I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. XLVII: He does not know it yet; he might not want the position, but he has no choice, because we are, after all, the Emperor of the World. The Emperor is appointing Alan Spoll, author of WFTC’s “Good Sports, Bad Sports,” to be the Imperial Grand Master of Sport. (The Emperor likes that European “sport” thing, instead of “sports.” It’s real classy.) Grand Master Spoll, alone, through his diligent assessment of the weekly goings-on in sports, will help the Emperor (who is rapidly becoming more and more disgusted with professional sports, but who loves sports, in general) decide if they should be allowed to continue. After the Ray Lewis bit in Alan’s column — with which His Imperial Perfectness completely agrees — the Emperor has decided that, if over the course of the next six months, the “good sports” don’t outweigh the “bad sports” in Alan’s column by at least 75%, professional sports will be banned from Earthly civilization. Professional sports have become an incubator of crime (let me count the ways), dishonesty (yeah, you, Lance), vanity (insert picture of…hell, a thousand guys here), greed (duh!) and even sadism (the Emperor does not forgive Michael Vick). Overwhelmingly, some of our lowest humans have become cast as heroes and even the ones who never went so far as to stab anyone in the eye or to set innocent animals on fire are simply models of flagrant self-aggrandizement who teach our impressionable children that confidence requires arrogant showboating and that achievement is attached to end-zone dances and to conceited statements through which the achievers pathetically beg the general public to shower them with praise. It makes the Emperor royally retch.
The Punishment: The Emperor gives Grand Master Spoll six months in which to change the Imperial Mind. After that, sports go back to the sandlots and tree-lined parks, where (let’s face it) they really belong.
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning
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