I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. AD 1: Henceforth, there shall be no more “tasteful” Christmas ornaments or decorations. As a means to achieving a ubiquitously, cheesily-decorated Christmas world — a properly decorated yuletide season — the Emperor is going to require all Christmas factories to make their ornaments and decorations out of sweet, sweet plastic. No more wooden ornaments. No more muted cloths and felt bows. Red! Red is the color. Red will be used in the fabrication of all Santas. There shall be no more pallid, ponderous Kringles in maroon suits with off-white fur trim. Proclaim the season in snow-white and in glorious, Rudolf-schnoz-red! What we want is blinking, clanging and blaring at Christmas time. Christmas is not an accent in the posh living room of the calendar year; it’s a cymbal clash in the library of day-to-day life! Burden your foppish dinner guests with sophistication during the other eleven months of your cabernet-anesthetized life. At Christmas time, the trumpets shall blare! — the bells shall sound! — the nog shall egg! — the choirs shall rock! Christmas is not the time to be cool. Cripes — listen to the music, if you want proof. Even Elvis dorked-out for the holidays.
The Punishment: Violators will be forced to listen to Kevin Costner reading A Christmas Carol, cover to cover. And he will do it in his best “English accent.”
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
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