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Top ten excuses of the London man who was found having sex with his toaster

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10. “That toaster was way hot!

9. “The instructions only cautioned against sticking in knives and forks.”

8. “I heard it gave really good bread!”

7. “The toaster was asking for it. She looked like a real slot!

6. “I was wearing a condom, so I wasn’t worried about getting KitchenAids.”

5. “I thought it would be safer than using the microwave.”

4. “When I got home from the bar, I was really toasted!

3. “I was just trying to brown my Panini.”

2. “I heard somewhere that ‘They plump when you cook ’em’.”

1. “I was trying to make my juicer jealous.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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