they had one between them

3. It’s so cold, you had to scrape the window on your microwave

2. It’s so cold, we made ice cream at room temperature

1. It’s so cold, a guy would want to hold onto a witch’s tit just for the warmth!


Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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