Readers: You are not to ask me how I managed to intercept (ha, get it?) the following correspondence between Eagles’ ringleader Andy Reid and Commissioner/Hitler Reincarnate Roger Goodell. I will only say that it took a good bit of libel-licious spy stuff. Or perhaps more plainly, to quote the finest actor of our time, “You’re on a need to know basis, and you don’t need to know.” Enjoy.
From: Andy Reid
Date: Friday 7 December 2012 3:34pm
Subject: Rule Changes
Dear Big Red,
I apologize if that nickname comes off as informal. It’s just that we have the same hair color and people call us both “Big Red.” So I thought I’d address this letter to “Big Red,” and then also later sign the letter, “Big Red.” See what I did there? Well, I guess I haven’t actually done it yet. And I probably won’t, now that I’ve already explained the joke. Damn it. This has all been in vain.
I’m kind of rambling here, aren’t I? Again, my apologies. See, I’m not really much of a writer. I’m a football coach. Still. I think. And I’m not really doing too well in that field either, which brings me to the point of this e-mail. I’ve heard some talk about a potential rule change involving the discontinuation of kickoffs. I love it! We should totally do it, and I’m not saying that just because Boykin hasn’t sniffed the 20 in six weeks. I just don’t like them, generally. Like lettuce — that sucks too. There aren’t enough fat guys on the field. So I’m in favor of the change. I’ve also heard Greg Schiano suggested a replacement rule which would allow teams a choice of punting from the 30 or going for it on 4th and 15 from the 30. That’s awesome! I mean, not the rule itself — that’s okay, I guess — but just that Schiano suggested it. I had no idea coaches could just suggest things that they think should be changed. So that got me thinking…
I’m just going to throw out a word here and I want you to just take it in. Don’t think anything about it, don’t feel anything about it. Just let it wash over you like you’re slipping into a warm bath. With bubbles. And a duckie. Here we go:
Shh. Don’t think. Just absorb.
Feels good, doesn’t it? Okay take a deep breath. And now one more time:
Alright. Now tell me that shit’s not awesome. Your mind’s gotta be completely blown right now. It’s like a football and a mulligan got it on and you saw the whole thing on the internet and now you don’t know if regular porn will ever satisfy you again, right? Alright maybe that’s too much. But seriously — mulligans in football, how ’bout it, Rog’?
These challenges are total bullshit and you know it. They slow down the pace of play and the flag gets all sweaty in my sock and I haven’t gotten one right in like three seasons. I’m sick of ‘em. Flags are stupid too. The refs already have flags. We need something else. Variety. Like sponges maybe, because, like, we’re ex-sponging plays from the game. They’re spelled differently, I know, but it’ll work verbally and it’s cleverer than anything Joe Buck normally says. Plus a sponge would absorb more sock moisture than this stupid flag. By the way (I know this is a little off topic, but whatever), that’s probably my favorite part of being a head coach: I get to throw this disgusting rag onto the field and the ref sees the darkened, sweaty shade of red and knows it’s gross and that he has to pick it up, so he gives me this look like, Dude, really? It’s December, and I’m all like, Dude, fuck you, I sweat a lot. Then I watch him touch it, cringing. It’s pretty awesome.
But back to the point: this would work economically. Remember that night a while back when we got super drunk and watched There’s Something About Mary and couldn’t stop laughing at the guy talking about making a better version of Eight Minute Abs and going, “Seven Minute Aaaabs?” Well it’s the same principle. You know how awesome a 4th and long situation is? Well let’s say the offense comes up short. Footbulligan that shit! 5th and long, baby! Now imagine the crowd noise on a 5th and long! They’d eat it up; stadiums would sell out for a fuckin’ Chief/Jags game!
I’m telling you, it would work. I need it to work. I need something. These vultures won’t leave me alone about the game management and playcalling. Why’d you challenge that relatively insignificant spot, Andy? Why do you always waste timeouts on 2nd and 9 plays in the first quarter, Andy? Why does Shady only get 15 carries a game, Andy? Jesus Christ, because Shady’s a fuckin’ ball hog, alright? Ever see him pass it to anyone after he gets his hands on it? Hell no. Dude’s worse than Kobe.
Ugh, anyway, I need a lift here, Rog’. Footbulligans: how ’bout it?
Let’s grab a burger soon,
PS – Those are my initials above, not a pirate noise. But that would have been cool too. I like pirates.