The Emperor decrees that guys named Al may not be called “big”

The Emperor decrees that guys named Al may not be called “big”

Posted on September 10th, 2013 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4576: The Emperor is back from his European tour of historic torture chambers. Lots of new ideas from the old masters… Keep that in mind, if you think to complain about his having missed a few weeks…

Hear ye, O Tripe of The Earthly Cow!

Henceforth, guys named “Al” are forbidden to adopt (or to have given to them) the nickname “Big”. Yes, that’s it. Yes, this is my big comeback post. Think about it. It is bad enough when one is stuck with a name that one may or may not like. Isn’t it worse, still, to then adorn said name with a dead-on-arrival cliché – a worthless adjective that has been schlepped about by a hundred-million other corpulent (and/or towering) fops over the years? How about “Corpulent Al” or “Tall Al” or “Macho Al” or even “Large Al”? Enough with the big.

The Punishment: Anyone caught going around with this ubiquitous nickname will be renamed by the Imperial Dungeon Keeper as: “Locked In The Imperial Dungeons Al.” Sure, it’s less bouncy, but it will at least be almost narratively descriptive – sort of a succinct biography of the rest of Al’s life…

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...