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Top ten answers to the question “How cold is it?”

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10. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your polar bear

9. It’s so cold, TSA agents are required to put on mittens before fondling you

8. It’s so cold, your teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass

7. It’s so cold, nobody’s calling the fire department when their house catches on fire

6. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

5. It’s so cold, a temperature was actually recorded that was colder than the shoulder General Petraeus’s wife is giving him

4. It’s so cold, you hang around menopausal women just for the hot flashes

3. It’s so cold, Victoria’s Secret is now showing its latest line of parkas

2. It’s so cold, you had to scrape the window on your microwave

1. It’s so cold, even your farts have a wind chill factor – it’s fifteen degrees out, but it smells like nine
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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