I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 1984: We have tried to be delicate about this, so as not to provoke an (unavoidably impotent) uprising among the subjects of the Empire, but, let’s face it, no one in America (especially in America; especially in New York City) is smart enough to make his own choices. It is the place of any governing institution (either on the Imperial or on the city level) to protect the poor fools in our charge. We, the ones in the velvet thrones — those like Mayor Bloomberg and myself — are superior to the masses, in every way. Since the dawn of Man’s time on earth, there have been some born with better “blood.” Some are divinely mandated rulers (like, your Emperor) and others are “on top” because they are richer and smarter and are presented with more opportunity. Let’s face facts: I sincerely hope none of you, out there, think you should be allowed to choose what you eat and drink — and how much of it; or even what you offer for sale. I hope none of you think you have a right to make these choices for your own children. I hope you don’t think that we, as your leaders, are going to work hard enough to educate our people about nutrition (politicians, we imagine, could produce educational commercials to spread the word about nutrition, but they need to save their billions for campaign ads); it’s just easier to pull your hands out of the cookie jar, in the way a caring parent or, say, a big brother would. No, we need to TAKE CONTROL. Mayor Bloomberg has done just that in his realm of New York. And he is right: these bans should be national. I daresay, they should be global. Do as you are told, you poor, worthless, mindless creatures. Listen to your Mayor and to your Emperor. Everyone knows that when the Founding Fathers established America, they couldn’t have possibly thought that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness extended to being able to offer and to order whatever size beverages the citizens wanted to. Let’s be realistic. In fact, I think it was Jefferson who proposed the first “apple pie diameter limit” law. (Probably got shot down by some early Libertarian nutcase in a powdered wig.) We praise the courageous mayor who has the kindness and fatherly concern in his heart that allows him to slap the wrists of his poor, stupid city-dwellers who think they have a right to drink an extra few ounces of soda whenever they want to. (Next thing you know, the asses will want assurance that their president won’t blow them up in their sleep if he feels he needs to.) Sometimes, we just need to step in, people. Accept it, or suffer the consequences. All praise Baron Bloomberg. Uh, Mayor…
(Rumor has it that the mayor is working on a proposal for reducing the number of poor people in New York. I’m not sure quite what it is, yet, but I understand it will be very effective, and that is all that matters. Am I right? Solving the problem is all that matters; the tangent issues are irrelevant; we all know that. As I say, I’m not sure what his plan is, but I know he has gathered the best chefs in the city so that they can offer their best ideas on cooking some unique kind of meat…)
The Punishment: Those who either sell or purchase a soda over 16 ounces will be taken into Times Square and will be stripped and spanked by the Imperial Punisher (we are considering offering the job to the mayor, himself, because we know it will hurt him more than it does his beloved wayward subjects). The spanking will be broadcast world-wide. It’s for your own good.
THIS JUST IN! Only moments after drafting my decree, it came to my attention that Baron Bloomberg’s wise proclamation has been blocked by some renegade judge. Nothing the Imperial Persuaders can’t fix… But, how can he do this? Doesn’t he care about the people?
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)
- The Emperor decrees that band members must smile in their promo pictures - November 26, 2013
- The Emperor decrees that sound engineers will stop squishy-mouth, immediately - November 5, 2013
- The Emperor decrees an end to the phrase “a hot mess” - October 22, 2013
- The Emperor decrees a ban on bike shorts - October 8, 2013
- The Emperor decrees an end to long hair in the NFL - September 24, 2013