language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that you will stop using the word “ginger” to describe people

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3/334-z: Ginger. Ginger is a root. It is used for giving food that naughty tinge or earthy deliciousness. In some dictionaries, maybe around the third definition, if you’re lucky, it can be a color. But it is not a noun when referring to anything other than the spice. One is not “a ginger.” One might go so far as to say one has “ginger” hair. (It’s pretentious, but allowable.) Under no circumstances, whatever, however, will it be permissible, in the Empire, to refer to one’s self (or anyone else) as “a ginger.” It’s trendy and it is annoying and the Emperor will have no more of it. Thou art a red-head.  Own it or suffer the consequences.

The Punishment: Anyone heard using the word “ginger” as a noun to describe him or herself (or his or her brethren), will be ground into power, sprinkled onto human-shaped cookies, and fed (by Fofo, the Angry Red-Headed Clown [of “Finkle and Finkle’s Jolly Nightmare Circus”]) to the Imperial Tiger, Lars.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...
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