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Some better Armstrongs

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Neil Armstrong>Lance Armstrong.

This was true even before the doping scandal, because being the first human to walk on the moon>riding a bike good.

And Louis Armstrong>Lance Armstrong, because, well, he could do this kind of thing:

Also, Stretch Armstrong>Lance Armstrong, because he could do this without using performance-enhancing drugs (not sure about that last part).

Thomas Armstrong>Lance Armstrong because he started a flooring company still in business today and because he had impressive facial hair.

Billy Joe Armstrong>Lance Armstrong because he’s a rock star and because his drug use is not a violation of the rules of his profession but a requirement.

Curtis Armstrong>Lance Armstrong because he was Booger.

There are many other Armstrongs. Some are allegedly famous. Others are not famous. I won’t claim that all of them>Lance Armstrong, because I don’t know them all. Especially the allegedly famous ones I’ve never heard of.

And, to be fair, Lance Armstrong could ride the hell out of a bicycle. You don’t win the Tour de France seven consecutive times just by doping. You probably have to train really hard and be a truly incredible athlete, since it’s possible lots of the other riders were also doping. It isn’t exactly new to the sport. Anyway, most people I know could inject themselves with all sorts of stuff and never make it over the first hill in a race like that. Still, cheating and lying for years while generally being a big asshole does tend to lower your Armstrong rating even if you are excellent at riding a bike. Especially when that cheating undermines the inspirational ending of Dodgeball.

Some Armstrongs remain inspirational.

Scott Stein is editor of When Falls the Coliseum and author of the novels Lost and Mean Martin Manning. His short comedic fiction, book reviews, and essays have been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer, The Oxford University Press Humor Reader, The G.W. Review, Liberty, National Review, PopMatters.com, Art Times, and Reason. He is a professor of English at Drexel University. Scott tweets @sstein. His author site is scottsteinonline.com.

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One Response to “Some better Armstrongs”

  1. I second the vote for Booger as being better than Lance Armstrong. In fact, I am pretty sure he could have won the Tour de France with just some whipped cream cartridges (re: Better off Dead).

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