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Screw you, Citizen Kane: Stephen Baldwin is about to debut!

“Stephen Baldwin is set to make his directorial debut in ‘Riding Destiny,’ a feature film about an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from having your mind blown.

(Pause)

That’s all I can spare. Behold it again.

“Stephen Baldwin is set to make his directorial debut in ‘Riding Destiny,’ a feature film about an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.”

And suddenly the world is a very different place.

The Baldwin brother who is the rare actor to be on good terms with both Jesus and Pauly Shore — he met them both on the set of Bio-Dome — is taking on the role he was born to play: an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.

Either that or a broken cowboy family. (Incidentally, I choose to imagine this family in very literal terms: it is a collection of cowboys who are all, at the minimum, slightly dented.)

Regardless, it will be his directorial debut, and he’s about to give the world something great directorial debuts from John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon to Woody Allen’s Take the Money and Run have lacked: extreme-sports surfer-stuntmen going home to repair their severely chipped cowboy families.

And thus Stephen Baldwin will be transformed from being the Baldwin brother who was surprisingly acceptable in The Usual Suspects to the Baldwin brother who made what has been described by one of its producers as a tale of “two opposite worlds that come together for the first time: cowboys and surfers.” (There are no two more opposite worlds than cowboys and surfers, which is why in so many films John Wayne was forced to do battle with dudes looking for a decent wave.)

The movie shall also feature William Baldwin — it will be the first time any of the Baldwin brothers have appeared in a film together — leading to two Baldwin brother observations:

1. Alec is way better at avoiding Stephen’s phone calls than Billy.

2. Stephen may now be a devout Christian who aims to uplift the downtrodden… but even he draws the line at employing Daniel.

At this point I’m going to turn it over to the actual press release about this actual film that will be financed with actual money, in the process teaching me that occasionally checking my spam folder is well worth the effort.

—–Original Message—–
From: “Champion Entertainment”
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2013 13:41:07
To:
Subject: Stephen Baldwin, William Baldwin & Dutch Hofstetter Will Soon Team Up for “Riding Destiny”

Stephen Baldwin, William Baldwin & Dutch Hofstetter Will Soon Team Up for “Riding Destiny”

This Family-Friendly Extreme Sports Film is a Collaboration Between Champion Entertainment & True North Pictures, Featuring Cowboys, Surfers and Much More

HOUSTON, March 27, 2013 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) — Champion Entertainment, Inc. (“Champion”) a full service entertainment and production company with offices in Houston and Hollywood who has recently executed a share exchange agreement with Acies Corporation (Pink Sheets:ACIE) slated to finalize later this year after various closing conditions have been met, is pleased to announce they have received an offer from True North Pictures, LLC to co-produce a new extreme-sports and family friendly faith based film directed by Stephen Baldwin named “Riding Destiny”.

Stephen Baldwin is set to make his directorial debut in “Riding Destiny,” a feature film about an extreme-sports surfer-stuntman who returns home to fix his broken cowboy family.

“I’ve waited for a project like this to come along to make my mark as a director,” says Baldwin, who will also take on an acting role in the film. Also signed up for starring roles are Baldwin’s brother William. This will be the first time any of these famous brothers has teamed up on a feature-film project. Rounding out the unique team is “Soul Surfer” producer Dutch Hofstetter.

Mr. Hofstetter brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to this project. “‘Soul Surfer’ was a story of triumph. ‘Riding Destiny’ is an amazing journey about discovering purpose,” says Hofstetter. I’ve admired Stephen Baldwin’s talents for years. I truly believe he was born to direct ‘Riding Destiny.'”

The family-friendly faith-based picture will be co-produced by Champion Entertainment, Inc. and True North Pictures. Kurt Neubauer, CEO of Champion Entertainment is excited about this collaboration, saying, “The co-production of ‘Riding Destiny’ will catapult Champion Entertainment into the mainstream motion-picture industry. I also look forward to finalizing an agreement with True North Pictures to co-produce this truly remarkable film project and help Champion continue to build on its record of success.”

“This is a captivating story of two opposite worlds that come together for the first time: cowboys and surfers,” added True North Pictures’ CEO, Mark Davis. “Under the leadership of Stephen Baldwin and Dutch Hofstetter this film is destined to be great.”

The story is a fantastic mixture of extreme sports, rodeo, romance, and honor. It follows the journey of a young man, Dustin, who sees his dad become crippled in a championship bull ride, and vows to leave home as soon as he can. After establishing his own life as a competitive surfer with a California extreme-sports exhibition team, circumstances for his return home six years later with have gripping action and plot twists.

Principal photography is slated to begin summer 2013 for an anticipated theatrical release in 2014.

For more information go to:

https://www.facebook.com/RidingDestiny

Reservoir Dogs and Breathless, consider yourselves warned.