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Top ten 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I’ve already broken

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10. I will never again smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand.

9. I promise to lose weight – or at least stay the same.

8. I will use less deodorant and do more laundry.

7. I won’t tug on Superman’s cape.

6. I won’t spit into the wind.

5. I won’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

4. I won’t mess around with Jim.

3. Never again will I take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. I swear, this year, to keep all my resolutions secret!

1. No more late-night carousing with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,
and no more all-you-can-eat buffets with Chris Christie.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

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One Response to “Top ten 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I’ve already broken”

  1. Oh, how the dream of doing #1 has made me grip the steering wheel while contemplating explaining my actions to the judge. In my sweet imaginations, the judge agrees and congratulates me for my contribution to society.

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